


Tea with Topsy

by impatientseamstress



Category: Megamind (2010)
Genre: Angst, Banter, Discworld References, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Evil Queen Roxanne, F/F, F/M, Flirting, Fluff, Get your marshmallows ready for a whole bunch of, M/M, Masturbation, Megamind's prison uncles - Freeform, Metro man is a himbo, Minion is going to get these bipeds together if it kills him, Minion is so done, Myrmecophobia, Overlord Megamind, Pre-movie AU, Rated Mature for Later Chapters, Roxanne is an adrenaline junkie, Slow Burn, Violence, and should not be left untied, and spidercrab battle droids, falling in love and rising to power, flirting with lethal intent, for a given value of evil, hoverbikes are sexy, more tags to come to prevent spoilers, no betas we die like men, so much flirting you guys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 77,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26373025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impatientseamstress/pseuds/impatientseamstress
Summary: A story of love, lust and colour coordinated calendars... and how Roxanne Ritchi became the Mistress of Evil
Relationships: Megamind & Minion, Megamind/Roxanne Ritchi, Metro Man & Roxanne Ritchi, Minion & Roxanne Ritchi
Comments: 676
Kudos: 363





	1. Prologue: Minion has a secret

**Author's Note:**

> So this was supposed to be a one-shot...but my brain had other ideas
> 
> This is actually mostly plotted out which is a frankly astonishing state of affairs for me. The first few chapters are mostly done and I'm going to try to stick to a regular update schedule but feel free to stalk me here or on tumblr @buginateacup
> 
> Special thanks to dalniente for letting me borrow Megamind's prison uncles who will be showing up later

Minion has a secret.

Minion has a secret and Megamind has absolutely no idea what it is.

Minion has a secret. Megamind has absolutely no idea what it is. And ~~Andre isn't here~~ it is driving him crazy.

Its not that Minion isn't allowed to have secrets, or things he likes to do outside the scope of his position as head henchfish in their rule over the shadowy side of Metrocity. Megamind's never had a problem with the baking or the bookclub or even the drinks with other henchmen (because occasionally you just need to sit beside someone who understands for a while).

But this.

This was something different.

This was something that Minion doesn't want him to know.

It started when he caught a glimpse of Minion's kitchen calendar in the lair. Minion's weakness for coordinated stationary is impressive. Every year there is a calendar in the kitchen, a calendar in the lab and a calendar in Minion's room which doubled as his sewing room for Sir's outfits. Written there in sparkling purple on the ninth of May are the words _Tea with Topsy_ in swirling letters, along with a time, two-thirty PM.

Megamind frowned, staring at the writing. Does one of the minor villains of the city have a henchperson named Topsy? But no, two days later there's an appointment in red that lists _Henchvent_ and the rest of the calendar is covered in various blue and black scribbles for things like _Dead drop for lithium collection_ and _Check cabling for solar laser coupling_. And there in silver pen circled around the twelfth, _Kidnap Miss Ritchi from work_ with _Battle Metro Man_ scribbled as an afterthought underneath.

Minion even colour codes the grocery shopping for Evil's sake.

No.

Topsy is something different.

As if summoned by his gigantic brain, Minion opened the kitchen door and held up a piece of supple black leather, "I'm almost done with your new cape Sir," he smiled, "Would you like to try it on?"

"Ah excellent timing as always my dear _filet mignon_!" Megamind followed his henchfish to Minion's sewing room and allowed the cape to be draped over his shoulders. _Tea with Topsy_ is written on this calendar too. Strange. Usually Minion keeps his henchfishly duties separate from his personal calendar. 

Megamind ran through lists of associates and codenames as he held still, staring blankly into space as Minion tweaked the drape and pinned the hem. He still has no clue by the time the cape is finally removed and Minion fits it under the presser foot of his sewing machine. The whir of the machine snapped him back out of his thoughts and he tilted his head in the direction of the calendar.

"Who is this Topsy Minion?"

 _Whii-IIIRRRR_.

Minion's arm jerked and the hem wavered away from the fold. Robotic fingers grabbed for the unpicker, "What was that Sir?" He asked, hunching his shoulders over the cape.

"Topsy, on your calendars, the ninth?"

"Oh, um, nothing important Sir. I can change it if you have something planned."

"Of course you would Minion, that's what makes you the greatest henchfish on the planet."

"Thank you Sir"

"So who is Topsy?"

Minion hunched down further, "Really sir, its not important at all, she's-"

"She?" Megamind pounced, "Oh ho ho! My dear Minion, do I need to have a chat with Madame LaRoux about one of her ladies?

The look Minion sends him is appropriately appalled, "Sir! Really!"

Not a girl then. Megamind steepled his fingers together and waited, Minion has never kept anything from him without explanation before. But he was being surprisingly tight-lipped as he unpicked stray stitches and the hem was finally finished to the henchfish's exacting standards. 

"There we are Sir," Minion whisked the cape over his shoulders, "Remarkable Sir, truly villainous, will you be wanting to wear this for the battle on Thursday?"

"The battle is on Wednesday Minion, you know that." Megamind flicked the cape experimentally, skimming it over the jars of scissors and tape measures that crowd Minion's sewing table. "Has the compression ray been connected to the solar panels yet?"

"I'll just go check the connections now, Sir" Minion bustled out of the room and up the stairs, calling for the maintenance brainbots to follow. 

Minion still hasn't told him.

Interesting...

Megamind tried to find out about Topsy several times throughout the rest of the week but Minion was surprisingly good at either either distracting him with villainy or pretending he doesn't hear the question. On one occasion, they even spend a pointless afternoon completely rebuilding the aquatic vocaliser in his suit after insisting that words starting with T just aren't transferring into his audio input properly.

Eventually, Megamind stopped asking. He doesn't miss the sudden lack of tension under spiny scales. But really, Minion should have known better than to assume he would leave any puzzle unsolved.

* * *

_A few days later..._

  
"Bye Sir," Minion set a plate of blueberry muffins by Megamind's elbow. "Make sure you eat something. I'm running some errands but I'll be back to cook dinner by five-thirty." He removed his pink floral apron and folded it carefully, handing it to one of the bots to fly back to the kitchen.

Megamind nodded vaguely, hand cramped over scribbled equations, "Yes yes Minion, have fun."

Minion hesitated, today is _Tea with Topsy_ day. He waited for Sir to spring one last question about her identity, but Megamind seems entranced by his calculations. As Minion watched, he took the top mufin and tore it in half with his teeth, still writing as he quietly slid the door shut. 

Megamind stayed seated at his desk, tearing the muffin into smaller and smaller pieces until he heard the closing of the outer door of the lair and the invisible car start up and drive away.

He sat up, pen falling from his hand to reveal not equations, but pi written out to the seven thousandth three hundred and third decimal.

Minion had been making macarons.

Megamind loathes macarons. They are crumbly and fussy and he has a deep dislike of hazelnut so Minion tends not to bother. But there had been a whole tray of them sitting in the kitchen earlier, along with a cake box.

Minion is meeting someone and he is bringing treats.

Megamind headed for the hoverbike.


	2. In which there is actual tea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot begins...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha...so I realised I hadn't even spelled the title correctly. That has now been fixed. This was going to be one extremely long chapter, but I am the aforementioned impatient in both seamstressing and posting so you get half now, half over the weekend (probably)

_“It is said that whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first make mad. In fact, whomsoever the gods wish to destroy, they first hand the equivalent of a stick with a fizzing fuse and Acme Dynamite Company written on the side. It's more interesting, and doesn't take so long.”_  
― Terry Pratchett, Soul Music

A knock on her door had Roxanne Ritchi bounding out from the kitchen where she had been setting out mugs. "Come in!" she smiled at the uniformed plumber standing at her door in overalls that read _Bubble's Plumbing,_ the nametag had "Gaston" picked out in black stitches.

The plumber stepped past. Roxanne glanced into the empty hall for a moment then shut the door. Inside she was courteously handed a cake box which she promptly investigated, "Ooh macarons! Minion you spoil me."

"Not at all Miss Ritchi," the plumber fiddled with his wrist and the air shimmered to reveal Minion in his gorilla suit, "It's a pleasure to sink my teeth into the fiddly treats."

"Mm" Roxanne had already bitten into a passion-fruit one, "Minion these are fantastic. Come and sit down, tea? Coffee?"

She knows he wont drink it, but he appreciates the offer every time.

"No thank you Miss Ritchi." He set down the toolbox at the dining table and lifted out a leather-bound yearly planner in sea green. A matching planner in red was already sitting on the table next to a cup of coloured pens.

Minion couldn't sit as such. The chairs around Roxanne's kitchen table are flimsy IKEA offerings and in no way prepared to hold a three hundred kilo cybernetic suit. But he compresses the hydraulics in his legs to a credible enough interpretation and locked the lower half of his suit in place. 

Roxanne carried her mug over to the table and opened the balcony doors to let in the warm autumn breeze before seating herself opposite, "Do we have time to plot all of June today?"

Gorilla shoulders shrugged, "I do have to pick up groceries later Miss Ritchi, but I think we can get the first two weeks sorted out and pencil in the rest." 

"Oh well, lets get through what we can then."

Papers were shuffled and pens uncapped. "So Miss Ritchi," Minion asked brightly, holding a silver pen, "Would you like to start with the kidnappings or your shooting schedule?" 

* * *

  
Megamind perched on the hoverbike, zooming noisily above Metrocity. The Invisible Car was parked a few blocks from downtown, mid way between Metrocity Square and Miss Ritchi's apartment. Minion's suit tracker flashed blips on the screen set in the handle. He must have been walking, heading east and down and...why is he at Miss Ritchi's apartment building? Frowning, Megamind slowed the hoverbike to an almost silent drift, turning on the cloaking system with a flick of his fingers.

What is that fish up to?

* * *

  
Roxanne's phone gave a soft squawk and she checked the screen, frowning and zooming in around the shattered glass. "I think I just got invited to another Charity Gala?"

"I believe the Scott Foundation was planning something after mid-year?" Minion floated at the top of his bowl to peer at the cracked screen, "Miss Ritchi, what happened?"

"Dropped it trying to get a shot of the imploding scarabs..." Roxanne scrubbed at the glass, trying to shift the message around the screen well enough to read it. "Stupid phone company wont replace it for me, something about five phones in a year is an unacceptable loss rate."

Minion hummed sympathetically, his own record with external electronics had been far from ideal. Gorilla robot fingers are not kind to touchscreens. He's lucky Sir was willing to install an aquatic telecommunication interface into his suit. 

"Got it!" Roxanne sat back and took another macaron, "Twenty-ninth of July! So I have four evening spots for the children's hospital starting from the third..."

* * *

  
Megamind hovered silently above the balcony of Miss Ritchi's apartment. He could see two shapes sitting at a table through the open balcony doors. Minion and Miss Ritchi, they both had paper and pens and macarons scattered in front of them and...was that tea?

Megamind scowled, it would be just like that nosy reporter to try to sneak the details of his next big plan against the lunkhead that called himself defender of Metrocity by bribing Minion with the promise of fancy baking and tea. And how had she found out about Minion's weakness for coordinated stationary?

Well. If nothing else this would be an excellent opportunity for a kidnapping, not to mention rescuing his dear henchfish from Miss Ritchi's reporterly clutches. Megamind balanced his feet on the saddle of the hoverbike and drew his de-gun, preparing to leap onto the balcony.

Unfortunately, his foot slipped pushing off from the bike's invisibility field and he tumbled into the room with a less than villainous gasp and accidentally dehydrated the cup holding a selection of pens which scattered across the table "Ah-haaaa?"

Minion and Miss Ritchi, sitting companionably at the kitchen table, planners and coloured pens spread before them, looked at him with almost comical matching expressions of surprise.

In Miss Ritchi's case, surprise quickly morphed into disbelief, followed by irritation, frustration, resignation and finally settled into the same damningly polite, amused poise she always wore in the face of deathtraps and other threats with unpleasant consequences.

Minion's reactions were somewhat more subtle, running from _Oh no!_ to _Finally!_ to _Oh bloody hell I hope this works..._

Minion spoke first "Was there something you needed Sir?" he asked as though Megamind had not just interrupted this entirely too domestic scene with a failed attempt at a grand entrance and brandished weaponry.

Megamind drew himself up haughtily, "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded, attempting to maintain some semblance of dignity.

Miss Ritchi laid her pen down, "We're negotiating our schedules," she made a shooing motion with her hand towards the balcony, "Go away. Minion will be home when we're done."

Did she just...shoo him? 

Seriously?

This is why he has the knockout spray. Much easier to manage a damsel who refuses to acknowledge her cues while she's unconscious and not throwing off the whole conversation.

"Scheduling Miss Ritchi. You really expect me to believe that?"

"Believe it or not, that's whats happening," Roxanne dipped her fingers into the mug beside her and flicked them at the blue cube on the table. The cup re-hydrated and she started returning the pens to their holder.

"Did you need something Sir?" Minion asked again, "Only it would be a real help if we can finish planning June. It makes the whole evil plan thing run so much more smoothly when we can work around Miss Ritchi's filming schedule."

"Evil plans do not run at the convenience of the damsel Minion!"

"Wanna bet?" Roxanne muttered under her breath, she picked up her pen and tapped the page in front of her, "So as I was saying Minion, I have work meetings on the sixth and tenth, I can work around those but I'd rather not miss both if possible." She frowned at the entry, "Actually you're welcome to the sixth if you can swing it. Scotty from Marketing is chairing that one. That guy's a dick."

"I'm sure we can manage that for you Miss Ritchi," Minion agreed, "The sixth is probably a little close to the kidnapping from the week before, but I'm sure Sir will do his best."

He wrote a note in purple ink on the open page of his planner.

"Thank you Minion" Roxanne added a line of her own in blue.

Megamind was horrified. It was like he wasn't even here! 

"You've stolen my henchfish for your own plans?" Kidnapping forgotten he holstered the de-gun without a thought and pointed accusingly at Miss Ritchi, "You-you Minion thief!"

Roxanne raised her eyebrows at him, "We're having tea. And Minion was invited." She turned back to her planner, dismissing him without so much as a glance.

"Minion!" Megamind turned to his henchfish "How could you betray me like this?" 

Minion looked apologetic "Really Sir, its just so Miss Ritchi can get ready for the kidnappings.."

"And so she can tell our secrets to her superhero boyfriend!" 

"No Sir!" Minion looked shocked, as if the idea had never even occurred to him, "That's part of the agreement! Specifics _never_ get discussed-"

"Agreement? You mean this has happened before? That is unacceptable behaviour Minion!"

"But Sir!"

"And it stops right-"

"Minion," Roxanne interrupted flatly, not looking up from her schedule. Two sets of alien eyes snapped towards her. "Will you please tell Megamind what happens if he tries to stop Tea with Topsy?"

"Next time she is kidnapped, Miss Ritchi will yell for Metro Man the moment she is awake and have him hyper-accelerate her home before you're able to gloat about your evil plan or unveil your latest threat of certain doom." Minion repeated as if learned by rote, "Sir." he added as an afterthought.

This is what comes from letting henchfish with a weakness for stationary make macarons for your damsel. Absolute chaos. 

Megamind was aghast, "You wouldn't!" 

Of all the despicable things to threaten him with. No monologue? No theatrical reveal? No cunning remarks by the lovely Miss Ritchi who was in fact looking rather fed up with his presence today? What kind of evil plan had no damsel in distress? It was a threat absolutely exquisite in its wickedness, the perfect ultimatum from a future Evil Queen if it wasn't so... so... "But that's just mean!"

Roxanne looked up and fixed him with an unimpressed stare, "You kidnap me an average of once every ten days Megamind." she tapped her red planner, "I've counted. If I have to deal with that disruption you will grant me the grace of a few days when I can get the rest of my life under some semblance of order."

Okay...that's probably fair but- 

"Not even any banter?"

"Is that what you call it" Roxanne murmured under her breath, "Not a single word." She stated more loudly.

Megamind felt decidedly off-kilter. The damsel was supposed to threaten the Super villain with the hero! Not the removal of herself from the story! "But if you know when the kidnapping is going to happen whats even the point of doing the scheme at all?"

"Oh for-" Roxanne groaned and shoved her hands in her hair, "I don't. I get a three to five day window when I know a kidnapping _might_ be happening, which gives me enough time to organise any doctor's appointments, work meetings and haircuts for times when I know I probably wont be inconvenienced."

"And if you just so happen to ferret out any other details of my nefarious plans-" 

"I. Don't. Ask." Roxanne growled, obviously frustrated. "Minion and I both agreed, what gets discussed during tea time says at tea time. I am _trying_ to make my life work around the kidnappings so I can actually have one when I'm not tied to that stupid chair."

The chair is not stupid. The chair is some of his best work. It has more safety features than a Swiss army knife up to and including a flotation device and a parachute. The chair is to keep Miss Ritchi _safe_.

Minion was studiously focusing on his planner.

"And I suppose you'd like us to send you an email reminder as well?" Megamind asked snidely, sidestepping the issue of the chair, "Perhaps an alert to your phone?"

"That would be great actually!" Roxanne smiled hard and bright, "Think you can tailor it around the busted screen?" she tossed the phone towards Megamind who caught it gracelessly and frowned at the cracked glass.

"Imploding scarabs?" 

"Got it in one"

"Ah..." gloved fingers prodded the screen, he glanced awkwardly at her out of the corner of his eye, "I'll see what I can do."

"Good. It might be nice to not have to wake up half the week wondering if I'm going to be sacrificing my shoes or my family time."

Megamind scoffed, tossing the phone back "Oh please Miss Ritchi, we've let you go when there was a family emergency before"

"Astonishingly, my life is not supposed to be a choice between one emergency and another."

"Well then why don't you just yell for Metro Mahn pick you up every time then?"

"Because I'm not going to waste his time for every little inconvenience. I just want to be able to see my hairdresser without having to reschedule six times! Six times Megamind!"

"Because Ee-vil Gods forbid your hair falls in your eyes!"

"I am a reporter on a state wide news station! I can't afford to look sloppy!"

"So I can risk your life but not your livelihood Miss Ritchi, is that it?"

"Don't." Roxanne was out of her chair, a finger stabbing at his chest, almost vibrating with rage "Don't you _dare_ tell me what my priorities are allowed to be."

_She is lovely when she's angry_

What? No. Stop it brain. We have an argument to win.

Megamind sucked his lip between his teeth, "I'm one of the reasons you spend so much time on camera Miss Ritchi," he smirked, "I don't think you'll actually do it." 

"Dentist." she snapped.

Ah.

Okay.

That's probably fair. Minion had collected her on the way to an emergency appointment once. Something about a cracked tooth. She had almost ruptured his ear drums yelling for Metro Man as soon as the bag was removed and had been gone before the echoes had finished bouncing around the lair.

Minion told him she had been quite apologetic about it the next time they captured her. He certainly couldn't blame her. A broken tooth is an excruciating pain to be ensured at the best of times, let alone when you're expected to smile for the camera as well. Come to think of it, how had his dear henchfish known about that?

"Just how long has this been going on? And when did you start corrupting Minion with your cunning wiles Miss Ritchi?"

Minion looked nervously at Roxanne who had slammed herself back into her seat, biting vengefully into another macaron, she waved her hand, scattering pistachio crumbs. "Might as well tell him Minion."

Minion flipped his fins and looked at Megamind, "Well Sir, you're always saying closed toe shoes in the lair, so I usually give Miss Ritchi time to get ready before I spray her. And she's always much happier about being kidnapped when she has time to get ready for the cameras...Anyway one day about six or seven months ago, the Cactus of Destruction, Sir, you remember? We were talking while she was looking for her other earring and she said it would make things much easier if she knew she needed to have a kidnapping outfit ready. So we agreed we'd exchange schedules, maybe see if we could line things up in a way that made it easier for everyone. Its not like Miss Ritchi didn't already know she wasn't going to be kidnapped. Sometimes she even had suggestions, like the time we used the Magni-Fire Ray on the New Years fireworks?"

Miss Ritchi made a sound that might have been a snigger that she hurriedly covered with a cough, Megamind glowered. What had been a paltry display of mediocre fireworks had been magnified and exploded into stars that covered the entire city...and blown out the windows of KCMP's chief rival Channel Eight News. A hard right conservative news station that spent more time on shock jocks whipping its viewers into a frenzy than they did on actual journalism.

Minion was still talking, "But once we were able to sync our calendars, well Sir, I could make sure the lair was clean, Miss Ritchi wasn't missing any more appointments and it worked far better than I thought it would so," Gorilla shoulders shrugged, "Here we are?"

Megamind glanced at Miss Ritchi but she didn't appear to be disputing this version of events. She was looking down at her planner and licking a crumb of pistachio macaron from her lip. Megamind had to drag his eyes back towards Minion. Seven months? They've been doing this without him for seven months?!

He felt a bit hurt about that.

Well fine.

They obviously didn't miss him for these planning sessions. He was only a world class Super-villain. What did he know?

"Besides," Minion continued, looking uncomfortable. "I think we both agreed that it wasn't really appropriate to kidnap anyone just out of the shower. No one needed to see Miss Ritchi only wearing a towel."

Megamind was very lucky his eyes were already green.

"I did not agree to that!"

Wait.

"Not the towel thing!" Oh he is definitely not going to be thinking about that for the rest of his life, not at all. "This goes against the foundation rules of supervillainy! The damsel is not supposed to be working out convenient schedules with the henchmen!"

"Going by the rules, I'm not technically a damsel if I don't scream." Roxanne interjected, "Therefore, I get scheduling." She folded her arms and gave him a grin that was all teeth. 

"You are a damsel! You're just a particularly stubborn one!" Megamind threw up his hands in frustration.

"I prefer to think of myself as challenging."

"Its a challenge not to feed you to the alligators Miss Ritchi."

"I doubt it. Then you'd have to kidnap some poor idiot off the street and you wouldn't get any banter at all."

"Your clever mouth is going to get you in trouble one of these days."

"My goodness" Roxanne responded mildly, "Wont that be a change of pace. I might even scream with the newness of it all."

"You are a terrible kidnapee!"

"Maybe you're just not a very good supervillain?

"A good Supervillain? Something of an oxymoron there Miss Ritchi"

"You're an oxymoron."

"Sir," Minion interrupted the argument before it descended into further name-calling, he bobbed hopefully in his bowl. "If Miss Ritchi is to eventually to become your Evil Queen I'll be answering to her evil demands then as well. Surely its best to get used to the arrangement early?"

Megamind opened his mouth to argue the point then paused, considering the implications of Miss Ritchi appreciating Minion's usefulness. After all, having henchmen was one of the best parts of supervillainy. You never had to worry about collecting drycleaning or making sure the invisible car was serviced. He was also still a little (a lot) hung up on the fact that Minion had apparently seen Miss Ritchi in a towel. The mental image of which was taking up a lot more of his extremely large and genius brain than should really be necessary.

Very well, he would be magnanimous, Miss Ritchi would appreciate it.

"You make an excellent point filet _mignon_. I shall allow this...arrangement to continue. It would not do to have the future Evil Queen of Metrocity have her schedule thrown about."

"Oh good, thank you Sir" Minion sighed with relief. 

Miss Ritchi appeared to be hiding her expression in her mug while she added blue flourishes to the pencilled in "Gym sessions?" from the 15th to 17th. "How thoughtful." she added drily.

"Channel Eight?" Megamind raised a brow.

Roxanne blinked up at him innocently, "I have no idea what you're talking about. I was tied up the whole time, remember?"

"Minx," he murmured, then clapped his hands "So! How can I assist?"

"Oh no," Roxanne stood up again and prodded him in the chest, "No helping. This is damsel-henchfish time. I've seen you get excited about plans, we are not having this whole schedule rearranged because you decide you need to make a mechanical flying manta ray"

A mechanical flying manta ray is a brilliant idea, why hasn't he made one of those before?

"I could-"

"Uh-uh" 

"But-"

"No" 

"Misss Rit-"

"Stop." Roxanne pointed to the long red couch facing away from the table. "Sit."

Megamind closed his mouth and took two steps to perch on the back of the couch, cocking a teasing eyebrow as if to ask _Sitting now, what are you going to do about it?_

"If you insist on staying-"

"I do."

"Fine." Roxanne pulled a random book from the pile on the shelf and pushed it against his chest, "Then you'll be sitting here and reading," she glanced down, "Soul Music, while Minion and I finish planning." She gave him a gentle shove and he toppled back onto the seat of the couch, blinking up at her with wide green eyes.

She patted the toe of the boot still hanging over the couch and smiled approvingly, "There's a good Super-villain," she said saccharine sweet, and walked back to the kitchen.

Megamind pressed his hand against the warm spot on his chest where Miss Ritchi had pushed him. This entire afternoon is suddenly going nothing like he planned. Hardly an unusual state of affairs but still!

Though... this is a remarkably comfortable couch. And she had given him one of her own books to read rather than sending him away. He would stay here and listen in on their conversation, he decided. Just in case there was something other than an exchange of calendars occurring, or any other ideas like the Magni-Fire. He wriggled around to rest his neck on a cushion and opened the book, blinking at the ocean themed bookplate with the _Property of Roxanne Ritchi, from Grampa_ scrawled in childish font. Aww.

From the kitchen sink, Roxanne glanced over at the sound of grumbling and shifting coming from her sofa. "No shoes on the couch."

A grumpy huff was the only response, but more shifting ensued and a pair of black boots hooked over one side. Followed by the passive-aggressive flip of pages turning. 

* * *

In the kitchen, Roxanne leaned on the bench and gave herself a moment to breathe. She was not giving up Tea with Topsy time. If letting her serial kidnapper with the giant lasers gatecrash and laze on her couch for a couple of hours was what it took to keep these planning sessions a recurring feature, then that's just what she has to deal with. She has her sister's wedding to think of after all. And Minion had promised to talk his Megamind into giving her that week off.

Roxanne Ritchi might have a secret fondness for giant lasers, but she took her duties as Maid of Honour very seriously. 

"Coffee Minion?" she asked

"Oh no thank you Miss Ritchi."

"May I have coffee Miss Ritchi?"

"Coffee is for invited guests" She was letting him stay, didn't mean she had to be nice about it.

"Is that a no?"

"Read your book Megamind." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In other good news I figured out the ending of this fic today and I am so excited to share it with you...in 20 or so chapters...


	3. In which the true value of Terry Pratchett is revealed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bargains are struck, stationary is thrown and Megamind has entirely reasonable reactions to things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't read any Discworld, I thoroughly recommend it. Though I'm now regretting deciding to add relevant quotes to the start of my chapters...

_**Topsy leaned forward "I never minded about Honey, you know" she said slightly lowering her voice. "Quite a nice girl, but thick as a lard of yard. She wasn't the first, either. Not by a long way. I was Joshua's mistress once myself."** _   
_**\- Terry Pratchett, Making Money** _

Megamind sulked for a while, then went back to the book Miss Ritchi had pressed on him. He rather liked this Vetinari fellow. Few writers really appreciated the villainous style a finely trimmed goatee and a carefully arched eyebrow afforded them.

The warm spring breeze drifted in through the balcony doors as Roxanne and Minion continued planning through the rest of May.

"Sir has meetings on the Tuesday so it won't be then at least." Minion was stating, marking a symbol on the same date in black.

"Meetings?" Roxanne asked curiously. "With who?"

Minion gave her a flat look, "Miss Ritchi we've talked about this."

"I know, I know" Roxanne held her hands up in surrender, "Bad reporter habits. I'm sorry"

"I thought you said you didn't ask about my plans Miss Ritchi" came the voice from her couch.

"I don't for the kidnappings," Roxanne took a sip from her mug "Never said anything about the rest of your evil empire" there was a hrmph and the flick of another page "Don't worry you have a very loyal henchfish, I've interviewed more talkative mimes."

"I don't know why you'd expect anything less Miss Ritchi"

Minion thrashed in his dome, flattered.

"So that's four afternoon slots plus the new hospital opening on the twenty seventh of May." Roxanne tucked her hair behind her ear and frowned at the scribbles on the page. "I'm still waiting for my boss to get back to me about the new schools advantage program I pitched him."

"I'm sure he'll say yes Miss Ritchi." Minion drew a line through several dates on his planner, "We'll probably look at something later in the week.

"Okay. You know if you wait for Saturday you'll catch the mid year sales crowds downtown?"

"Oh good thinking Miss Ritchi."

In the lounge, the flick of turning pages was steadily increasing , then silence, and after a short time, a polite cough. Roxanne looked up from the tenth of June.

"You don't like the book?" she frowned. There were few true evils in the world in her opinion, and not liking the Discworld novels ranked surprisingly highly for someone who was kidnapped and threatened by deathtraps on a regular basis. 

"What? No!" Megamind sat up and blinked at her in shock "It was brilliant!"

"Oh," Roxanne was somewhat mollified by the correct reaction to Pratchett, "Well good.That was faster than I expected"

The tips of his ears flushed lavender "I read very quickly Miss Ritchi," he looked down awkwardly.

Roxanne tipped her head onto her hand and frowned at him "You say that like its a bad thing"

"It was at shool" he muttered

"You want to read another?"

"Er, yes" Megamind held the novel like a book-shaped flag of truce, "It was very good Miss Ritchi, may I?" he gestured towards the shelf of books, eyes flicking hungrily between the Pratchett in his hand and the long line of titles bearing the same name.

Roxanne chewed the inside of her lip. This had been the least disruptive amount of time she'd ever spent in Megamind and Minion's company conscious and she was already halfway through pencilling in June... who was she to kick a gifthorse in the teeth?

"Knock yourself out" she waved a hand at the shelf. Megamind scrambled off the couch to run his hands along the books

"Are these in order?" he asked eagerly, and okay, his excitement is kind of cute.

"Technically yes, but they're best read in groups." she tapped the table to get his attention "Skip the first couple, they get better further along."

Megamind shifted away from the books closest to the table. He reached out and slid a book from of the shelf, fingers hesitating, he glanced at Roxanne as if to check for permission. At her nod, he selected a second...then a third and fourth in rapid succession and threw himself back onto the couch with a full body wriggle, books clutched to his chest.

Roxanne smiled and glanced at Minion who was grinning. "Adorable" she mouthed, Minion bobbed in his dome in agreement. She picked up her mug and realised it was empty again. "Coffe Minion?" she asked on autopilot, getting up to reach for the kettle.

"No thank you Miss Ritchi,"

A steady silence leaked out from the couch, spreading over the floor like an invisible pool of noiseless molasses. Roxanne rolled her eyes at herself, kettle filling steadily from the tap.

"Megamind?" 

The couch jumped, "Um, Ollo?"

"Would you like coffee?"

"Oh. Ah yes Miss Ritchi."

Minion coughed, an unexpected sound in a fish.

"Yes, _thank you_ Miss Ritchi, coffee would be greatly appreciated."

"Okay" Roxanne poured coffee into a mug emblazoned with the chemical compound for caffeine, an office Secret Santa gift from last year, "How do you take it?"

"A bloop of milk" a hesitation, "and six sugars please." That last part is definitely aimed at Minion if his eyeroll is anything to go by. Roxanne shook her head and added spoonful after spoonful to the mug.

She carried it over to the couch and set it down on the coffee table. Megamind blinked at the mug, then smiled in recognition at the pattern, letting Roxanne's copy of Men at Arms rest open on his lap. A small stack of books sat beside him "Thank you Miss Ritchi," he repeated, sitting up to take the mug, cradling the warmth in his hands.

"So you're liking Pratchett?" Roxanne asked curiously. She had plenty of non-fiction, and even a few peer reviewed science journals containing articles and research that she's been following over the years stuffed into her admittedly crowded shelves. He could have taken any of those instead. 

Green eyes brightened,"Oh yes! This Ankh Morpork is really something, the way the city runs is fascinating!"

Roxanne blinked in the face of his enthusiasm. "I should have known you'd be entertained by the idea of Vetinari."

He gave her a dangerous smile and an appropriately arched eyebrow in response. Roxanne gave him a knowing look, "A little less _I'll hang you by your toes in the scorpion pit_ and a little more _I know what you ate for breakfast yesterday and who you ate it with..._ "

The smile dissipated, but the eyebrow remained.

"Much better!"

Megamind snorted and took a sip of coffee "I bow to your superior collection of works on the subject Miss Ritchi."

Roxanne gave him a look, "Well," she waved to the shelves, "They should all be there. Help yourself while you're here." The grin she got in return was blinding, she felt a corner of her mouth crook up in response. 

Megamind's ears went lavender again and he placed the mug down carefully to lift the book back up.

"Dwarves and werewolves and trolls" he mused, looking over the blurb, "What a pity they missed incredibly handsome blue evil geniuses." 

Roxanne pushed her mouth back down and walked over to the shelf. She tilted her head a moment, trying to work out which books he had taken by the gaps in the shelves. Her wellworn copy of The Truth was gone, and the first two von Lipwigs. She reached for the next shelf and her copy of The Wee Free Men.

"They are definitely blue" she said with a straight face, offering the book to Megamind. "And very very criminal" then unable to help herself, she winked. "There's even a kidnapping."

Megamind looked startled, blue skin in sharp contrast to her red couch cushions, but he reached out a hesitant hand and accepted the book, "Thank you." He's not going to think about how nice it is to just exist on a comfortable couch and read from the library of his erstwhile damsel while the sounds of the city filter through the open doors...whether his coffee is still a tiny bit not sweet enough and he's not actually invited to join in on the conversation between Minion and Miss Ritchi is almost immaterial. Almost.

"You're welcome." Roxanne smiled crookedly again and headed back to her planner. 

Megamind raced through Men at Arms, accompanied by almost perfectly sweetened coffee, then hesitated over the book Roxanne had actually specifically selected for him. No, save that one for last...and save the one that's obviously been read so many times it looks like it needs to be held together with a piece of string, its obviously a favourite. Alright, on to... Going Postal or Making Money? Roxanne had said they were to be read in groups rather than in order...Making Money it is.

He opened the book and began to read. More of this Vetinari...excellent...

Roxanne and Minion finished scheduling the third week of June. Megamind kept reading.

Then he stopped, reread the page. And reread it again.

"Aha!" He sprung over the couch and slammed the open book down on the table between the planners. "Now I see where this cunning plan has come from! You plagiarists you!"

Minion and Roxanne blinked, looking down at the book then back up to his triumphant expression.

Roxanne's brow creased at the bent spine of her copy of Making Money "What are you talking about?"

"There! Right there!" a gloved hand jabbed at the page.

Roxanne craned her head and read aloud " _Oh, yes' said Mrs Lavish. 'People understood more then. It was all quite acceptable. I used to take tea with his wife once a month to sort out his schedule, and she always said she was glad to have him out from under her feet. Of course, a mistress was expected to be a woman of some accomplishment in those days.' She sighed. 'Now, of course, the ability to spin upside down around a pole seems to be sufficient._ '" She blinked at Megamind who was practically vibrating in place. "Oh, yeah that was a bit of an inspiration."

"Aha! So you admit it!" 

"Admit what? That we meet for tea and scheduling? Yes, we explained that to you when you fell through the balcony doors."

"Details details" Megamind waved airily, unaccountably relieved to know this wasn't some plan they had entirely come up with on their own without him.

"Very clever Sir," Minion congratulated, "You caught us."

"Hey" Roxanne pushed his hand off the book and closed it, checking the spine for signs of damage "Be nice to my books"

"Ah, my apologies Miss Ritchi," he pulled his hand away and waited for her to see for herself the book was unharmed. As if he'd ever damage a book. Grumbling she handed it back. "Topsy has been a mystery Minion has been teasing me with for some time." 

"Sir!"

"Oh don't pre-vari-sate Minion, its not exactly a surprise now why you refused to tell me."

"I couldn't lie to you Sir!"

"How did you find out about Topsy?" Roxanne asked curiously.

Megamind pointed at Minion "This one had Tea with Topsy written in purple sparkling ink on the calendar." Minion didn't blush, but the flick of his fins was a clear indicator of embarrassment. Megamind shook his head, "Really Minion, at least if you'd used Honey I might have assumed you meant the bees."

Roxanne reached out with her pen and poked him in the side. He yelped and leapt back from the table "Ouch! What was that for?"

"Megamind if I so much as hear you think the words 'thick as a lard of yard' in my direction I will superglue your cape to your boots." she glared.

The look of alarm on his face transformed, "Why Miss Ritchi!" he exclaimed delightedly, clutching a hand to his side, "Are you implying you're my mistress?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, resting her chin on her hand. "Mistress of Evil, that's me." 

He raised a brow in response, then stroked his chin thoughtfully. "What an excellent moniker Miss Ritchi, we should have cards made up for you."

Roxanne snorted, "Go back to Pratchett O Overlord of Metrocity. You're supposed to be out from under our feet for this." She made a waving motion with her hand, shooing him back to the couch, Megamind caught her fingers and made an exaggerated bow over her hand " _My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun_ " he quoted, smirking.

Roxanne raised an eyebrow, "If you keep interrupting and I wind up getting kidnapped on my sister's wedding day I will eat your heart in the marketplace."

"Your sister is getting married?" he asked. Across the table Minion didn't look surprised. Another one of those things he hadn't seen fit to mention. 

"She is." Roxanne gripped the hand holding her fingers. "Marnie's wedding. I want that week off."

Megamind glared at Minion for a moment, Minion glared back unimpressed, then tilted in his bowl to indicate Miss Ritchi was still waiting for an answer "And why would I do that?"

Roxanne narrowed her eyes, "Because I let you read my books. And I've been your exclusive kidnapee for the last seven years and you owe me? And because I can and will get KCMP to run a week long program about Metro Man's greatest victories if you don't?" 

"Bribery, extortion and threats Miss Ritchi," he gave her a slow evil smile "I'm impressed."

Her grip tightened, "Answer me." 

Megamind blinked, disconcerted, "I think that's the first time you've actually asked me for something like this."

Roxanne shrugged, "Nothing else has been as important" That is hmm... she's not going to think about how that sounds now that she's said it out loud. 

Megamind bent down and looked at her searchingly, his thumb unconsciously brushing over the top of her knuckles. Roxanne held his gaze, and her breath.

Then he straightened, propped his hip on the table and gave her the kind of grin she associated with when she figured out his plot before the theatrical reveal. "Tell me Miss Ritchi, how long after your sister got engaged did you start suggesting these meetings to Minion?"

Roxanne suddenly looked extremely pleased with herself, "Three days." She glanced at Minion apologetically, "Not that I hadn't been contemplating it earlier. I really wasn't kidding about the hairdresser."

Minion gaped at her for a moment then waved his hands brushing away her apology. "Oh no Miss Ritchi, its been a pleasure keeping things more organised."

Megamind laughed, "The coordinated stationary was an exceptional touch." he brought her fingers to his mouth and inclined his blue head over them agian, cool air rushed over her fingers "For the clearly ee-vil planning that went into arranging all this you shall have your week."

Roxanne's face lit up in a bright smile, "Seriously?" Megamind felt like he'd taken a laser beam to the face.

"I-er yes?"She was still giving him that thousand watt smile, more open and delighted than any he'd seen her use in any of her news reports or interviews. It was like looking at the sun, he was already burning and just didn't know it yet. "Your sister's wedding means a lot to you doesn't it?" Oh smooth move genius she's literally just admitted to manipulating the last seven months to get what she wanted. And if that wasn't the spectacularly devious and attractive thing he'd ever seen he'd eat his collar.

But she's still smiling at him. Softer now, sunlight rather than supernova "Yeah it really does" He could bask in that smile all day. Promise her anything to keep her looking at him like that. 

No no no he is going to trap that thought and seal it in a box and throw that box into the nearest star which is Sol so now he's back and the sun again and oh no why does she have this effect on him.

"Is there anything else I should avoid that week?" He asked around the helium balloon bouncing around in his chest, "No giant robots rampaging in the streets and causing traffic jams?"

"I don't think so?" she tucked her hair behind her ear and his eyes automatically tracked the movement around the soft pink curve "Its at a winery estate a couple of hours out of town. Just don't blow up the moon or anything."

Now that he can promise. He crossed a finger over his chest, "My word as a super-villain, the moon and your sister's wedding day is safe." 

"Hmm," Roxanne eyed him thoughtfully, but her smile kept glowing, turning teasing. She could ask him for the rings of Saturn right now and he'd do his best to give them to her. "I'm not sure how much that's worth..."

Ah, here at least is familiar ground.

"You wound me Miss Ritchi," he pressed his free hand to his chest, "I'll even let your meathead boyfriend throw me back in jail for the day."

"As if that would ever stop you."

"Your suspicious mind will serve you well as Mistress of Evil Miss Ritchi."

Roxanne threw her head back and laughed and oh he managed to make her sound like that. He is without a doubt the greatest genius on the planet. Megamind turned to Minion, away from the sun, away from the burning, "Enter this into your colour co-ordinated ee-vil planner my foremost henchfish, Miss Ritchi's sister's wedding on the-" he leaned over to check the calendar page of Roxanne's planner, "-eighth of November is officially to be free from all evil plans involving Miss Ritchi."

Minion's gaze was flickering between their faces and and their still joined hands. "I-Of course Sir!" He grabbed for a pen as Roxanne and Megamind looked down and pulled their hands apart. "Done, Sir."

"Thank you Minion." Megamind was suddenly fixated on tightening the buckle on his glove.

"Thanks." Roxanne wrapped her hands firmly around her mug. "You can go back to the couch now Megamind."

"You command and I obey Mistress" he slipped back to throw himself over the back of the couch and pressed his hand over his face to concentrate on not bursting into hysterical and not at all panicked laughter.

Roxanne threw a pen lid at him in retaliation.

His hand snapped up and he caught it without looking.

She threw an eraser.

He caught that too.

And the highlighter, and the sharpener and a paperclip shaped like an octopus.

"Will you stop that!" 

From her seat at the table Roxanne giggled, giddy with the knowledge she had Marnie's day safe. "This is the first time we've been in a room together where I haven't been tied up like Bondage Barbie, I'm getting seven years worth of rev-ahnge"

"Say the word Miss Ritchi, that can be amended" He wouldn't. Unless she asked and nope that was a completely off limits train of thought _why is he such a disaster_

"Hmm...Nah."

The eraser made a return trip and hit her on the side of her head.

* * *

By the time they've finished their coffee and the rest of the macarons, Minion and Roxanne were nearly finished with June. Megamind had finished Making Money and moved on to Going Postal...damn he should have read those the other way around.

"No issue with the 24th then Miss Ritchi?"   
Roxanne flipped forward a few pages, "I think there was something" she paused frowning at a scrawled note, "Shouldn't be an issue as long as its after four. I have the fitting for the bridesmaid dress." She picked up her blue pen and added a note

Minion flapped his fins excitedly, "Oh so she chose! Which colour did she go with? Can I see it?"

"Hm? Oh yeah we'll be wearing blue" Roxanne tilted her head in the direction of her bedroom, "Its in the bag behind the door if you want to take a look."  
The pistons in his legs hissed as Minion got up and bustled into the bedroom "Oh this will look lovely Miss Ritchi," he called, "Its just the colour of Sir's pectoral gills"  
"I'll take your word for it, Minion"

Hidden behind the couch cushions, Megamind lay frozen. Too stunned to even consider shouting at Minion for revealing the existence of his gills, book forgotten on his chest as he reeled at the sudden mental image of Roxanne Ritchi in a blue dress.

"Miss Ritchi," his head popped up over the back of the couch, "Are you not on good terms with your sister?"

"What?" Roxanne was startled, "Of course I am? I literally just asked you for her wedding day off."

"Then why is she making you wear," he gestured at his forehead to emphasise the point.

Roxanne blinked, "What? Blue? You don't actually own the colour Megamind,"

"Yes but," Megamind frowned, "I never see you wear blue."

Roxanne was confused, "I do have a life outside the kidnappings you know. What I wear for the rest of the week or is my own business." She dropped her voice to a stage whisper "I have even been known to wear...jeans"

"I, yes that's not the point," Megamind waved his arms frustratedly, "But even on television you are never in blue."

"I'm never in fluro yellow either?"

"Yes but blue is an acceptable colour for people to wear on television, including reporters" (He knows. He has studied this. He had to. It stopped him going insane, startling every time blue flashed on the screen and he would flinch, thinking of the few glimpses holovids he remembered from home. Of Cepha blue arms and crooning as he was rocked in the waves. He'll give prison this, at least that particular garish shade of orange had been a purely Earth invention)

"Oh." Roxanne hadn't realised he paid attention to what she wore, "Well that's work. I may be your preferred kidnapee but as a journalist I'm expected to be impartial."

Megamind frowned, "Is this a human so-see-al concept?" 

Roxanne hummed consideringly "Its more...colour association really. Metro Man is in white and gold, you have blue and black. It's important for me to be able to stand as my own figure when reporting. So i tend to make sure I'm in green or red or purple or some other colour on kidnapping days." She shrugged, "Honestly its been nice to be able to expand my wardrobe again now I'm not dressing for the possibility of the Chair every day."

"Ah, presentation," Megamind considered that, "That is remarkably clever of you Miss Ritchi."

"Well I am a remarkably good reporter" she grinned.

Minion bustled back in, "I've hung up the dress, Miss Ritchi, really you shouldn't let chiffon like that scrunch in the bag, it will get wrinkled" he picked up his pen, "It looks to be about two inches to long and will need to be taken in about half an inch at the bust. The straps are fine but if you really want it to fit properly they should raise the waistline by a full inch, but that would mean redoing the pleats and that will take more time than the dress is worth."

"Oh!" surprise decorated Roxanne's features, ""Thank you Minion, you could tell all that without seeing me try it on?"

Minion beamed, "Well I could probably work it out to the millimetre if I saw you in it, but yes, that should be most of it."

"Minion has incredible spatial awareness and reasoning Miss Ritchi," Megamind rested the hand holding Going Postal on the top of the couch cushion and let the other trace lazy patterns over the couch back "its related to his understanding of where he is in water at all times."

"That's fascinating. Minion, could you write that down for me? About the hem and bust at least? I'll take it with me when I go to the seamstress."

"Of course Miss Ritchi,"

"Oh bring it along next kidnapping and let Minion do it," Megamind grinned at his henchfish, "He's been wanting to design you a dress for all those fancy Scott Galas for years"

"Ooh yes Miss Ritchi, please say yes, please?" Minion flipped in his bowl and fluttered his fins excitedly.

"I-are you sure? It sounded like a lot of work?" Roxanne hesitated, knowing that her coworker Yumi had had to go back three times for her own wedding dress a couple of years ago. She really didn't want to have to squeeze in three more appointments in work hours.

A cybernetic gorilla arm waved away her concerns "Miss Ritchi I could do those adjustments in my sleep. Its no trouble at all."

"Okay," Roxanne smiled "Then yeah that'd be great. I have to get the shoes first though"

Minion added a note excitedly to his planner "Of course. Will they be cream?"

"Silver actually, we're going shoe shopping on the fourteenth"

Megamind was still hanging over the edge of the couch, "Ooh then on the fifteenth-"

Minion faced Megamind in his dome and jutted out his jaw, "You're not interrupting Hench-vent Sir"

"But-"

"You're not."

"But"

"Sir, I will sick the Union on you"

"There's a Henchman's Union?" Roxanne looked fascinated. Megamind grumbled "Of course there's a Hench's Union, Miss Ritchi, what kind of Super-villain do you take me for?"  
Minion swum back to grin at her, "The first branch was established the year after Sir took over as Overlord of Metrocity"

"Huh," Roxanne considered that and looked at Megamind who was shifting his shoulders , faint violet tinging his ears, "Good job you."

"A good union is the mark of a well functioning society, Miss Ritchi." Megamind intoned while his inner voice shrieked (good job! Good Job!) "Its not my fault your city refused to be reasonable and already implement the ratified agreements adapted from the Workers Rights charter of 1908. When I defeat Metro Mahn and am declared supreme ruler of Metrocity I will ensure all companies maintain inviolable industrial agreements with their unions.

Roxanne bit her lip to stop laughing and looked at Minion, he gave her a long suffering eyeroll, "Yes dear" they chorused.

Megamind flushed deep violet and hid back behind the couch cushions with the entertainingly clever Moist von Lipwig.

* * *

  
Finally, finally, May and June were finalised, and even the start of July had a date or two marked down. Megamind had finished Going Postal and was half way through The Wee Free Men, making outraged noises at the erratic behaviour of other blue criminals.

"Okay" Roxanne stretched "I am officially planned out." She slumped sideways in her chair and blew her hair out of her eyes. "Thanks for coming Minion"

"My pleasure Miss Ritchi. Thank you for not throwing Sir off the balcony when he arrived"

"Oh damn was that an option?"

A paperclip shaped like an octopus hit her on the nose.

"Hey!"

"Miss Ritchi I like to think I behaved significantly better as a guest of your house than you usually do when you visit mine."

"Sorry," Roxanne propped her feet on another chair and leaned back to collect the paperclip from the floor, "I was fresh out of potato sacks for your head."

Minion stood and started gathering his planner and pens, "We appreciate your patience, don't we Sir?"

"Yes fine. Thank you for the loan of your books Miss Ritchi, and the coffee." there was shifting from the couch. She could see black boots on the floor past the dustbunnies under the couch. She really needed to sweep.

"Hmm..." Roxanne drummed the backs of her fingernails against the wooden floor, letting her head hang upside down, "I guess you were...less terrible that previous encounters would have suggested."

Long black clad legs entered her field of vision, "Miss Ritchi you flatter me" green eyes glinted in the late afternoon sun

"Oh no," Roxanne smirked, "Wouldn't want you to get a big head."

The look he gave her was so deeply unimpressed that Roxanne giggled.

Minion walked behind him into the kitchen, there was a rush of water and the clunk of her dishwasher door.

"I've put the mugs in the dishwasher for you Miss Ritchi," Minion called

"Minion I've told you not to bother cleaning up, you're supposed to be a guest."

"Nevertheless Miss Ritchi, you shouldn't reuse the same mug all day"

"Why not?" Roxanne tilted her head and felt her hair brush the floorboards. Megamind looked like she'd just handed him a new giant laser and whirled on Minion.

"Aha! You see Minion, using the same mug is not unreasonable. There's no point getting another one dirty when you're only going to fill it again immediately!"

"I don't think Miss Ritchi uses her mugs for mould growing experiments, Sir"

"I mean not deliberately" Roxanne pulled herself upright and felt the blood rush away from her face

Minion gave an put upon sigh and came back towards the table.

"I'll meet you back at the Lair, Sir?" he asked, picking up the toolbox.

"Yes I should probably finish working on-" he cut himself off gaze flickering to Miss Ritchi

"Ooh is it a death ray?" Roxanne rested her chin on her interlaced fingers and batted her eyelashes teasingly. Megamind made a choked noise she chose to interpret as her guessing correctly and she grinned.

"Save your reporterly wiles for next week Miss Ritchi." he turned away and tweaked his collar irritably "It would be rude to spoil the surprise"

"Spoilsport" Roxanne hopped up and led the way to her front door, "Thanks again for the macarons Minion. Catch up in few weeks?"

Minion glanced at Megamind, who was still standing by the table, fiddling with his mantle. He gave a defeated shrug, "If I couldn't stop you before O Henchfish mine I'm not going to try now."

"Thank you Sir," Minion twisted the disguise watch on his wrist and Gaston the plumber reappeared. "See you next week Miss Ritchi"

"Bye Minion," Roxanne closed the door and turned to look at the remaining alien looming in her apartment, vaguely surprised he hadn't tried to turn today into another kidnapping. 

Megamind was looking longingly at the half finished Pratchett sitting on the arm of the couch. Roxanne eyed him for a moment, then picked it up and held it towards him, "If I find out the brain-bots chew on books I will be very upset."

Gloved hands folded over the book carefully. "I shall guard it with my life" he promised, green eyes meeting hers then sliding away to The Truth. "I never quite- hmm it doesn't matter."

Roxanne watched his hesitation curiously "You want to borrow that one as well?" She lifted it off the end of the couch, checking all the pages were inside and no more had come loose. "I wouldn't have picked you for a proponent of The Truth"

"It looked well-read, I assumed it was your favourite" Oh that was a stupid thing to say, could he not be creepy for five minutes?

But Roxanne laughed, "Its cliche, but it is." She handed his this book as well. "You can laugh at me about it once you've read it."

"I'll laugh at you puny humans for a lot of reasons Miss Ritchi, but never for having a favourite book"

"Hm," She gave him a knowing look then headed for the balcony "I assume your ride's out here?"

He followed in her wake, "You assume correctly."

"Let me guess, jetpack? Rocket boots?"

"Nosy reporter."

She stopped just before the balcony doors and spun around to look up at him, he froze half a step from walking into her, his eyebrows climbed as she twisted her fingers.

"Hey," Roxanne said awkwardly, "Um. Thanks for agreeing to the wedding week. It means a lot. Marnie and Joy are going to be so excited."

He gave her a much smaller smile than she was used to seeing on him in return, and stepped around her and out of her personal space "Of course Miss Ritchi"

Roxanne followed him onto the balcony and watched as he grabbed for something and made a twisting motion in the air. A large silver machine appeared above her balcony table. It looked like the hot rod version of the space ships set out for kids in front of supermarkets. The ones that roll back and forth for fifty cents a ride. Except bigger, and faster, and much more fun.

"Is that a hoverbike?" 

"It is." He flicked a couple of switches and a low hum started. Her copies of The Wee Free Men and The Truth were carefully stowed in a clever side panel.

"Is it fast?" The interest in her voice made him turn and he gave her a sharp grin, "Extremely."

Roxanne was eyeing the sleek chrome speculatively, "How come you never kidnap me on that thing?"

"What makes you think you haven't been?" he raised an eyebrow

She folded her arms, "Bullshit"

"Oh no I assure you Miss Ritchi, we dangle you in a net like a sack of potatoes, its all very dangerous."

"I'm missing out, that looks fun."

Megamind swung himself onto the hoverbike and did something with the buttons, the engine roared and he took off before he did something stupid like offer her a ride.  
"Until next time Miss Ritchi!"

Roxanne watched the bike disappear then went back inside and started tidying up the remaining detritus from the planning. She picked up the books stacked neatly on the sofa and eyed the gaps in her collection.

"Roxanne you softie," she cursed herself as she slid the freshly read books away, "Don't feed the strays."

Then she jumped in a circle and squealed, hugging herself. One kidnapping free baby sister's wedding day coming up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone else struggle with reading ahead of the class in school? Fuck that used to be frustrating


	4. New toys and unexpectedly civil conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne gets a surprise and learns some things...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how journalism works...and at this point I'm too scared to ask  
> Not that the last chapters weren't incredibly important, but I'm so excited to be getting to the fun parts for you all dear readers

_**“The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money.  
**_ _**Take boots, for example. He earned thirty-eight dollars a month plus allowances. A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. Those were the kind of boots Vimes always bought, and wore until the soles were so thin that he could tell where he was in Ankh-Morpork on a foggy night by the feel of the cobbles.** _

_**But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while the poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet.** _

_**This was the Captain Samuel Vimes 'Boots' theory of socioeconomic unfairness.”** _

_**― Terry Pratchett, Men at Arms** _

When Roxanne padded out into her kitchen the next morning she was greeted by the sight of a box sitting on her kitchen bench with a small card on top.  
The lightning bolts on the ribbon were a dead giveaway but she still made herself a cup of tea and smeared honey on her toast before sitting down to slide the card out of the little envelope.

_To the Mistress of all Evil,_

She is not going to blush at that, she is _not_.

_Minion advised me of the issue with your phone company. As the reason your latest pitiable human communicator was destroyed, I have provided you with a suitable replacement. Keyed to your hands only, it functions with a universal charger and is the standard range of sim compatible. It can survive at least a five story drop (I do not recommend testing this from your own balcony) The battery life will last one hundred and eighty four hours and twelve minutes. It will work on any network and has an excellent camera mode for your next reporting endeavour. Do ensure you catch my good side._

_Megamind, Overlord of Metrocity and incredibly handsome genius Super-Villain_

_PS. I borrowed the Colour of Magic_

Roxanne opened the box. Its a phone. Well its phone shaped. She's fairly certain no phone on the market has a blue case so dark as to look black or glass that tingles then lights up as she brushed her fingers against the screen.

A message box popped up _Welcome Roxanne Ritchi, Mistress of all Evil._ She snorted. The phone guided her through a short set up then invited her to sync her old phone. Roxanne took a sip of tea and hummed thoughtfully. On one hand, new fancy phone and that battery life...on the other how much did she trust Megamind not to lift her data?

_If he wanted your data he'd have it already_ the reasonable voice in her head pointed out. _Do you really think he couldn't hack any system if he wanted?_

This was true, she acknowledged

_And he didn't know about Topsy until Minion wrote it on a calendar_

That was also true.

It was a very fancy new phone...

Fuck it. 

New toy shiny.

A tap of her finger started the transfer. Roxanne nibbled her toast. The phone pinged.

Oh wow. New toy fast.

Roxanne had seen plenty of evidence of Megamind's technological capabilities over seven years worth of kidnappings. Giant robotic suits and hoverbikes don't just build themselves. She'd seen him rewire an entire laser rail gun on the fly once, that had been impressive. But she also spent almost the entirety of every kidnapping tied extremely securely to The Chair. The closest she usually got to actually touching anything was when the brain-bots got curious and begged for pats.

Roxanne hated The Chair. How was she supposed to report on deathtraps and dehydration guns when she was tucked safely out of the way?

But this? Shiny new toy all for her? No countdown for Metro Man to show up and ~~smash~~ dismantle or do something ridiculous like get her out of the blast radius before she'd finished trying to figure out how the force shield generator worked?

Roxanne definitely did not giggle. Let's see...alarms...news feed...ah, camera, she grinned and took an experimental photo of her kitchen. Then her breakfast, then the view from her balcony, her books, a lamp, the window-box, a passing butterfly and her face.

New toy _fantastic_

She opened the address book, intending to message Marnie and Joy the good news about the wedding. Her standard contacts were already there, friends and family, work colleagues and sources. The tab beside that is a mystery. She tapped it curiously. There were only two contacts on this list, one for Mr Bubbles, with a shot of a grinning Minion flipping upside down in his bowl. The other was a default looking blue circle that reads "Get out of Jail Free".

Huh.

She'd never had a way of reaching out to them directly before. She'd never even considered them using something as mundane as a phone. It was always those fancy communicator watches that she was determined to one day get her hands on.

Roxanne grinned, then typed out a quick message to the blue dot.

_Thnx for the phone. Stop breaking into my house._

It pings back a moment later, 

_Stop having such an easy balcony lock to pick. Also you're out of milk._

A different ping sounded and a notification appeared on the screen. Alert: Bus 203 departing Stop 41 East in 15 minutes. Bus is currently 3 minutes ahead of schedule.

Fuck her data, this thing tells her when her bus is coming? She should have asked him to replace her phone years ago. Roxanne shoved her old and new phone in her bag and bounced into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Best new toy ever.

* * *

Roxanne strolled into the tall grey building that housed KCMP and breezed into the morning meeting room, still investigating her new phone, ooh games.

"Ritchi."

"Morning Max"

Max Greenslade, the perpetually rumpled head of KCMP Live Reporting Room gave her a curt nod and gestured for her to sit. She slid in beside Yumi from Meteorology who smiled at her and pushed the plate of meeting pastries in her direction, "Hey you got your phone fixed!"

"Even better," Roxanne grinned, waggling the black glass gleefully as the rest of the stragglers filed in. "New one."

"For realsies? I thought your Telco shot you down?" Yumi's Japanese heritage had given her skin that was the envy of every camera fronting staff member at KCMP but her friendly attitude and ability to always be in reach of meeting snacks was all her own

"They did," Roxanne gave her a smug look, "Proprietary new tech."

Yumi's jaw dropped, "Scott Industries is making a new phone?"

"Nope. New player, check out the camera."

Yumi leaned over the screen and admired the shot of Roxanne's kitchen. "No way, don't let Tim see that, you'll never get it back again"

Roxanne pulled the phone protectively to her chest, "Mine. No touchie."

"Alright people, lets get moving" Max ran a heavy hand through his sparse hair and pushed a sheaf of paper towards the middle of the table. "We've got two big stories today. The court should be handing down their ruling on the Landlord V Tenants rent hike evictions from reconstructed apartments today and we've had a string of unexplained fires flaring up around the lower Parklands area.

The meeting attendees hushed and sat up to await their assignments.

"Yumi, onsite weather is happening at Scott Park. They've got a new skate park so see if you can get some kids doing some tricks in the background."

"Yes Max" Yumi nabbed the last apricot danish out from under Roxanne's fingers and grinned triumphantly. Roxanne stuck her tongue out quickly and took a lemon one instead.

"Tim, Sports wants the lineup for the women's hockey team for the new season."

Tim who was eyeing Roxanne's phone with undisguised lust, nodded and gave a thumbs up.

"Ritchi, you'll be live from the courthouse steps once the Tenancies ruling is handed down after lunch. Hit City Hall and get some soundbites from the Mayor's office about the outcome and check in with the Renters Association if either of them are going to appeal.

"Can do Max." Roxanne added a note to her new phone "Do you want me to swing a full interview or just their official word?"

Max pulled the plate of pastries towards him and dropped a slice of poppyseed cake onto his tablet for later. "What's worth getting an interview over?"

"Not sure yet. The mayor's been squirrely as hell on this one. He went to university with a few of the big players in the case. I've been digging to see if he has any financial interests in the buildings involved."

"Use your best judgement. If you can get him to crack do it. Otherwise save it for the flower show next week, see if you can catch him with his pants down."

"Done."

"Brad, you're on site for the fires and running backup for Ritchi if she gets nabbed before the case ruling for the Landlord dispute. If she gets kidnapped after we'll run it when she's back tonight instead."

Brad huffed, "Yeah sure boss"

Roxanne caught Yumi's eye and they shared a look. Brad would have been a perfectly serviceable reporter on any other station, or in any other city that didn't have a full-time super hero/villain rivalry. But he was constantly angling for Roxanne's stories, his opinion being that if she was going to be taken anyway she shouldn't be given any other reports and should just hang around and wait to be kidnapped and rescued.

Roxanne was lucky that Max had her back and shared her opinion that if Brad wanted to report on bigger stories, he could do the legwork to find one.

* * *

  
Meeting over, Roxanne waved goodbye to Yumi who rushed off to makeup for the midday weather report and headed for her desk. She called the Mayor's office and organised to swing by later for the official word on the outcome of the case. Hal dropped by to offer to get her lunch (at ten AM? Seriously?). But she was able to successfully divert his attention to making sure the van was ready to go and stressing that she had to find out more about the expected court ruling. Landlords pushing out lifelong tenants whose buildings had been destroyed when they couldn't afford the rent hikes after their previous slums were turned into sparkling designer apartments? It wasn't just greedy, it was wrong. The worst kind of gentrification.

"Oh research," Hal laughed, "Who needs it? Just make some stuff up Roxie! If I cant tell then no one will be able to, trust me. Hey you sure I cant get you lunch? Its Mexican day?"

Roxanne wasn't actually sure if that was supposed to be a joke, "I'm good Hal, I have to make a couple more calls. I'll meet you out front at two."

"Meet you at two! Sure thing Roxaroo!" He laughed at his own rhyme and sent her paper bin flying as he finger-gunned his way out.

Roxanne sighed, plugged her earbuds into her new phone and went looking for her music.

After ten minutes she'd found a barometer, a hyper-realistic flight simulator (that was going to be fun as soon as she had a VR headset) the best add-free web browser she'd ever seen in her life and a livefeed of a deep sea aquatic exploration drone. But no music.

Roxanne tapped her fingers against the phone case for a moment, then got up and shut herself in one of the soundproof interview rooms. KCMP had a strong confidentiality agreement about sources and the interview rooms doubled as inviolable sanctums of Do Not Disturb. She scrolled through the contacts list and dialled. 

"Ollo? Wha- Miss Ritchi?" Megamind's voice was faintly slurred, "When I said get out of jail free I wasn't expecting you to go out and have yourself arrested immediately just to see what I would do. Which jail are you in?"

"Oh!" Roxanne flushed red. She'd thought it was a joke, he'd responded to her texts so she'd assumed... "Um sorry no I'm fine never mind it was just a question about the phone- I'll let you go."

A groan echoed down the line, "Oh no Miss Ritchi, I should thank you. Falling asleep at my desk is a rotten way to treat my neck."

"What happened to evil never sleeps?"

"Evil never sleeps Miss Ritchi, but it does require a nap on occasion." She could hear a grunt and the squeak of chair wheels as he settled back.

"Why were you sleeping at your desk?"

"Oh you know," His voice took on more of his usual bombastic tone, "Working on this and that. Planning the next great battle for control of Metrocity..."

"Fell asleep watching cat videos didn't you?" Roxanne teased, leaning against the table.

"Miss Ritchi!" his attempt at shocked was spoiled by a yawn, "You dare imply I am not capable of falling asleep at my desk designing a giant laser while seem-ul-tan-eously watching cat videos? You insult me!"

"A giant laser? How intriguing..."

He laughed, "I see your wily reporter skills are as sharp as ever."

"Tell me, will this giant laser be aimed at me or the city this time?"

"Ah-ah-ah Miss Ritchi that would spoil the surprise."

"Oh but the people have a right to know"

"The people will be shocked and awed at my magnificence soon enough,"

Roxanne aimed a look at nowhere in particular.

"And don't give me that look Miss Ritchi you'll still find out before they do."

Roxanne pulled the phone away from her ear and glared at it, "If this phone has some secret camera that records while I'm making calls I will break it into pieces and make you swallow it."

"Such threats!" he sounded delighted, "You really are suited to being Evil Queen you know."

Roxanne snorted, "Flatterer."

"And what is happening at your desk today Miss Ritchi?"

"Oh you know, this and that..." Roxanne checked her nails and frowned at the chip in her polish. "Planning the next great expose into the evil and corrupted tenancy agreements controlling Metro City."

"Miss Ritchi I'll have you know all of my tenants are subject to fully ratified tenancy agreements overseen by an impartial ombudsman."

"You own an apartment building?"

"I own several. Through a number of intermediaries and shell companies of course."

Roxanne waved a hand "That's not surprising. Someone has to own all those big empty warehouses. I didn't expect you to go in for residential properties."

"You don't think we live in the Ee-vil Lair full time do you?"

That was a surprise, she'd assumed they did. "I'm trying to picture you vacuuming and I can only see you taking it apart to make a jet pack when you can't figure out how to change the bag."

He chuckled warm and low, "Evil means never having to do your own housework...also Minion has very strict rules about which appliances I am allowed to raid for parts."

Roxanne laughed.

"The Lair is preferred of course," Megamind continued "But you've successfully exploited Minion's taste for coordinated stationary, you should see him dressing apartments for showings."

"He would have way too much fun with that"

There was a groan that spoke of knot cushions and matching soap dispensers, "Miss Ritchi, you have no idea." 

"I'll bet," something that had been nibbling at the back of her mind swam to the surface, "You didn't yell at Minion about Topsy did you?"

There was silence.

"Megamind?"

"Did you actually think I would?" he asked curiously.

Roxanne let her shoulders relax, "No, but I wanted to make sure."

"Not to worry Miss Ritchi, the only one yelling yesterday was you."

"You gatecrashed, I was allowed." She drummed her fingers on the worn laminex of the table, "So do I need to start checking my neighbours mail for a Mr Blue?"

"Your building remains owned and populated solely by humans Miss Ritchi."

"You say that, but I have a theory my landlord is secretly Satan."

"Oh please. Its not that difficult to be a decent landlord, stay on top of maintenance, have an impartial property manager and most tenants will take care of themselves."

Roxanne's reporting instincts sat up and begged for attention, "Can I quote you on that?"

"No."

"Anonymously?"

"Absolutely not." His voice was stern.

Roxanne sat on the edge of the table and huffed, "Do you know how unfair it is that you tell me these things when I can't report on them?"

"Evil, Miss Ritchi." She could hear the grin back in his voice, "I do recommend it."

"Not happening. Have fun with your cat videos."

"Wait." There was a scrambling sound and she could hear a couple of brain-bots in the background "Miss Ritchi, wait please, you said you had a question about the phone? Is it not to your liking?"

"Its great actually. Seriously this camera is amazing, I've already had to threaten Tim with certain death if he so much as breathes on it. I just cant figure out how to sync my music."

"Oh ah... hold on its under entertainment, swipe up then scroll down though the options. I didn't add any particular services. I wasn't sure what you preferred. Or you can draw a musical note with your finger on the screen and it should appear."

"Seriously? Hang on," Roxanne pulled the phone away from her ear and swiped over the screen. A bubble popped up with the universal symbol for play/pause "That's so cool!"

"Oh!" He sounded startled "Well...its not really more convenient, just a feature I added to make it easier for when you have to be looking at the camera."

"Its a visual impairment aid? Megamind that's genius!"

There was a thunk like a box of something had just been dropped. "err...thank you Miss Ritchi" he sounded bewildered, "I suppose being an incredibly handsome evil genius does have its advantages"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "Uh-huh"

There was another crash, from far away she heard a distant yell of "Boris give those back!"

"Boris? Roxanne giggled, a faint _Bowg_ echoed in the background.

"Boris Morris and Horace are helping in the lab today," he sounded resigned, "Or they would be if they didn't keep trying to play tag with my gloves- Boris no- give those to Daddy. No Morris- this is not tug of war"

Roxanne laughed, "It sounds like you need to go, I have to be filming at City Hall soon anyway."

"Of course Miss Ritchi, Horace that is not a toy!" another thump and a slow ponderous sounding crash.

"Okay um, bye?"

"Goodbye Miss Ritchi, good luck with City Hall!" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm australian so there are words I am literally incapable of using and having it not throw me entirely off my writing including but not limited to Cell, Mom, College instead of University and anything spelt without the appropriate number of "u"s so apologies if this throws anyone off but I tried to not use mobile.
> 
> As always, comments are the grease on the wheels of writing progress


	5. In which there are lasers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kidnappings and banter and Star Wars references oh my

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter kicked my arse for about a week and was rewritten a couple of times because no one wanted to behave. A lot of the characterisation is developing as I write it and because I dont write in order some things that aren't consistent might end up getting changed down the track.   
> The good news is there is a good chunk of the next three or four chapters already written so hooray!

_**“I can see we're going to get along like a house on fire," said Miss Tick. "There may be no survivors.”** _   
_**― Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men** _

That week, there was a four day block set aside for the next kidnapping. Everything in the Ee-vil Lair was prepared and ready to proceed by the end of the first. Uncle Stephan had once impressed on him how important it was to never keep a lady waiting.

...unless of course one is evil.

It wouldn't do to be predictable after all.

Megamind was delighted to find sending a brain-bot to broadcast the sound of Minion's footsteps behind Miss Ritchi while she's on her way to the office is terrific fun. The way she jumped when she turned a corner to find absolutely nothing waiting for her? He hadn't laughed so hard in years. The lengthy cursing the bots picked up as she continued her day? Vastly entertaining. Even if he is going to have to scrub the vocabulary cores out with soap.

He should have thought of doing this years ago.

He gave her the rest of the day to sweat it out, then sent Minion pick her up on the third during her morning coffee break.

When Minion pulled the bag from her head with a flourish and Miss Ritchi saw him lounging in the Ee-vil chair smirking at her, she added a few more words to the bots growing vocabulary.

"Oh come now Miss Ritchi," green eyes gleamed in the low light of the lair, "Is such language really necessary? You knew I would be coming after all."

Her teeth clicked together and she pulled her expression back to give him a faintly amused look. "How unforgivably rude of me to expect you to kidnap me in a timely manner" she shot back coolly.

"Anticipation, Miss Ritchi, it adds a certain flavour don't you agree?"

"Only if you're looking forward to the meal."

He leaned forward and steepled his fingers together "Once you've tasted evil Miss Rtichi, I'm sure nothing else will satisfy."

She gave him a look of mild reproach "How could you disparage Minion's macarons like that?"

"Oh thank you Miss Ritchi" came Minion's voice from across the Lair. Megamind skidded his chair closer to the bound reporter.

"I think you'll find as Minion is my henchfish," he rolled his chair around the painted target where her own chair was planted "That you've already been seduced by the delicious evil of macaroons"

"Macarons" Roxanne corrected, turning her head to keep him in view.

"That's what I said"

"You said macaroons"

"Is there a difference?"

"Coconut, Sir" called Minion

"Yes, thank you Minion" _Hush henchfish, there is banter happening_

Miss Ritchi rolled her shoulders and looked around, "So where's my toy for this playdate?"

"Toy? Miss Ritchi? I'm afraid hostages don't get toys." 

"Oh really?" she lifted her eyes up to the gleaming steel positioned above her, "Then what's with the giant claw machine then?"

"I'm so glad you asked," he rolled back and swung his feet into the control panel blinking behind him. One heel came down on a large red button and the mechanism above Roxanne was suddenly bathed in bright white light "Behold! The Optical Beam of Incandescent Waste and Nullification!"  
Roxanne blinked and squinted upwards, the heavy steel casing shone in the spotlight, the glass bulb of the lens positioned directly over her head. "Oh, for me" she dropped her head back down and arched her brows "You shouldn't have."

"Oh not just you Miss Ritchi," He rubbed his hands gleefully "This laser has enough power to carve through everything from here to Main Street"

Roxanne looked down at the large red target painted below her chair, "That's an awfully large hole you'll be putting in the lair, surely its easier just to renovate?"

"You seem very concerned with my living conditions Miss Ritchi, shouldn't you be more worried about the instrument of your doom?" he drew the last word out for far longer than required, raising a villainous eyebrow.

She shrugged, glancing up at the laser again, "Seen one giant laser, seen 'em all"

"You've never seen one like this Miss Ritchi."

"Oh I think I have," 

"Ha!" he looked amused "You really think so?"

"I know so" she tilted her head and squinted upwards again, "That's the coupling from the Gigahertz E-Ray-Diator"

"It is not!" He wheeled over and pointed upwards "Those couplings are from the Cryofractalator, the mounting mechanism is from the Gigahertz E-Ray-Diator!" 

She eyed him over her shoulder and her mouth quirked upwards, "I was ri-ight" she sing-songed.

"Not exactly" he sing-songed back. She gave him a faintly amused look.

"So what happened yesterday? Did one of the pieces fall off?"

"Evil doesn't run to your schedule Miss Ritchi."

"So you were ready." she looked at him concernedly "Were you worried about firing prematurely? I've heard it happens to all villains sooner or later" 

Gloved fingers clenched on the arms of his chair, "Miss Ritchi," he purred, "When have you ever known me to be anything less than fully armed and operational." He spun to the control panel and hit the button to prepare the cameras. Behind him he heard the sound of grumbling and something that sounded like "...fucking tease..."

Oh she is delightful

Entirely worth the expansion of the bots vocabulary.

* * *

  
Roxanne was not above admitting that she had been maybe perhaps only the tiniest bit slightly nervous about the next kidnapping. It would be the first one since Megamind had crashed tea with Minion and the first time they had actually agreed to anything regarding the weekly interruption of her life. 

Her mind spun with questions. Would he keep to the schedule? Was he going to make it one of the big ones? Would he actually kidnap her now he knew she knew he was coming?

She refused to consider if she was in any way invested in that last one.

She passed the first day humming with a sense of nervous anticipation. On the second, when she heard the hiss-clump of Minion's approach coming towards her from around a corner her breath quickened. Light, shallow breaths to minimise the knockout spray intake and leave her more prepared for the eventual reveal in the lair. 

She couldn't help but start when the steps disappeared as she rounded the corner. She pulled her shoulders down from around her ears and swore under her breath. 

She kept up a grumbling litany of insults for the rest of the day, hoping to annoy a certain blue supervillain out of hiding and get the show on the road. 

By the third day she was the closest she'd been to screaming in years as she headed out of the office for a triple shot long black in the hope it would help her focus.

Next thing she knew, she was bound to the Chair and breathing shallowly to avoid the stale taste of the bag.

* * *

  
"So," Roxanne said conversationally as Megamind finished proclaiming his threats to both her and all of Metro City (blah blah, face me Metro Man or Miss Ritchi and the city gets it, she could do those write-ups in her sleep) and shut off the cameras. "Optical beam of whatsmosis, Carbon dioxide or Excimer?

"That, my dear Miss Ritchi" Megamind leapt out of his chair and pointed at the laser, brandishing an appropriately menacing remote with a large red button, "is the Optical Beam of Incandescent Waste and Nullification! It is not the optical beam of whatsmosis, and nor is it Carbon Dioxide or Excimer" he paused dramatically "This one is fibre-optic!"

"Optical Beam of Incandescent Waste and Nullification" she repeated as if memorising it. This is why she's his favourite kidnapee, the professionalism even in the face of imminent danger. Then she sniggered. "Did you actually name the giant laser Obi Wan?"

"No!"

(yes)

She folded her lips together and tried not to laugh "Uh-huh"

He has an answer to that all lined up. But she's giving him that look again. The vaguely amused smirk that always shorts out his entire brain process and leaves his eloquence scattered on the floor.

"So I was right about the giant laser" she hummed and looked up at the lens of the laser thoughtfully, "What does this one do?"

He'd thought her knowing about the kidnappings might mean she'd just look bored. Instead she looked like she's taking it as more of a challenge.

"Do? Do? Its a giant laser Miss Ritchi! It will carve a fine line of destruction through you and your precious Metrocity!" he gestured a line directly down the centre of where she sat, out towards where the glittering edge of the city lay. 

"I seem to recall a previous last giant laser shattering when you tried to fire it."

"Bah! That was years ago Miss Ritchi! I have made," he leaned forward and tapped the tip of her nose with the remote antenna, "Significant improvements in the intervening years"

Roxanne snapped her teeth at the antenna and he jumped back.

"So its a more elegant weapon for a more civilised age," Her eyes are laughing at him. That's fine. She just quoted Star Wars at him. How can this possibly be anything other than his greatest plan yet?

Roxanne stretched and pushed her shoulders back, the fitted maroon sheath dress she'd picked for today was a new addition to her wardrobe and unfortunately not many boutiques were willing to bring a chair into the change room for someone to practice checking if you're accidentally going to flash half the city because your serial kidnappers don't understand the concept of sitting in a dress. The skirt was bunched underneath her seat and sat somewhat higher than she'd have arranged for herself. She watched green eyes flicker over her movement and opened her mouth before be could raise an eyebrow and start teasing her for dressing the part.

"So did you deliberately pick me up on my way to get coffee or was denying me caffeine part of your evil plan?"

Megamind spun twice in the chair and ended up facing her, slouching lazily over one arm, white grin sharp against the blue lines of his face. "I'm afraid, my dear defiant damsel that your negotiations were only for expected kidnapping days!" he waved her consternation away, "You specified nothing about coffee."

"Here you are Miss Ritchi" Minion hiss-clumped back in and offered a tray with two cups.

Megamind scowled at the interruption, then brightened at the sight of the brushed steel cup, "Minion why are we offering coffee to the hostage?"

"Well Sir, she did make you coffee last week, twice in fact" Minion was radiating innocence so brightly he practically had a halo. He also may have turned up his dome lights just a little. "And it would be rude not to return the favour."

"Evil, Minion" Megamind reminded him.

"Sir, you've always said evil is no excuse for bad manners" Minion grinned and lied through his sharp pointy teeth.

"Could've fooled me" Roxanne muttered eyeing the tray longingly.

Well that does it. Fair's fair after all.

Contrary to what Megamind and Minion wanted most of Metrocity to know (underworld not withstanding), Minion was not a stupid fish. For Miss Ritchi to not only find out and exploit his weakness for colour coordinated stationary and to talk him into making these arrangements for over half a year with nothing to indicate anything had changed in their interactions? That was truly diabolical. And for having the planned abduction still be fun? Brilliant.

Megamind kicked off on the Ee-vil Chair and spun around the target painted on the floor around Miss Ritchi. He snatched the loop of rope holding her bound wrists to the chair as he sped past and the knot jerked free. He wound up back where he started, feet propped on the control panel and snapped his fingers for one of the bots to undo the lock on the leather cuffs. 

Before any of the bots got close, Roxanne wriggled her shoulders and leaned forward, arching her shoulders to bring her arms up behind then over her head and down into her lap with a sinuous twist. The hem of her dress rode a little higher.

Megamind stared. "Ah?" he said eloquently.

"Oh very clever Miss Ritchi!" Minion congratulated, "The yoga must be paying off."

She grinned up at the fish, the short slack of chain between her cuffed wrists coiling in her lap, she tugged her hem back down to a more appropriate length. "Thanks, it has been." Then she reached out and picked up the steel cup, taking a sip before Minion or Megamind could warn her. "Oh what is that?" she shuddered "Pure condensed milk?!"

"That is Vietnamese coffee Miss Ritchi and it is a _con-no-sewers_ delight" Megamind half slid off his chair snatched the cup from her hands, cradling it possessively.

"It tastes like unicorn vomit," Roxanne made a face like a cat yawning, all teeth and tongue. "How do you drink that?"

"You clearly have no appreciation for the sweeter things in life!" Megamind accused, draining his coffee in one swallow and feeling his brain fizz at the sudden hit of sucrose and caffeine.

"Must be that I'm sweet enough already" she replied sarcastically. 

"You are a great many things Miss Ritchi. Sharp as obsidian or infuriatingly fearless perhaps. But I would never categorise you as sweet." 

Something like triumph flashed in her eyes.

"My apologies, Miss Ritchi, that one is yours" Minion offered the tray again with the plain black cup. Roxanne accepted the mug and took a cautious sip, then brightened,

"Thanks Minion," she smiled "You're my favourite." 

The henchfish beamed and took the tray back to the kitchen.

Megamind boggled "You-wha? The henchman cant be your favourite!" 

"Minion makes coffee" retorted Roxanne with every indication of relishing her cup.

"And I make magnificent devices of genius and villainy!" 

Roxanne sipped and hummed happily, "Allow me to clarify, Minion makes coffee for me"

"If you accept my offer of Evil Queen I'll make you any device your heart desires."

"Mm," Roxanne rapped her fingers agains the mug and shook her head, "Too conditional, that's why Minion is still my favourite."

"Tch!" Megamind tossed his mug in the air and an excited 22461 _bowged_ and raced to catch it. "Take that back to Minion, 22461."

_Bowg!_

The bot zipped past to Roxanne and held out a claw pleadingly. She blinked and quickly gulped the rest of her coffee and held out her mug, "Thank you 224-" she frowned "six?" she looked at Megamind questioningly.

"One," he supplied.

"Thank you 22461," she smiled, the brain-bot zipped away, mugs in tow.

An alert pinged on the control desk, "It looks like we'll be expecting a guest soon Miss Ritchi, i suggest you prepare yourself for the downfall of your precious hero."

"Oh sure, I'll just visit the powder room and freshen up shall I?"

"Arms back, Miss Ritchi,"

Roxanne lifted her arms then paused, "Um..."

His feet dropped to the floor, "Really Miss Ritchi?"

She gave him a nervous grin and offered her bound hands "Help?"

"And what would you do if I said no, Miss Ritchi?"

"Tapdance very fast to avoid discussing continuity errors?"

He sighed and grabbed at the loop of chain swinging between her wrists, unlocking the carabiner that kept them bound together. "Such trouble." he slid behind her and retied her hands at the back of the chair. She turned her head to look at him over her shoulder "You'd be bored if I just sat here and cried, and you know it."

"Hm," he have the chain one last tug to check the tension, her back arched against the chair. "I have to admit Miss Ritchi, I didn't expect you knowing when to expect me would actually extend how entertaining today was going to be." He pushed back and leaned on the arm of his chair watching as she tested her range of movement. "Especially when you jumped yesterday."

"That was not funny," she said sternly, settling back in her seat, "I hope Minion yelled at you for your blatant abuse of our agreed schedule."

"I'm not the one who taught the brain-bots all those delightfully obscene new words they've been using Miss Ritchi. I'm not taking all the blame."

Whatever Roxanne was going to say in response was lost as Metro Man crashed in through the skylight. He posed heroically long enough for the cameras to flash back on and the battle was on

* * *

Megamind maintained several theories about how Metro Man may in fact be able to actively inhabit a further dimension, he can certainly see at least one more than normal. It made getting punched a deeply uncomfortable experience.

Like right now, when the over-muscled idiot threw him towards a wall and he had to twist and spin mid air. Only to catch a shoulder to the gut that punched the air from his lungs. He bounced back up and leapt towards the control panel. Metro Man yanked him backwards and sent him flying again, the momentum rocked the superhero back against Roxanne and the movement shoved the chair three feet to the left. 

Outside the target painted on the floor.

Fuck

She's outside the safe zone. The diversion shield in the chair is probably no longer properly calibrated and now he cant call any of the deathtraps to distract Metro Moron because he can no longer guarantee accuracy.

He dodged the next few hits, then an elbow smacked into his shoulder and the laser remote flew out of his hands.

The remote skidded and came to a stop just outside the painted target. Megamind threw himself across the room, scraping along the floor, long fingers reaching to clutch at the remote just as the tip of a low heeled wedge came to rest on the big red laser operating button.   
The shoe encased a foot, which was attached to an ankle, to a calf, to a knee, to a thigh and _nope_ straight up higher, higher to the amused look on Miss Ritchi's face as she glanced at the painted target Megamind was half sprawled in.

Directly under the Optical Beam of Incandescent Waste and Nullification

Miss Ritchi raised an eyebrow at him

"Help me Obi Wan Kenobi," her toe pressed down on the big red button and she _smirked_ "You're my only hope."

The laser hummed, the dial set into the side read Power 20% Warming. Roxanne's face dropped into outrage, "Oh come on! That was going to be perfect!" She glared down at him "I cant believe you laser-blocked me!"

She was...

That was...

"Miss Ritchi that was incredibly dangerous!" (And attractive. And lets not forget hot. That was in fact the single most erotic thing he had ever seen in his life. A big brain equals a big imagination but she'd just left every daydream in the dust).

The laser ticked up to 50%

"For you!" she shot back.

"And what if the blast radius was larger than three centimetres?

"Is it?" She looked up at the weapon curiously.

"That's not the point!"

Warm up at 80%

"Augh!"

"I don't appreciate your callous disregard for proper scientific precautions Miss Ritchi! You're not even wearing safety glasses!"

Metro Man had to yank him out of the line of fire by the collar as the blue light of the laser scorched a line through the polished concrete floor. "Ack! By the arm you lumbering idiot!" Metro Man sliced through the gleaming steel of the laser with a flash of red eyes. The beam cut out and a large chunk of the mechanism dropped to the floor with a dull clang. 

"That's one ray that wont be shining any longer" the superhero proclaimed proudly.

Ugh. Is that the best he could come up with? It wasn't even a ray. 

The incomprehensible idiot in question snatched the remote from the floor under Miss Ritchi's foot. It shattered it in his fist.

Megamind's outraged squawk was matched by Miss Ritchi's.

"Hey!"

"Wayne!"

"Why would you do that Roxie?" Metro Man asked as if she'd just taken the last cookie and not just fired a several thousand kilowatt laser. 

What a stupid question. Big red button. Shiny laser. Did the moron really need instructions?

"That was mine!" she responded glaring at his hand

It was not. That was his remote thank you very much. Or it had been. He'd make her a separate one. If she wanted. Though the laser was now as defunct as the original remote.

"What did you even want with that thing?" Metro Mahn demanded.

"Souvenir" Miss Ritchi pouted. Metro Man did not relent, which was an entirely awful decision to stand by when Miss Ritchi was looking so very sad with her lip pushed out and blinking up at him pleadingly.

All the more evidence that Metro Man is a moron who doesn't even appreciate the good things in life and give Miss Ritchi everything she desires in life like Optical Beam of Incandescent Waste and Nullification controllers or a swarm of brain-bots or an entire city.

Metro Man hovered sternly, Megamind held aloft like a disgruntled kitten. "No Roxie. No more souvenirs. No more ' _it just fell into my purse, how did that get in there?_ ' or ' _I just wanted to see how it works_ '. I don't want to see you anywhere near any of his technology" He fisted one hand on his hip (someone had evidently been rereading the old superman comics lately) and radiated patriarchal disapproval at her. "And don't think I wont check your purse either."

Wow

Rude

"You know Miss Ritchi, Evil Queen does come with inviolable personal effects boundaries" Megamind offered. Metroman glared, then tossed him lightly to grab and swing him by the cape, "Ow! Come on!"

Miss Ritchi rolled her eyes, "I promise not to steal any more souvenirs from kidnappings." she paused "But I'm not giving up anything that's already mine"

Oh clever. She can keep the phone that way. 

Wait. What what else does she already have?

Is this because he discontinued the frequent kidnapping card?

Dragging Megamind in his wake, Metro Man flew across the room and scooped up Roxanne's purse. The zip was open and the black glass of her phone fell out and bounced on the floor.

"Wayne!" she yelled.

"Sorry!" he zipped back and picked it up, turning it over in his hand, "Its fine! I think? What is this?"

"Its my phone," Miss Ritchi blew her hair out of her eyes impatiently, "Are you gong to get me out of this chair or what?"

"What happened to your old one?"

"Imploding scarabs" Megamind and Roxanne chorused

"I thought your telephone company told you no more phones."

"They did, its not one of theirs. I got another one"

"Why didn't you ask me? I could have gotten you one. There's boxes of them at home."

That is an excellent question. Why hadn't he helped her out already?

"Because Scott Industry cameras suck, Wayne"

Oh what an even better answer.

"They do not!" Metro Man looked offended, "I've never had a bad photo taken with one"

"Well not all of us can have photogenesis as a superpower."

Of course its a superpower. What else was he expecting.

Metro Man was still frowning at the case, "Why does this look familiar?..." he trailed off and his eyes flashed white with x-ray vision. His head snapped up and he glared down at Megamind, "You made this!"

Still dangling by the cape ten feet above the floor, Megamind rolled his eyes "What? Like its hard?"

From his left he heard Miss Ritchi stifling a giggle and grinned triumphantly.

Metro Man was still frowning. "Did he trick you into accepting this?" he asked.

"It was a gift Wayne." she huffed, "And repayment for destroying the last one. Something that between the two of you, he's actually ahead on."

"Aww Roxie-" 

"Don't you aww Roxie me."

Metro Man still didn't look happy, "How many spying accessories does this thing have?"

"None!"

"Seventeen" Megamind shrugged

"What?!" Roxanne shrieked.

"Not that kind!"

Metro Man dropped Megamind and seized him by the shoulder as he tried to duck away, His hand was like a vice, pressing Megamind into the concrete floor, glaring. "The spying apps are for her work!" he flailed in the journalist's direction.

"They are?" She sounded surprised.

"You're a reporter Miss Ritchi! Of course I added sneaky spying tools!"

"Oh!" she looked faintly pink, "Thank you."

Metro Man still didn't look happy as he yanked Megamind back up by the cape again, "I don't think that's appropriate." 

"We don't all get super-hearing Wayne" Roxanne rolled her eyes.

"I would never use my powers for something like that!"

"I know and it is a crime against journalism"

Metro Man glared red and held up the phone "I'm putting an end to this."

"Wayne Emerson Scott!" Metro Man actually jumped. Dangling by his cape, Megamind jerked in the air in sympathy.

"The phone is mine," Roxanne snapped, "It is staying mine, and if you try to damage it or so much as breathe another word about it I will tell Lady Scott what actually happened to her hydrangea garden."

Metro Man drooped, abashed. Megamind twisted and managed to plant a foot on Megamind's leg to twist himself around so he could finally see Roxanne's face again, "You are lovely when you're blackmailing people, Miss Ritchi."

She gave him a smug look, "I know."

Metro Man kicked his leg loose and Megamind spun around again. "I want it on record that I don't approve of this." the hyperbroad alien droned.

"On record? No one cares" Megamind folded his arms and made a decent attempt at tapping his foot impatiently mid air, "Are we done now?"

"Yes." Roxanne stated, "Seriously get me out of here, I'm getting a crick in my neck talking to you two up there."

"Sorry Roxie," Metro Man flew down and pulled loose the ropes around Roxanne.

"Finally!" She stood and stretched. Metroman offered her a hand. she scooped her bag back from under his arm first and accepted his hand to hop up and perch on on the shoulder opposite Megamind, gripping his hair for balance

"Roxie, watch the hair" 

"Oh as if my puny hands are going to do anything."

Megamind resigned himself to being flown back across Metrocity by his cape.

Still hadn't defeated Metro Man, but between yesterdays entertainment and actually seeing Miss Ritchi use one of his creations (even if it had been aimed at him at the time) he felt like today had gone rather well all things considered.

Scheduled kidnappings...he should get Minion a new set of cake pans or something as a thank you. 

* * *

"I still don't know about this..." Metro Man sighed as they flew across the lake towards the police station at Metro City Square

"Leave it Wayne" Miss Ritchi growled

"But"

"Nope"

"Roxie-"

"Seriously just call it keeping things where you can keep an eye on them or something"

Metro Man's shoulders slumped. "Fine."

She is so delightfully bossy.

"Good, now aim for the KCMP van, I need to grab my gear"

And that would be his cue to disappear. He whistled a subvocal command and twisted the clip that held his mantle together, dropping immediately to be cause by a troupe of brain-bots below and disappeared from view.  
\-------------  
"I think you dropped something" Roxanne said mildly.

Metro Man sighed and slowed down, bundling the cape up under his arm away from Roxanne's grabby fingers. "What's actually going on" he asked "You two are being weirder than normal."

Roxanne's finger bounced off his head as she poked him "We are not." he tilted his head up and gave her his Metro Man is Mildly Disappointed look. She swatted his head, "Don't give me that look, that look is for jaywalkers and people who let their cats roam outside."

"Ro-oxie..."

"Wa-ayne" she mimicked.

"If I do some loop-de-loops around the lake will you tell me?"

She giggled, "You know the way to a reporter's heart Mister Scott" then yelped as they rocketed straight upwards.

They flew a couple of loops, Roxanne holding tight to his arm and hair as she laughed delightedly. Wayne slowed down again and she sighed "Look, I told you Minion and I were coordinating our schedules right? So I could get Marnie's wedding off?"

"That's still very weird."

"Don't knock it til you try it."

"Ugh, planning. You sound like Mother."

"Well someone figured it out and tripped through my balcony trying to" she released his hair to make air quotes "Save Minion from my wily reporterly clutches""

Wayne laughed, holding onto her legs, "Seriously?" 

Roxanne cackled, "Oh my god it was the funniest thing, he tripped on something and dehydrated my pen mug on his way in. I thought he was going to throw himself back out the window and try for a do-over"

"So what happened?"

"I yelled at him for a while, then I banished him to the couch and told him if he behaved I wouldn't have you pick me up straight after I screamed next time he kidnapped me."

"Roxie! That's supposed to be for real emergencies!"

"Well he doesn't know that!"

They flew silently for a while

"So...what, you guys are friends now?"

Roxanne shrugged "I dunno. Colleagues maybe? I've known him nearly as long as I've known you. Did you know he's never read Pratchett?"

"You let him read your books?" she missed the disbelief in his voice.

"I thought he'd read everything" she mused, holding onto his hair again.

Metro Man slowed down, hoping the world would make more sense when less of it was rushing by. "So let me get this straight, you let him hang out on your couch while you and Minion plotted your weekly kidnapping?"

"Pretty much, I got him to agree to giving me the week of the wedding off as well."

"And you didn't think to call me?"

Roxanne gave him a puzzled look, "What for?"

"And he gave you a phone"

She paused, "I may have yelled at him about that."

"You guilt tripped a class five genius super-villain into making you a personal phone?" Wayne was shocked. "Scott Industries has been trying to reverse engineer some of his tech for years and he just hands it to you."

"In my defence, I only thought I could get him to fix the screen for me. I wasn't expecting him to actually make me a replacement." She gripped her purse, "I cant wait to find all those spying apps," she grinned gleefully.

"Roxie I don't know if I like this"

"Well that's too bad"

"He's dangerous!"

"Oh please!"

"He is!"

"Well what do you want me to do Wayne? It's not like he's going to stop." She huffed a sigh, "At least this way he acknowledges that I'm a real person with my own life and his schemes do have an impact on me."

"Are we walking about the phone or the scheduling?"

"Both I guess."

"And I cant talk you out of the planning either."

"Wayne if you try and interrupt Tea with Topsy I will have Megamind kidnap me from the next Scott party with maximum explosions."

"Okay, okay fine, its just" Wayne looked frustrated, "People worry about you."

"I can handle myself. Minion backed me up anyway."

"Oh good you have a talking fish on your side."

"Don't be mean Wayne, Minion's lovely. And he made me macarons. And he's the reason you never have to rescue me in a towel."

"I do appreciate that."

"Oh believe me so do I."

They made one more slow lap around the lake, ostensibly looking for signs of Megamind who was already tucked safely back in the lair with Minion.

"So, were they good?" Wayne asked eventually.

"What?"

"The macarons."

"Fantastic. You want me to ask for the recipe?"

"No its fine." he sighed, "Just promise me you'll be careful, no more asking for tech and for flying's sake stop teasing him!"

"Ugh, boring"

He sighed, "Can we go down now?" he asked plaintively.

"Yeah okay," Roxanne straightened and ran her fingers through her windblown hair "Round two, let's go."

They landed in the centre of the square to thunderous applause. Roxanne slipped down and shook herself into order as Wayne started his post rescue spiel.

"...of course, and I have to thank you, brave citizens of Metro City, for not giving in to Evil's demands!" Metro Man winked and smiled at the cameras.  
A KCMP newsvan screeched up beside them. Hal jumped out smearing cheeto dust on his t-shirt, "Roxxo you're safe!" he cried, "I was totally ready to just start bustin' up the streets and rescue you like ba-chow!" he made a karate chop in front of her face just as she tried to put her purse in the van. Roxanne gritted her teeth.

"Get the camera Hal"

"Yeah sure Roxem-Soxem"

Roxanne huffed, straightened her clothes, grabbed a microphone and went to work. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vietnamese coffee is a gift from the gods and it will fuck you up if you're not careful.  
> I know I have this tagged as Metro Man is a himbo, but he's really more the big brother Roxanne never had


	6. Post Kidnapping Routines

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne chills out in comfy pjs and starts a new post kidnapping habit. She also makes really bad puns

_**“The wages of sin is death but so is the salary of virtue, and at least the evil get to go home early on Fridays.”** _   
_**― Terry Pratchett, Witches Abroad** _

"Trust me Marnie I'm fine. It was nothing out of the ordinary," Roxanne repeated. On the other end of the line her baby sister sighed, "I know, I just wanted to check in." A voice echoed in the background, "Joy says hi"

"Hi Joy" Roxanne called, "I'm fine, Marnie. I know you have the early shift tomorrow, go to bed young lady."

"Yes Mother dear"

"Eurgh!" 

Marnie laughed and hung up. Roxanne rolled her eyes and tossed the phone back down beside her on the couch.

Her post kidnapping routine tended towards one of two options. Either a run (its really more of a power walk) through the park near her apartment, or a bath bomb and comfy pyjamas. Alternatively on the very rare occasions she gets back in time, a drink at the office with whoever was still around. 

She used to go out on the town and celebrate feeling alive but the shine had worn off that early on once she realised she was rarely in any actual danger, and people always wanted to talk to her about how scared she was or ask why Metro Man wasn't taking her out. 

It was one of the reasons she missed having Marnie and Joy close by, no one ever questioned going out with family. But a three hour round trip was a long way to ask someone to drive for what was essentially a bad day at the office. 

Sadly post kidnapping hook-ups were completely out of the question when the whole city assumed she was dating the resident hero. Marnie, the brat, had gotten her a cheap sex toy subscription one year for her birthday as a joke. That had been funny. And occasionally useful. Until Roxanne realised she'd spent more on batteries than on actual dates. At which point she had given up and invested in a better class of vibrator.

Honestly. The sacrifices she made for this city.

So tonight was a comfy pyjamas and Netflix kind of night, because apparently even with sunglasses and hat her running gear was too recognisable and she kept getting stopped on the street. Which would be fine but ugh, she'd been chained to a chair for three hours today, she needed to _move_. Instead she's flopped on the couch with her laptop adding the final touches to tomorrows' report, her copy of Witches Abroad waiting beside her. 

Roxanne skimmed her article one more time. She's supposed to be impartial, for all that no one would expect her to state anything other than in Wayne's favour. But she's a reporter first. Its the career she chose and she'll be damned if getting dragged into the middle of the city's biggest game of slapfight means she'll do a less than stellar job.

Still, she can fit one tiny Star Wars reference in right? Fully armed and operational battle laser? That definitely was not fired at Metro City.

Fuck that had been fun. _Oh the look on his face!_

Her lovely new phone pinged. Oh great. That would be Great Aunt Helen with the When-will-you-stop-being-a-disgrace-to-this-family guilt trip. Roxanne paused Grand Designs and closed and tucked her laptop under the couch. Then she stretched out on her stomach to press her phone into her forehead, mentally preparing herself. She opened the message.

_I don't suppose your meathead boyfriend let you add my mantle to your apparent souvenir collection?_

Roxanne blinked at the screen. Okay one, that was meant to be a secret (thanks Wayne!) and two, as if she'd ever give one of those capes back if she got her hands on it.

 _Tough luck_ she sent back. There. That should keep him guessing. Then, because she's nosy and bored and inexplicably relieved she's not having to talk to Great Aunt Helen yet, _What kind of coffee does Minion use?_

_Ask him yourself cape thief_

_He doesn't respond to my messages_

_As well he shouldn't. Fraternising with the enemy_

Well that's rude. Minion's a sweetheart. Hes always polite and she'd gotten very fond of him over the last seven months as she got to know him outside the kidnappings. She glared at the blue dot on the screen and hit dial.

"Why don't you let Minion text me?" she demanded when the phone picked up.

"Well for a start Miss Ritchi," Megamind began, "He's my henchfish and you're the damsel."

"One, I'm not a formally endorsed damsel and you know it." Roxanne argued, "And two, Minion is his own person. He should be allowed to message me if he wants to."

"I- oh no Miss Ritchi," Megamind sounded startled, "Minion can text anybody, he has an adaptive program in his suit, he simply dislikes using it." 

"Oh." Well now she felt stupid. "You couldn't make him a speech to text program?" she rolled over until she was facing the ceiling and propped a hand under her head.

"I could," her serial kidnapper replied, brewing argument seemingly already forgotten, "Its not a matter of convenience, Pirrh physical language is an integral part of communication. Besides, he said no when I offered."

That is more information about Minion than she'd managed to learn in seven years. "I'm surprised you're telling me this."

"Well he told you one of my secrets so fair's fair." 

"Secrets?" Right, the gills thing.

"Don't be coy Miss Ritchi."

"Don't you be koi, Megamind, oh wait!"

He sighed deeply, "I'm sure you think you're funny"

"Oh I know I'm hilarious" Roxanne swung one foot off the couch and grinned.

"Hmph. Of course you understand if you breathe a word of either matter to anyone I will have you silenced." 

Huh. That sounded understated enough to be an actual threat.

"I wont say anything." she agreed with a shrug, "Will you be fixing the laser?" Please be fixing the laser, the siren song of the big red button still called to her.

"I doubt it." Megamind said disappointingly, "It took a battering when it hit the floor. I might let the bots pull it apart for fun."

"Aww, poor OBIWaN, its not going to become more powerful than you could possibly imagine?" Firing that thing had been fun. She wanted to do it again.

"It's unbearably tempting Miss Ritchi. Sadly its more melted slag than machine at this point."

"That's a pity"

"I know!" She could picture the exaggerated gestures he'd be making, seated at the control desk.

"You didn't even get to use it either," she cant help the smug grin in her voice. He growled in her ear, she giggled.

"Tell me Miss Ritchi" he purred, "Was control of a giant laser enough to tempt you to the dark side?"

Don't answer that.

"We-ell" she drew the word out thoughtfully "It could have been," Was that a gasp she heard? "But the wait was just..." she gave a breathy sigh " _Interminable_."

There was a choking sound on the other end, Roxanne grinned. God he's so easy to rile up. 

"Oh but Miss Ritchi what have I told you about anticipation?" Ooh the growly thing. The growly thing was always fun.

"That its got nothing on instant gratification?" she suggested brightly.

"Tch, speaking of gratification, where is my mantle?"

"No idea. I don't have it." she shrugged.

"Damn," there was a sound of keys clacking and a rush of _bowgs_ , "Well it will give some of the bots something to do to hunt it down."

"You can't replace it?"

"Oh making a new set is easy. But I'd rather not leave my personal possessions in Scott Industries hands."

"How do you know that's where they wound up?"

"Because that's what happens to any of my tech that Metro Moron flies off with. Haven't you noticed the knockoff AI assistant they've been trying to peddle?"

"I don't think terrible fashion sense can be marketed"

"Terrib- Miss Ritchi really!"

She laughed, "Hang on I'll find out," she pulled the phone away from her ear and tapped out a message to Wayne.

_Can has cape?_

"Well?" Megamind demanded.

"Patience is a virtue," she sang.

"What happened to instant gratification?"

Roxanne's phone buzzed, she opened the message to see a photo of a small pile of ash with a single spike jauntily perched on top.

"Its ashes." she informed Megamind.

"How do you know?"

"Wait for it," she forwarded the message, adding a sad face drawn over the pile of ash. A startled laugh came down the line.

"Is that how you celebrate your defeat of Evil together Miss Ritchi? Pyrotech-neeks?"

"You'd have to ask Wayne. I celebrate with bathbombs."

"Home explosives, even better. Though I'm surprised you're not out soaking up the delights of the side of good triumphing once again".

"Meh. I think Wayne's having dinner with his folks, and some of us have work in the morning."

"Work. What a dismal concept."

"Yeah well" Roxanne stretched "My days of crawling home at five am and bouncing into work at nine are long gone. And I still have to finish my report for tomorrow."

"I suppose there wont be any mention of the fact that the laser was fired in an incredibly dangerous manner without proper regard for safety precautions?" 

She grinned, "Dangerous shmangerous, I was nowhere near the target."

"You absolutely were! And more to the point I was still inside it!"

"Oh come on, I'd have scorched your cape at best. Which would be fair payback for all the shoes and clothes you've cost me over the years."

"What, your damsel insurance doesn't cover damaged personal effects?"

"Technically not a damsel," she reminded him, then rolled her eyes "I'm not eligible."

"Not? Oh of course. The conflict of interest with your work."

"Mm-hmm. Who'd have thought Good had a media bias?" She wasn't bitter that she had to choose between her career and damsel cover, not at all.

"Well as always Miss Ritchi," Megamind said helpfully "The position of Evil Queen comes with numerous perks and benefits"

"And you." 

"Oh I'm at the very top of the list."

"Yeah of the cons" 

He laughed, "I'll even build you another laser for you to fail to mention firing."

"I'll have you know my report is entirely factual. The fact that the laser was fired without correct protective gear worn by the parties present is clearly the mark of an evil mind."

"And does your report state who fired the laser, and who it was aimed at?" 

Roxanne bit her lip, "Well my report does confirm it wasn't aimed at the city..." she grinned.

"Sneaky reporter." he accused without any malice.

Roxanne sat up, "Ooh, speaking of sneaky reporting, where are the rest of these apps you made me?"

"How many have you found?"

"Thirteen,"

"Oh but you're doing so well already Miss Ritchi, I'd hate to spoil the surprise."

"Can I have a hint?"

"No" smugness echoed down the line.

"Since when do you not want to brag about your great and marvee-llous creations?"

He laughed, it wasn't the evil bombastic laugh she was used to, more of a low amused chuckle, "You're a clever reporter Miss Ritchi, I'm sure you can figure it out."

He hung up before she could answer.

Roxanne looked at her phone and grinned a little. She deleted the message from Great Aunt Helen without reading it. Then she hooked her feet over the edge of the couch and opened Witches Abroad. The rest of the report could wait until tomorrow.

* * *

Across town in the Evil Lair...

Megamind put his head down on the desk and closed his eyes. Bathbombs. He's never going to get that image out of his head.

(Its fine. You're an incredibly handsome genius supervillain you can handle a basic conversation with the damsel. Unofficial damsel. Whatever.)

He'd been half asleep for their last call. It hadn't even occurred to him to hang up once he realised she hadn't actually gotten herself arrested. And tonight she'd sounded ready to tear him apart for not letting Minion talk to her.

How does he keep winding up in these situations?

It has to be her wily reporter skills. How else would it be so easy for him to talk to her without the threat of impending doom?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Unofficial Damsel status is going to be an ongoing part of this fic. Assuming most major have some form of formally acknowledged resident Hero/villain duo, it stands to reason there would be an officially recognised Damsel as well.
> 
> However a damsel can't really be seen to be impartial, which for Roxanne Ritchi, investigative journalist, is a bit of an issue, so she inhabits more of a grey area than your average damsel would.


	7. Missed opportunities all round

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne gets lunch, and misses out being on a pirate ship

_**“You’re not going to kill anyone, are you?”** _   
_**“Miss, we don’t do that sort of thing!”** _   
_**Sacharissa looked a little disappointed. She’d been a respectable young woman for some time. In certain people, that means there’s a lot of dammed-up disreputability just waiting to burst out.  
\- Terry Pratchett, The Truth** _

  
Roxanne spent the next six kidnapping free days delightedly doing things like getting her groceries and picking up her dry cleaning without having to worry about waking up with a bag over her head.

"Hey Yumi," shee waved her coworker happily down as the meteorologist walked past her desk. 

"Hey Roxanne" Yumi glanced past Roxanne's desk in confusion then smiled.

"Lunch?"

"Um sure!" Yumi leant on the side of Roxanne's cubicle and pulled her wallet from her purse "I think its comfort food day in the cafe"

"How about Hop Kee? Monday special?" Roxanne cajoled, dangling temptation.

"Ooh" Yumi looked intrigued, "Are you getting it delivered?"

"Its a nice day, I thought I'd walk?"

Her coworker hesitated, "I'm meant to be starting a diet..."

"Oh okay." Roxanne shrugged, "Meet you in the courtyard then?"

The small courtyard in the centre of the KCMP building was a sparse garden with a few scattered tables. It wasn't much but it did get the midday sun.

"It's pretty bright today," Yumi demurred "Are you wearing sunscreen?"

"Oh I can get Hop Kee with you Roxie!" from his position lurking behind a bedraggled pot-plant, Hal leaned past Yumi over her desk, "My treat!"

"Its fine Hal, I'm going to get lunch with Yumi"

"Well I'll save you a table then! Courtyard right?" Hal smacked his hand down on Roxanne's desk and knocked her water bottle into her chest, splashing water onto her shoulder.

"Ugh! Hal!" Roxanne pulled her shirt away from her damp chest and dabbed ineffectually with the handful of tissues Yumi passed her.

"Wow geez! You're shirt's like totally see-thru!" Hal said loudly, "We should definitely get you out in the sun to dry it out!"  
Yumi, sweet lovely wonderful Yumi blocked Hal's view and wrapped Roxanne's spare cardigan from the back of her chair over her shoulders "Why don't you go get lunch Hal?" she said coolly. Roxanne glared and tugged the cardigan closed.

Hal took the hint and scampered. Roxanne and Yumi shared a look.

"He's better than getting kidnapped at least" Yumi murmured

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "At least in the kidnappings I never have to worry about sitting in a puddle of spilled Mountain Dew."

Yumi looked at her like she was crazy, "Come on, let's go see what's in the cafe," she led the way downstairs and took a table inside. 

Roxanne thought longingly of Hop Kee's Kung Pao Chicken. None of the options looked very appealing so she picked up a premade sandwich while Yumi tucked into a bowl of tuna pasta bake with every indication of abandoning her proposed diet.

"Look on the bright side," Yumi said cheerfully, "At least you wont be kidnapped with a wet shirt if you're inside?"

"Oh being inside wouldn't stop Megamind if he's really keen," Roxanne shrugged looking down at her mediocre lunch, missing the slightly hunted look that flashed over Yumi's face, "So how was the new skate park?"

"Oh it was so fun!" Yumi brightened, "There's a tunnel painted with Metro Man that looks like you're skating along his laser eyes,"

Roxanne let the chatter wash over her and bit into her disappointing sandwich, staring regretfully at the bright sun shining in the courtyard.

* * *

Two days later Roxanne was dangling five feet above above the alligator pit, twisting slowly in the Chair. The timer above her head was counting down the minutes until she was finally lowered down into the waiting mouths of the reptiles below. 

Physically she was in great and terrible danger unless Metro Man arrived in time to save her, abandoning the desperate people of Metro City to the bombs hidden all over town...

Mentally she was reviewing her shopping list.

Chicken...tonic water...bananas...

Off to her left Megamind was leaping about in front of the cameras, trading banter with Wayne's chin that was taking up two thirds of the monitors. Seriously, she'd told him so many times, eyes on the lens and drop your head at the end of the line, not shove your whole face at the camera. He's lucky he's so photogenic.

Cheese...deodorant...was she out of tomatoes?

Would Minion let her dictate her shopping list if she asked him nicely? She hadn't seen him since the bag was whipped off her head and she was hoisted into place. She was bound arms, shoulders, waist, knees and ankles so well she could have probably taken a nap in perfect safety if she wanted. Her ankles were the only things not actually tied to the chair, so she could at least point her toes and keep the blood from rushing entirely to her feet. 

The alligators were still lying in their pit eyeing her flats hungrily. Roxanne had lost four individual shoes over the last year alone. She'd reached the point where it was easier to buy the same pair three times over with the expectation she'd get only get to keep one. Statistically (she'd sat in front of her wardrobe one dull Saturday and worked it out) she lost the left one more often than the right so if she has to sacrifice one today she knows which side she's discarding. Except these are the brown ones and she just finished breaking them in. She really doesn't want a new set of blisters from breaking the next pair in.

Around her, the camera-bots switched off their recording lights and flew back down to nestle in the small hive shaped charging station on the floor. She wasn't sure why he still broadcast her face when she never even looked afraid but hey, ratings are ratings.

Hmm, maybe if she kicked her legs out she could swing a little, see if she cant kick her shoes off outside of the pit. 

Unseen by the pair bantering in front of the remaining cameras, Roxanne wriggled herself a little straighter and flung her toes forward. The Chair rocked. Encouraged, she did it again.

This time it swayed.

Heh

Whee

The alligators looked up. They were very well trained reptiles. They knew when the chair was above them it meant snap and snarl and there would be fresh meat later as long as there was no biting.

They also knew that wavy toys above the pit were supposed to be for biting.

Roxanne was wearing a long swishy green skirt that floated around her ankles.

 _Ah_ , thought the crocodiles, _enrichment time..._

* * *

  
Megamind was extolling the deadly power of his ruinous plan to Metro Meathead's oversized chin when something hit him in the shoulder. He blinked, Minion was supposed to be keeping the brain-bots out of the control room, one of them must have gotten away from the swarm and brought him a toy. No matter, he shifted his cloak to kick the whatever it was away and glanced down. 

A shoe?

Specifically Miss Ritchi's shoe.

"Sorry!" the impertinent damsel in question sang as she spun above the alligator pit, "Oh good jumping Jeremy, nearly had me!"

There was a clatter and the matching brown flat went flying across to the other side of the lair. Prehistoric jaws snapped at bare toes, "Come on Lord Snappington," she called "I believe in you."

"I'm... gonna call you right back" Megamind cut the camera feed on Moron Man's stupid face and sprinted for the pit, reaching out one hand to grab the leg of the chair as Roxanne swung past. The weight dragged him forwards almost to the edge of the pit until he dug his heels in and dragged her back.

"Hey let me go!" she said brightly, "I want to see if I can swing over the whole pit!"

"Absolutely not." Megamind snarled, hitting the button that closed the heavy plexiglass window over the enclosure, "Precisely what do you think you're doing Miss Ritchi?"

"Hey I was just having fun," she rolled her eyes.

Fun

Fun?!

She's in mortal peril dangling over an alligator pit teasing four prehistoric killing machines and she calls it fun.

Roxanne leaned back to look down into the pit, "Should have jumped while you had the chance Lord Snappington." Heavy jaws opened wide in response.

A low growl echoed up and she looked back at Megamind, the noise stopped. 

"Sorry did I throw off your monologue?" she asked.

"Miss Ritchi I will drop you into this pit."

"Was that not the plan already?" she craned her neck, "Did you see where my other shoe went?"

(She is impossible)

"What have I told you about bare feet in the Lair?" he growled through gritted teeth.

"That its completely immaterial because I'm never getting out of this Chair?"

"Will you please behave like a proper damsel?"

"Probably not." Roxanne rubbed her feet together under her skirt, green eyes glared up at her, "My foot was itchy!" she defended.

"You are about to be sacrificed by the golden child of Metrocity as he chooses the city over your life Miss Ritchi," He hissed. "You could practise a little decorum."

"I could," she she tucked her lower lip behind her teeth, "But I wont."

"Why are you misbehaving so badly?"

"You turned the cameras off." she said as though it should be obvious.

"And that gives you leave to be reckless?"

She shrugged and he grabbed another leg of the chair to stabilise her, "I've got at least three hours of work after this, I might as well" she grinned, " _hang_ out while I can."

(Absolutely impossible)

"More puns Miss Ritchi?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Me?" she gave him an amused smirk, "I wasn't the one telling Metro Man where the explosives are hidden."

"Oh?" Of course she's already figured it out, she is too clever by far "And where are they then?"

"Bombs are in the clocktowers at the Central Post Office, City Hall and the Magistrates Court" Roxanne said promptly, she gave him an arch look, "You're running out of time before Miss Ritchi is reporting post-hum-ously?" 

He jerked the Chair and she yelped as she dropped a foot lower, "You may have figured it out, but I notice you failed to inform Metro City's finest defender" he snapped.

She shrugged "Will you be fighting on a pirate ship later?" she asked 

"Why would there be a pirate ship?" he demanded, confused by the non sequitur.

She blinked, "The alligators? Tick-tock tick-tock? Is this not a Peter Pan thing?"

"No!"

"Damn," she sighed, "I had so many ideas for headlines"

"You shouldn't be extrapolating on unproven data Miss Ritchi," he growled, "Minion find out how far away the great flying idiot is."

"Aye aye Captain Hook. Sir" Minion saluted from behind a bank of tesla coils

"You need to untie me," Roxanne said instantly.

"Why?"

"I need to hi-five Smee"

"I will do no such thing Miss," he jerked the chair lower again, and gave her a evil look " _Darling_ "

She bit the tip of her tongue between her teeth and grinned at him.

There was a thump as one of the alligators hit the plexiglass. Roxanne twisted to see "Was that Lord Snappington?"

"Who?"

Careful of the spikes, Roxanne pushed off against his shoulder with her feet and swung back over the pit. Megamind stared as she slipped out of his grasp then scrambled to catch the chair again. Roxanne jerked to a stop over the pit. The pleated chiffon of her skirt swirling over the hand gripping the chair leg. "I think that was Charlie," she informed him.

"Who is Charlie?"

"Charlie's the skinny one. Jeremy's the one that sticks to the side and Dolores is the one that sleeps all the time."

"Are you giving pet names to the portents of your doom?" he asked incredulously

"Do you not?" She tilted her head at him, seated as she was, her knees were on par with his brow and he kept having to tilt his head back to glare at her.

"They're alligators! I don't believe they care what we call them."

"Ah" she looked amused, "So my names are better."

"Bite, Snap, Snarl and Crunch are excellent names for such vicious reptiles!" he scoffed "Jeremy indeed!"

"Don't forget Lord Snappington."

"Lord Snappington?"

"Lord Wilberforce von Snappington the Third. He's the big one," Roxanne nodded down at the pit, "he has that scar over his eye that looks like a monocle." Megamind looked down into the pit, "He- oh...so it does."

There was another thump as Bite/Charlie made another attempt at Roxanne's floating skirt, "They are really worked up today, aren't they?"

"Its your skirt they're after my dear Wendy," 

She was laughing at him with the tilt of her smile "Upping the ante aren't we? Teaching alligators to tear off my clothes?"

Megamind flushed bright violet, "Its not that!" he glanced away "You look like one of their toys" he muttered awkwardly.

"Aww, I feel bad for teasing them now."

"As well you should! These are dangerous creatures!"

"Who you tease with swishy green skirts"

He glared up at her and gripped the chair again "Are you offering yourself as an alternative toy Miss Ritchi?" he asked with a wicked tilt of his brow.  
She quirked an eyebrow at him, "What happened to Wendy Darling?"

There was a crash of glass and Metro Man flew in to pose in the sunbeam let in by the broken skylight.

"You're evil plan stops here Megami-oh" His gaze travelled from Roxanne to Megamind, to Megamind's hand hidden under Roxanne's green skirt. He frowned "Am i interrupting something?"

"He's here Sir" Minion called.

"Hi Peter," Roxanne wiggled her toes at him.

"Roxanne?"

"No I'm Wendy today"

"Metro Mahn!" It was somewhat difficult to strike a threatening pose when you had one hand gripping the chair of an erstwhile damsel but Megamind thought he did a fairly credible job, aiming the de-gun squarely at Metro Man's chest. "So you have chosen to sacrifice the good citizens of Metrocity to save Miss Ritchi!"

"The good people of Metro City will never bow to your tyrannical will Megamind!" Metro Man proclaimed proudly, "Your villainous devices have already been dealt with."

"What did you do with the bombs?" Roxanne asked curiously.

"Threw them in the harbour" Metro shrugged

"Away from the shipping lanes?" Megamind demanded

"Uh..." there was a blur and a damp flick of hair "Yep!"

A boom echoed off in the distance.

"Ooh that cant be good for the fish" Roxanne murmured under her breath

Megamind groaned, "Its really not," suddenly foreseeing hours spent in the reef below the lair, checking for coral stress and soothing agitated fish and Minion.

Roxanne sighed deeply, and looked at Metro Man, "Hey did you get footage of the explosions?"

Wayne raised and dropped a shoulder, "Dunno, wasn't watching."

"You didn't watch?" They both gaped at him, thoughts spinning along the same line in very different directions. Megamind was very concerned that there was a stray explosive floating in the harbour unbeknownst to the vested interests he had in the docks. 

Roxanne was disappointed she didn't get to watch the explosion.

"Oh my god why do you make my life so hard?" she groaned

"Your life?" Megamind asked, still aiming the de-gun at Metro Man "What's the matter Wendy Darling, doubting your story telling skills?"

"I'm sure I can come up with some kind of _hook_ " she rolled her eyes and gave him an amused look. Megamind growled.

"Are you two done?" Metro Man asked plaintively.

"She is being a menace!"

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me"

"You are entirely too much trouble, take her away!" he gestured wildly, Roxanne jerked in the chair

Metro Man frowned,"Roxie," he sighed ,"I thought we agreed about the lasers"

"I agreed to nothing. It was the alligator pit" she cut her eyes to Megamind, "We could've been on a pirate ship." she said exasperatedly. He rolled his eyes at her and hit something on the control panel that let the chair lower gently to the floor. 

Metro Man flew over to untie her, Okay" he said as Roxanne stod up and stretched, He picked her up before she could slip over to the control panel. "Jail." he clapped a hand on Megamind's shoulder, not bothering to avoid the spikes. Megamind glared up at him.

"You cant take me to jail you idiot! I have to check you didn't leave any live explosives in the harbour."

"I could find those"

"Do you even know what they look like?"

Metro Man frowned, "Black?"

"They're red you idiot!"

"Ah." Metro Man frowned, then held up a hand, "One hour,"

"One- just an hour?" Megamind sputtered, "Do you have any idea how big the lake is?"

Metro Man gave him a beatific smile, "I'm sure you can manage, I have an interview to get to." He lifted off and took Roxanne with him.

"Bye Smee!" she waved

"Goodbye Miss Wendy!" Minion clumped forward and started sweeping up the shattered glass from the skylight, "I think that went well don't you Sir?"

Megamind groaned and stomped off to get the aquatic bots and start checking the harbour.

* * *

  
"Two seconds," Roxanne said, scrambling for her purse and microphone when Wayne landed next to the newsvan. Hal already filming the cheering crowd outside. She jumped in and winced when her foot squelched in what she really hoped was burger sauce, "Oh gross" she muttered, pulling out her phone and dialled, doing a two second touch up in the van mirror as she checked the microphone battery, "Hey"

"Yes Miss Darling?" Megamind sounded amused.

"Shoes."

"Go on your feet"

"They're still in the lair, I want them back."

"You should have kept them on."

"Megamind" she said warningly

"Say please"

"Please"

"Say pretty please"

She gritted her teeth, "Pretty please"

"Say pretty please Megamind incredibly handsome genius supervillain of course I'll accept your offer to be Evil Queen"

"Keep 'em" She hung up and jumped out of the van, subtly scraping her foot clean on the concrete. At least she was wearing a long skirt.

Back in the lair Megamind glared down at the alligators, "This is all your fault" he informed them loftily. Lord Snappinton yawned at him.

* * *

  
Much later, once she had scrubbed her feet clean and checked in with Marnie, Roxanne heard a noise on her balcony.

Bowg! She opened the balcony door and blinked at the red light of a brain-bot eye, "Hello?"

Bowg! The brain-bot presented her with a plain box tied with string. Frowning, Roxanne accepted it and laid it on the small table on her balcony "What's this?"

Bow-owg? the bot pushed under her hand nuzzling for pats, Roxanne stroked the plasma filled dome absently as she pulled at the string holding the box together "Thank you, oh aren't you friendly! Oh no- sure you can eat the string I guess?"

Brain-bot Designation 22461, now Designation Friendly bowged happily. Roxanne lifted the lid of the box "Oh my shoes!" she pulled them out and paused, raising an eyebrow at the bite marks on the toes.

Friendly floated awkwardly, abashed.

"Well at least I got them back this time." she went to lay them back in the box and saw there was something lying underneath, "Oh he finished already?" she collected her copy of The Wee Free Men and carefully shuffled up her copy of The Truth, more loose leaf than novel at this point and carried it back to the shelf, a small note slipped out

_To the Mistress of Evil,_

_Thank you for the loan of your books. I was able to reclaim your shoes mostly unmangled, though the bots have now decided "Find the shoe" is their new favourite game and I have had to barricade my wardrobe against their insistence at playing"_

_Megamind - Incredibly handsome evil genius supervillain_

_PS: You were right about the first books but I am nothing if not tenacious. I will return it on completion"_

"I did warn him" Roxanne grinned at Friendly.

Bowg the bot agreed.

"Hmm..." she tapped a finger thoughtfully against her lips and considered her bookshelf. Finally she selected her copy of Wyrd Sisters and carried it back to the bot hovering in the doorway. "Hang on," she grabbed a sticky note, stuck it under the first paragraph inside and and scribbled quickly

She held the book up, "Can you get this home without chewing it?"

Bowg!

"I'm holding you to that."

* * *

  
Back in the Lair, Megamind pushed the random assortment of boots off his chair and flopped down.

Bowg!

"Not now. No more find the shoe. You have found every shoe in the lair and a few more I have no idea where they came from" he kicked at a single rhinestone encrusted strappy pink kitten-heel.

Bowg! Something poked his head. It felt like a book, he looked up, "Oh 22461!"

Bowg! The bot pulled back offended and trilled at him.

"You want to change your name?"

[[Confirmation/affirmative. New Designation. Designation Friendly]]

"Friendly?"

There was a whirl of light and a short projection of Roxanne tugging at a piece of string and exclaiming "Oh aren't you friendly..."

"Fine, you're Friendly now I guess. Why did you bring one of the books back?"

Bowg! Friendly offered the book again, "Oh a new one!" he accepted it eagerly and caught the note as it fluttered out.

_Megamind_

Okay missing a few titles there but its a small note

_I told you so. Try this one instead._

_\- Endeavouring reporter_

Okay there was definitely room for Mistress of Evil at the end. How rude to change her title without notice.

Letter writing standards these days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everybody say hi to Friendly! The brain-bot who basically adopts Roxanne


	8. Put your money where your mouth is Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter and the next were entirely inspired by a tumblr post that mentioned "Accidental limb entanglement" and is named after the Jet song because I am apparently writing a good deal of this story to early 2000s Aus music https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gX7bUXQsHLY  
> Enjoy!

**“The bank needs to be run by someone who understands banks.”**   
**“People who understand banks got it into the position it is in now,” said Vetinari. “And I did not become ruler of Ankh-Morpork by understanding the city. Like banking, the city is depressingly easy to understand. I have remained ruler by getting the city to understand me.”**

**-Making Money, Terry Pratchett**

  
Metro City Bank was a beautiful grand old building full of cool marble and wood panelling. It was the kind of place that had an innate worship of money and the reverent shuffling of the staff inside seemed to support what they believed to be the proper respect to be paid to the almighty dollar. 

It also made getting anything done in there interminably slow.

Waiting in line to collect her replacement bank card, Roxanne checked her phone again and fluffed the ruffle at her neckline irritably. She only had another twenty minutes of her lunch break before she had to head across town to report on the collapsed building in the eastern suburbs.

Valerie had caught the morning shift on that one. A new apartment tower built to replace one that had apparently been destabilised by one of Megamind and Metro Man's battles had come down that morning. Metro Man had been on site immediately, along with emergency services, searching the rubble for survivors. Luckily the building wasn't finished so no one was living there yet. But a thirty unit apartment building could hold a lot of tradespeople.

At least today she'd been able to dig out an old favourite dress that had fallen out of rotation. It was a simple black wrap dress with white piping on the ruffles at the neckline and skirt and soft fluttery sleeves. A matching sash cinched her waist and the ends flirted down just past her knee. Best of all, it had pockets.   
Roxanne dug her stash bag out of her work purse. The little silver zip bag the size of her hand held just enough to get her through most emergencies. A cheap pair of crappy earbuds, a comb, mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, twenty bucks in cash, a sheet of painkillers, a chocolate chip muesli bar, bandaids, a hotel sewing kit, a tampon and...aha! peppermint gum.

She popped a piece in her mouth and fumbled with her bag as the line shuffled forwards. Her purse was full of notes for this afternoon, she gave up and stuck the stash bag in her pocket, reminding herself to reorganise her bag once she was somewhere with a flat surface

It wasn't a kidnapping day so she was as surprised as the rest of the staff and patrons when an explosion threw the doors inwards and and a troupe of gun wielding bandits strode in.

"Everybody on the floor now!" One of them screamed, firing a shotgun into the ceiling "And if anyone calls the cops we start shooting!" There were six of them, all in some form of denim and flannel, with dirty bandannas covering their faces.

Roxanne dropped to the floor along with the rest of her line and slid her phone out of her pocket. She swiped it open and hit what she had nicknamed the Private Eye app (one photo every five seconds, no lights no flash no sound, images stored to the cloud for 24 hours), then stuck it in her bra, angling the camera lens to peek out at the lowest point of her neckline.

The staff were herded behind one of the desks and one of the bandits in a yellow bandanna and red flannel shirt stood guard. The bank manager was dragged weeping from his office to kneel in the middle of the floor.

"Here's how this's gonna go" the bandit in the confederate flag bandanna stomped up to the bank manager, "Yer gonna take us down to the vault and yer gonna open it up. And if you do..." he shoved his shotgun into the bank managers heaving chest, "Maybe we wont shoot ya." The bank manager cried harder, "Please," he blubbered, "Don't hurt me, I'll do anything!"

"Good plan bankman," the confederate flag leered, "Now these fine folks up here are gonna sit tight because if any of youse or any of them tries anything, my buddy here" he nodded at the figure in the red flannel, "Is gonna shoot somebody. Maybe a lotta somebodies."

Roxanne mentally ranked the entire escapade thus far a two point five in terms of actual threat and maybe a one point five in showmanship and that was mostly on the way the doors had blown in, which, they had already been open so frankly that wasn't even that impressive. The people around her whimpered and scrunched closer to the floor.

Roxanne gritted her teeth and hoped the police would be here soon, she still hadn't had lunch.

"You and you" Green bandanna pointed at a terrified looking bike courier, shaking like a gazelle in bright yellow Lycra, and the little old lady in a lumpy peach cardigan who had been standing in front of Roxanne, "Get up. Yer comin' with us to make sure the bankman plays nice."

The bike courier gasped and clutched their satchel, Green bandanna tore it off his shoulder and pressed their pistol against his chest, directing the young man towards the archway leading to the vault downstairs. The grimy white bandanna swept his gun over the huddled crowd and followed.

Confederate bandanna grabbed the arm of the bank manager, a portly man with a bad comb-over who skidded and stumbled, still weeping towards the door. Blue bandanna grabbed the manager's other arm and jerked the man forward.

Red bandanna stood over the lady in front of Roxanne who was huddled, pressing her face into a crumpled handkerchief trailing out of her sleeve, "Get up!" he jerked her elbow roughly.

Roxanne stood up, leaving her purse on the floor. Red, Yellow and Confederate immediately aimed their guns at her "I'll go," she patted the lady on her fuzzy cardigan clad shoulder and looked at Red "You don't want to have to carry her down the stairs do you?"

Even behind the bandanna Red leered "Sure thing sweetcheeks" He spun his revolver clumsily around his finger and pointed it at her again, "Move."

She folded her arms and gave him an unimpressed look, "Moving." she stepped towards the stairs leading to the vault, following the other four bandits with Red bringing up the rear.

"Down to the vault!"

They passed through the marble archway and started heading down the curving stairs. The multicoloured group of bandits, weeping manager, frightened courier and one unofficial damsel who wasn't technically acting in capacity went down, past one landing and around again to another flight of stairs. A long dark corridor waited at the bottom of the staircase. They reached the bottom and Confederate bandanna shook the manager roughly, "Which way?" he demanded. Gulping, the manager pointed left, the party continued in a long train, two bandits for the manager, one almost carrying the courier, another bandit, Roxanne then Red bringing up the rear. As they turned a corner one of the bandits spied the wrist strap hanging out of her pocket and snatched it.

"What the hell is this?" Blue bandanna shook her stash bag in her face. Roxanne glared, "Tampons." she said flatly. Blue Bandanna flinched and threw the bag back at her in revulsion. Roxanne rolled her eyes and stuck it back in her pocket.

Idiots.

The lower level of the vault was like a maze. They passed a door marked Cleaning and little hollowed out alcoves containing desks and viewing spaces for security deposit boxes. The desks were mostly heavy wooden fronted blocks that crouched menacingly in their caves. There wasn't so much as a plant or anything more decorative than sketches of the bank over the last century in each alcove. None of the nooks had doors or any way to barricade against attackers.

Roxanne followed at the end of the train, Green bandanna had her arm in a sweaty a grip and the blunt end of his revolver was digging a bruise into her ribs. She angled herself slightly, trying to get a decent sweep of the group with her camera. The bank manager was still weeping and the nervous looking courier was practically catatonic. Blue bandanna kept having to drag him forwards and he stumbled and whimpered every couple of seconds.

The bank manager pointed left one more time and there was a muttered "Hallelujah" from one of the bandits as they evidently spotted the vault door in the distance. Confederate and White along with the manager headed around the corner. Blue and Green and the courier lolling between them turned out of sight as well.

The revolver pushing into her ribs jabbed again and Roxanne sighed and headed towards the end of the corridor. 

There was a soft rush of air. The revolver digging into her side disappeared. Roxanne paused, readying herself to sneak forward to record what was about to happen.

A hand clamped over her mouth. Its partner wrapped around her waist, pinning her arms to her sides and she was jerked into one of the alcoves and behind a desk before she had time to yell. Cool breath ghosted over her ear and down across her throat.

"For once Miss Ritchi, I appreciate your utter refusal to scream." The voice was almost soundless. Roxanne could feel spiked pauldrons digging into her shoulder and the arm holding her was tense as steel. Her spine prickled. She turned her head and almost took her eye out on the pointed tip of a wide collar. 

Megamind pulled her tighter against his chest. One of his knees pressed into her back, the other thrown over her legs, pinning her to the floor. Propped in an awkward half sitting angle, she didn't have enough reach below where he was holding her to grab at anything. Roxanne squirmed and curled her hands into fists and dug an elbow into his side but he didn't move. 

"Hold still!" he hissed quietly, "Do you want them to take you again?"

She relaxed her fists and leaned into him as much as the spikes would allow. He evidently took it as a sign she was listening because the hand over her mouth released. 

"What is going on?" she breathed, "I thought it was my day off. Was all that just a distraction?" She tipped her head back more carefully until she could see the blue curve of his head. He glanced down at her, face set in a dark scowl. 

"I would very much like to know that as well." He looked furious. Roxanne shifted her shoulders and the arm holding her waist tightened, "None of that Miss Ritchi,"

"Spikes. At least let me sit up," The desk blocking their view of the corridor was tall heavy oak panelling all the way to the floor. If there was enough space for him to be out of sight even sitting up straight, she'd definitely fit. She could hear his teeth grinding but the knee digging into her back moved and he drew the foot hooked over her legs away to prop up beside her, framing her between his leg and the large desk. Roxanne was able to arch up enough to lean away from the spikes and look at him properly over her shoulder. He crouched against the corner where the desk met the wall like a long limbed blue and black spider. One arm was still firm around her waist, the other resting on the grip of the de-gun strapped to his thigh. There was none of the energetic capering or Goblin King style lounging she was used to seeing. His face was hard, mouth pressed flat and he looked coiled tight with repressed violence. He appeared to be listening for something, but green eyes flicked to hers as she raised her eyebrows at him, "Who are they?" she mouthed.

He scowled and leaned close to her ear again, "I have no idea, but those idiots do _not_ have my authority."

Roxanne slowly drew her legs under her and twisted sideways to get away from the spikes. She felt faintly ridiculous, practically sitting in her serial kidnappers lap on the floor in the middle of a bank heist that apparently had nothing to do with either of them. She tried to push away the arm around her waist and gave him an unimpressed look when his fingers tightened, "Yes because every crime that happens in Metro City goes through you for approval." she retorted quietly.

"Yes Miss Ritchi." his voice was softly flat "It does."

Footsteps sounded towards their alcove, "Hey where's Jeb?" one of the bandits called.

Crude laughter echoed back from closer to vault door, "Probably coping a feel of the mouthy bitch"

"Aw shit, knew I shoulda grabbed that one. Hey Jeb!" the voice echoed back down the corridor as the footsteps trailed away agian, "Holler when yer done, and leave a taste for

the rest of us."

"Yeah or if you need directions on where to stick it!" that sounded like Blue bandanna. Roxanne could feel the silent rumble of the growl in the chest behind her matching the one in her throat. 

More laughter bounced above the hitching weeping coming from the bank manager, then the sound of a fist striking flesh and a yelp of pain. "Man shut the hell up and get this door open!" The weeping got louder, a short staccato of gunshots rang out down the corridor. "Next one's going in yer belly bankman!"

His hand covered her mouth again, she glared and opened her mouth to lick a wet stripe his palm. She'd found most people who physically tried to shut her up were not prepared for the feeling of a reckless tongue.

Of course Megamind was wearing gloves, so all she got for her trouble was the taste of leather and an arched eyebrow as if asking _Licking? Really?_  
She glared in response and opened her mouth to bite down on his knuckle. He obviously realised what she intended almost before she did and he put his mouth to her ear "If you bite me Miss Ritchi, I will have no qualms in dehydrating you."

Roxanne closed her mouth.

He gave her a look, "Don't make me regret removing my hand."

If looks could kill...but he was evidently trying to find out what's going on as much as she was. He removed his hand again and cocked his head, listening, "Where is he?"

"Who?"

He glared and jutted his chin, Roxanne blinked, nonplussed "Metro Man?" she asked.

"No Albert Einstein, of course Metro Man!" his words hissed across her cheek.

All this leaning back and forth was giving her vertigo, he still hadn't released her arms so she knelt up a little and pressed her face into the space between his collar and the side of his head "Building collapse," she breathed against his ear, he stiffened, "Parklands, been digging people out all morning."

She felt more than heard the low growl in his chest "Have to do everything myself..." his nose brushed her hair "Did you hear any names? Any mention of what they were after?"

"Just Jeb," she murmured, "And no."

"Are there any more upstairs? How many in total?"  
She tapped the fingers holding her and wriggled her arm to show she needed her hand free. He relaxed his grip enough she was able to fit one hand between them and push his chest back a little. He glared then froze as she dipped her fingers into her neckline and drew her phone out of her cleavage. She killed the PI app and offered it to him with a smug look.

His eyes brightened, "Clever reporter" he purred. He snatched the phone from her hand and swiped across it, then scowled and pushed it back at her. "I told you Miss Ritchi, your hands only."

"Seriously?" Roxanne sat back on her heels before her leg went to sleep, "You didn't build a backdoor?"

"Its _your_ phone Miss Ritchi."

There would be time to comprehend the implications of that later. 

She opened the camera and began flicking through images, showing him ones with decent shots of the unexpected crew. He kept gesturing at odd images, showing the stances of some of the men while their faces behind bandannas were blurred with motion. 

Another spray of bullets rang down the corridor, Roxanne looked up. Megamind yanked her down against his chest again, pressing her close against the lighting bolt on his chest, and hunched his shoulders over her. "You are not bulletproof Miss Ritchi!" he snapped quietly, drawing the de-gun.

"Neither are you" she hissed back.

"But I am wearing deflective armour."

"Well good for you!" 

Laughter and weeping echoed down the corridor, but no more shots were fired.

He ducked his head down and his lips brushed her ear, "Will you stop being argumentative and show me the footage?"

"Fine" she twisted around until she was pressed with her back against his front again and grabbed his hand, curling his fingers around her fist, she held up her phone with the other "You drive."

He hooked his chin over her shoulder and cupped the hand holding the de-gun under the one holding her phone. His hand wrapped around hers, aiming her finger around the screen, flickering through images faster than she could keep up with. He halted on one image of the group, zooming in on the belt buckle visible on the one in the confederate bandanna, "That one," he murmured. Roxanne tipped her head back to put her lips to his ear "You know him?"

"Not by name, but he's in charge" she felt his lip curl in a snarl against her cheek, "Amateurs, the lot of them."

"How dare they," Roxanne half-mocked. He twisted his head to glare at her and the look he gave her was deadly serious, "You laugh Miss Ritchi but Metrocity hasn't had an attack as slapdash as this in years. Its bad for business."

"So you need to take the leader down?"

"No." There was something very dangerous behind his eyes, "He's the only one I need left alive to find out if they are as stupid as they have been acting or if someone sent them to stir up trouble."

"Oh," Roxanne swallowed, "What are you going to do?" she went to move out of the bracketed space between his knees but he pulled her back in firmly.

"I'm working on that"

"Well let me know if I can lend a hand." she muttered sarcastically. 

From down the corridor, the sound of someone kicking a heavy steel door echoed out. 

"No no please!" that sounded like the courier, there was a screech of pain and the smack of a pistol hitting a temple followed by a groan and a slump. Megamind looked at her out of the corner of his eye consideringly, "Who else was down here?"

Roxanne ticked them off with her fingers "White Bandanna, Confederate, Blue, Green and Jeb in the red. Bank manager, the courier who was just screaming and me." She shrugged her shoulder where he still leaned, "And you."

He sat back, and she curled around to look at him again. He was glaring at nothing, rubbing his thumb over the line of his goatee, then he sighed.

"Alright," he said quietly, meeting her eyes, "I'm afraid, Miss Ritchi, I'm going to need to ask you to create a distraction."

"What will you be doing?"

"Getting to the leader beside the vault, and dealing with the rest of the group down here." He frowned, "I may need to knock out the bank manager as well. The courier is already down by that scream. Once they're dealt with, you'll be free to get into the lift. Hit the emergency lock and call the police, they should be able to overpower the remaining one upstairs."

Roxanne blinked, "There's only one of you," she hissed.

He cocked an eyebrow at her, "One will be more than enough. If I do this correctly, it should look like an argument gone wrong with the leader doublecrossing his team which," he gripped Roxanne's chin in his hand and looked at her seriously, "Is the story I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to run with Miss Ritchi."

Roxanne glared and jerked away from his hand, "I haven't agreed to that!"

He smirked and leaned close to her again, "Nevertheless, my dear endeavouring reporter, unless you truly want to explain that you were rescued by a supervillain, I'm afraid I cant allow you to reveal my presence here today." 

Roxanne scowled, knowing he had her there, "How did you even get in here?" she demanded.

Megamind gave her an amused look "Miss Ritchi do you really think there's anywhere in this city I cant go? I'll tell you everything I know once I've spoken with the leader. If its an outside group attempting to break in, you'll have exclusive access to the full story."

"Damn straight," she muttered, "What did you do with Jeb?"

He raised a mild eyebrow "What makes you think I did anything?"

Roxanne gave him an arch look "Well I'm not sitting in his lap now am I?"

The tips of his ears went lavender.

"That," he stopped and tried again "That is irrelevant to the plan at hand, Miss Ritchi. Jeb is currently improving his career choices by acting as a paperweight in a desk drawer three alcoves back."

"Good for him" Roxanne murmured, "If he keeps that up he might make doorstop by the end of the year."

Megamind stared at her for a moment, then his shoulders shook with silent laughter, "That," his eyes gleamed, "Was fucking awful Miss Ritchi."

She gave him an impish grin, "So what kind of distraction do you need? Throw a chair? Pull the fire alarm?"

He was still grinning at her, "I'll leave that in your capable hands"

Oh now that was a heady feeling. Roxanne sensed a once in a lifetime opportunity. "Can I use the de-gun?" she whispered eagerly, reaching for his thigh holster.

Long fingers closed around her wrist, "Absolutely not" he glared, moving her hand out of danger. Roxanne pouted, "Put that lip away, its not going to earn you any special favours"

She pushed her lip out a little further.

"Now. Miss Ritchi."

She felt his other hand slide up to cover her mouth again and dropped the pout, rolling her eyes to the ceiling. She missed the tense curl of the thumb that had been gliding up her shoulder to press her lip back into her mouth. "...always such trouble with you..." she heard him murmur. In the distance, the bank manager was still sobbing and the bandits were swearing angrily.

Without warning, Megamind picked her up and slipped over the desk, she clutched his shoulder in alarm but he was already setting her down on the floor on the other side close to the alcove opening. He knelt over her and held a finger over her lips, ignoring her look of outrage. "A little warning!" she mouthed, pushing herself up on her elbows.  
He smirked in response, and leaned close to her ear again. His hand splayed against her stomach, pressing her down onto the floor, "Wait until you see me by the corner, then count to ten and start the distraction, then run for the lift."

"What happened to not bulletproof?"

"By the time I've reached the vault that wont be an issue." he said with absolute confidence. He pulled her back up until they were both crouching and moved to the doorway. He glanced out quickly and gave her a sharp nod, "All clear, ready?"

Roxanne nodded, his long hand was cool around her wrist. He released her and patted her knee, "There's a good henchdamsel," he grinned, she rolled her eyes, "Until next time Miss Ritchi," he murmured softly.

"I can and will hunt you down if you don't share this story," she breathed back. His eyes were wicked.

"I look forward to it," he slipped out of the doorway, down the corridor and around the corner. She started counting...

One...

Two...

Her heartbeat was thrumming

Five...

Six...

She could feel pricks of excitement racing up her spine

Nine...

Ten...

Roxanne threw her head back and screamed.

Then she dove flat out of the alcove and stuck her head around the corner to watch the bandits spin around in confusion as the echoes bounced around them. Confederate was hunched over the vault door while the other three were in various stages of milling about. The courier looked passed out in the middle of the floor and the bank manger was huddled by White's leg. Megamind was already slipping silently out of another alcove to strike at the bank manager and White bandanna first. 

Flat on the floor Roxanne watched the fight, if it could be called that. it looked more like carnage. Megamind dropped the first two bandits in seconds, fists and elbows slamming into throats and against temples. No banter, no talking, just silent vicious speed. 

Yellow, the third got a single shot off. It ricocheted away and bit into the marble wall. There was a crack as Megamind slammed his fist into the wannabe bandit's shoulder followed by another blow to the temple. Yellow fell to the floor with the others. 

Confederate Flag finally realised there was something amiss. He shuffled against the wall and held his hands up. "Shit! Wai-" a small blue cube dropped to the ground. Megamind stalked across the floor and scooped up the dehydrated bandit, looked at it disdainfully for a moment then slipped it into his beltpouch. Then he stretched languidly and considered the half opened vault door for a moment. Finally he shrugged as though it wasn't worth his time.

Roxanne could feel the cold marble of the floor against her skin, anchoring her to the present against the roaring in her ears. Wayne had warned her. Megamind was dangerous he'd said. He'd told her and she hadn't believed him. Why would she when he spent so much time watching his cavort about making an idiot of himself with his grand ee-vil schemes?

But this was nothing like that. This was a deadly grace that held a strange kind of beauty in its utter ruthlessness.

It was terrifying.

It was awe inspiring.

It was violently entrancing.

Roxanne began very rapidly mentally re-calibrating every interaction they'd ever had as she tried to relearn how to breathe. 

Megamind eyed the remaining dropped bandits and frowned contemplatively, then he pulled out a familiar looking canister and gave each of them and the bank manager a long hit.

Roxanne swallowed and pressed her train of thought firmly to the back of her mind. Her regular kidnapper looked up and saw her lying on the ground staring. His mouth went flat and his eyes darkened. He stormed towards her and pulled her sharply off the floor, "I thought I told you to run," he growled.

Roxanne was unrepentant, "Too used to hanging around while I'm in mortal peril I guess."

He glared and started pulling her in the direction of the stairs. "You'll just have to hope the police didn't hear that shot then or we'll be in for a very unpleasant interlude." He paused then ducked into one of the alcoves and retrieved a second cube. 

"Jeb?" Roxanne guessed. Megamind nodded once sharply, then frowned at her, "Why isn't he here yet?"

"Who?"

He gave her an impatient look, "Who do you think?"

"You mean Wayne?" Roxanne brushed the dust from her dress. 

"You screamed Miss Ritchi" he said as though that should explain everything. 

"Oh," she shrugged, "He knows not to come unless I scream for him by name"

"Then why didn't you?" He started heading back towards the stairs, following the faint green glow of the Exit signs.

"You said you had it handled." Roxanne walked quickly beside him.

"Why would he not come running if he heard you screaming?"

She looked at him flatly "He knows" she enunciated clearly "Not to come when I am just screaming."

He stopped and gaped at her. Roxanne sighed, she really didn't want to have to explain any further, "You're a clever boy, you figure it out."

She'd never seen anyone bluescreen of death in real life before. Of course it helps that he's actually blue. "He tried to catch me paragliding once." There, that is definitely at least one of the reasons, "I nearly steered into a cliff trying not to hit him"

He was still staring at her, she reached up and flicked the tip of one pointed ear.

"Ow!" he slapped his hand over his ear and stared at her as though she'd just done something obscene "That was uncalled for."

"Percussive maintenance," she shrugged, "You were shorting out."

"Must have been due to you nearly bursting my eardrums" he muttered.

"Look on the bright side, you finally got to hear me scream," she grinned.

"If I'd known this was all it took I'd have held up a bank for you years ago." 

"Sure you would."

He huffed irritably and gestured for her to keep moving. Their footsteps echoed quietly down the empty corridors, Roxanne recognised the Cleaners door and knew the lift and stairs waited around the next corner.

"Well this was fun," she said blandly, slowing to a stop, "Give me a call tonight once you know whats going on."

Megamind looked startled, "I- of course" he frowned for a moment then opened his mouth again, a groan of pain from the courier in the corridor behind them cut him off.

Megamind and Roxanne shared a panicked look and both dove into the cleaning supplies cupboard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special shoutout to the amazing dalniente who has previously welcomed me into her sandbox to play with some other aspects of her stories and Setepentre-set from whom I've borrowed the projectile deflecting spikes purely for the purpose of getting to squish these two together like sardines.
> 
> Stay tuned for Part 2!


	9. Put your money where your mouth is Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Supervillain sardines continues...
> 
> Warnings for small spaces if that's a thing you prefer to avoid

The cupboard was small. It smelt faintly of dust and bleach and stale air.

It was also very dark.

Roxanne tripped on what felt like an extension cable and smacked blindly into a shelf. She flailed upwards, accidentally catching the heel of her palm against Megamind's cheek. Long hands grabbed her wrists and pinned her back against the steel of the shelves. 

A cord brushed her hand, Roxanne twisted her fingers around the string and pulled, a dim yellow light clicked on.

Megamind loomed over her, green eyes luminous in the half light. Her ankle was still caught in the cable, pulling her off balance. One of his thighs was braced between her legs keeping her from falling.

"Sorry" she whispered.

He didn't blink. His lean frame pressed firmly against her hip.

"For your cheek" she clarified, he still didn't move.

"Megamind?" He finally blinked and snapped back into focus, then pulled back so fast he took her with him.

This time Roxanne was the one pinning him, the spikes in his shoulders scraping the bare metal of the shelf as she fell against his chest.

"Will you stop!" She hissed trying to shake her foot loose.

He was staring at her wildly, the tips of his ears bright pink.

"Okay, hang on," she raised her free foot and propped it on the shelf behind him and pushed up, pressing herself along his body to leverage her foot out of the cable. His breath hissed over her throat. She hopped back down and grinned triumphantly.

"Ta-da!" her wrists were still in his hands. He swallowed. "You can let go now" 

His grip tightened.

"Megamind" she shook her arms gently, trying to jostle him loose. He suddenly sucked in a deep breath and released her.

"I-sorr-Miss Ritchi I-" He pressed the heels of his palms over his eyes and let out a shuddery breath, "Fuck"

Roxanne blinked and hesitantly reached out to touch the tips of her fingers to his brow then pulled back. "You okay?" 

He hissed something sibilant and harmonic that didn't sound like any language she'd ever heard. "Is it small spaces? Do you need me to do something?"

He hissed again, "No." he said cryptically. He scrunched his eyes closed and pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing deeply. "I have aspirin if you want?" Roxanne offered without thinking.

His hand dropped and he blinked at her, "I wish aspirin is all it would take to deal with you Miss Ritchi."

"Screw you," she pressed her ear to the door, "I think we can go" she whispered reaching for the handle.

His arms locked around her, "No we cant."

"The hell not?" She reared back and tried to wriggle out of his arms. He looked down at her seriously, blue features mere inches from hers.

"Because, Miss Ritchi, those idiots couldn't even concuss a courier correctly." He scowled, "I refuse to take credit for such a sloppy attempt at villainy, and you need a valid excuse as to why you haven't been reporting this yet." 

Roxanne blinked, calculating the truth of his words, "Fuck!" she dropped her head back to stare at the bare bulb hanging from the ceiling, missing the way his eyes fixed in her throat. "You're right."

"I know," he relaxed his arms and leaned back against the shelves. The room was ringed with built in shelving filled with assorted cleaning supplies. There was barely enough room to fit one, let alone two people. Roxanne mirrored his pose against the opposite shelf and folded her arms.

"So what now?" she asked

"Wait." he shrugged, "The courier should be pulling the alarm once they're properly awake. Or the last one upstairs will give himself up to the police in exchange for his brethren. You'll tell them they realised you were filming and threw you in here as punishment."

"Absolutely not!" Roxanne jabbed her finger into the blue lighting bolt on his chest, "You don't take credit for sloppy villainy? I don't get caught for sloppy journalism!" 

He dragged a hand down his face and growled at her, "Fine. Then tell them that they recognised you once you were in the vault and tied you up so you couldn't report on them."

"That is," Roxanne tilted her head, thinking "Marginally more acceptable."

"I did tell you to run and call the police" he raised a smug eyebrow.

Roxanne flopped back against a shelf of window wipers, "Ugh I hate you."

He seemed genuinely amused at that, "There are worse things you could hate me for, Miss Ritchi,"

"Oh don't worry I hate you for those too"

He laughed. Roxanne relaxed a little, this was their usual level of interaction, this was...safer. "So how long am I waiting?" she asked resigned.

"We"

"What?"

"We," he gestured between them with one long hand, "Will be waiting as you have already proven yourself incapable of obeying sensible instructions and because you" he waved at her ensemble as though it was somehow lacking, "Are not bulletproof and there is still one im-bee-seel remaining upstairs."

Roxanne glared, "Excuse you this dress is great. Its cute, its professional and its got pockets!" she stuck her hands in said pockets in defiance.

Megamind blinked then eyed her slowly, from her hair down to the pointed toes of her black kitten heels then back up again and tilted his head thoughtfully, "I do like the colour," he gave her a wicked grin. Roxanne fought the blush she could feel blooming up the back of her neck, "Fine." she bit out, "How long are we waiting then?"

His grin dropped, "I estimate forty minutes. Long enough for the police to subdue the last of those idiots and come down to find you. I'll slip out shortly before."

"Wont the others wake up first?"

"I doubt it, even without their injuries the spray will keep them down for two hours at least."

Roxanne frowned, "No it doesn't"

He raised an eyebrow at her, "They haven't built up an immunity. Also you get a much smaller dose."

"Yippee for me." she muttered "Why cant I go up alone?" 

"Again, not bulletproof. Its concerning I need to remind you of this"

Roxanne sighed and slid down to the floor, pressing her back against a tub of floor polish. After a moment, Megamind folded his slender limbs down and joined her.

"Is that why you wanted your cape back?" she asked, deciding if she was going to be spending the better part of the next hour trapped in a space the size of a shower stall with Metro's most villainous she might as well satisfy her curiosity.

The supervillain in question gave her a small grin, "Minion gets very annoyed with how hard I am on my clothes, I try to save him some trouble when I can."

"Nice to know you're considerate of one person at least."

He rolled a blue cube across his knuckles and stored it away again, "Say the word and I can re-hydrate your previous attempted kidnapper." he offered.

Roxanne looked down at where her knees were almost brushing the tips of his boots, "I doubt he'd fit."

The spout from the tub was digging into her back, Megamind watched her warily as she shifted around until they were sitting at right angles and leaned on her hand. "I have to say today is really putting my usual kidnappings in a new perspective."

"Evil can be done by anybody, Miss Ritchi," he smirked, "Supervillainy requires style"

Roxanne rolled her eyes and let her head thunk back against a shelf, "I cant believe you single handedly orchestrated a take-down of a hostile group with no equipment and no warning but you couldn't figure out how to let me get out of here to report on it. And I still need to come back tomorrow for my replacement card."

"I did figure out how to get you out of here," he pointed out "You were nosy and had to stay to watch the show."

She made a face at him, "I'm a reporter, remember?" He gave her an amused look, "What happened to your bank card?"

"Lasereyes Mcgee was showing off" she grumbled.

"Laserey- you mean Metro Man?" he looked delighted, "How?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "He was juggling three different sets of things simultaneously and zapping paper planes at the same time"

"Why?"

"He was showing off for," she swallowed a name, "people. I just got caught in the crossfire."

"That's unfortunate"

She snorted, "Story of my life."

"If it makes you feel any better I wasn't planning to have my day disrupted dealing with incompetent out-of-towners."

She tilted her head consideringly, "Mmm...no cant say that it does."

"Oh come now Miss Ritchi, where's your sense of empathy?" he grinned.

Fine. He asked for it.

Roxanne sat up, laid one hand on her cheek and let her mouth fall open in an exaggerated look of surprise, "My goodness how terrible," her voice was breathy, syrupy sweet, she rested her other hand on his arm, careful of the spikes, to his apparent shock, "You poor thing," she leaned closer into his space and gave him a look of earnest sympathy, "That must be perfectly dreadful. You will let me know if I can help in any way, wont you?"

Megamind's eyebrows were nearly climbing off his head, "That is the worst thing I have ever seen you do. Stop that immediately."

Roxanne sat back down and grinned, Megamind gave a convulsive shake, "That was genuinely disturbing."

"Good for getting interviews though."

"Who on earth would want to be interviewed by someone who sounds like their brain rolled out their ears?"

"Politicians, CEOs, board-members of various companies..."

"How horrifying."

"They are depressingly easy." she looked at him curiously, "How do you know the colourful cowboys are out-of-towners?"

He was still eyeing her warily, curiosity changed to impatience, "A few reasons," He answered finally, "Mistakes they made. For a start, they didn't come through me."

"Yeah because no one's ever tried to do that before"

"They only ever try it once. And no one warned them, or me, which means they didn't plan anything here or I'd have heard something." That indicated a significant amount of control over an extensive information network. Exactly kind of thing Roxanne would kill for. She eyed him interestedly, making a conscious effort not to lick her lips.

"What's the third reason?"

He let his head tilt back, then slid his eyes over to meet hers and raised an eyebrow, "I'm sure you know why"

"Never assume when you can confirm." she challenged "Enlighten me"

"Their third mistake was in taking you."

"They held up the entire bank." she objected.

"Even so," he turned to look at her fully, green eyes startling in the dim light of the cupboard, "There are a number of rules when it comes to the less legal side of things in Metrocity Miss Ritchi. One I put a considerable amount of effort into maintaining is that no one touches you but me."

"I volunteered" Roxanne said flustered, "Were they just meant to turn around and walk out if I told them who I was?"

"If they'd been competent they'd have had a scout inside already to advise the optimum time to break in, the middle of lunch with fifty customers milling around is a ridiculous time to rob a bank."

"Standards these days" she gave him a mock sympathetic smile, pushing the feeling of having been double-jumped on a trampoline by the phrase _no one touches you but me_ to the back of her mind. "No wonder you were so cross with them."

He rolled his eyes at her. Roxanne's stomach growled, "Speaking of lunch," she slid her stash bag out of her pocket.

"What is that?"

"Stash bag," she pulled out the muesli bar and broke it in half, offering him a piece, "I haven't eaten yet, have you?"

He accepted the offering and looked at it "Chocolate chips? I'd have picked you for a strawberry yogurt person."

"Chocolate chips are indestructible" she mumbled around a mouthful "Yogurt just crumbles"

Megamind ate all the chocolate chips first. It was a weirdly cute thing to watch.

Roxanne pulled her phone out and started typing copy notes. Megamind sucked the sticky muesli bar residue from his fingers and twisted something on his watch and a faint blue light appeared, "Minion," he said quietly, Roxanne looked up from her phone to say hello, Megamind held up a finger, she bared her teeth teasingly. He flicked the tip of her nose so she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Sir?" the henchfish's voice asked, "Did you resolve the issue at the bank?"

"Its in process," the supervillain replied, "Setting 343 go an make an appearance somewhere, take a couple of the bots with you, they need the exercise"

"Yes Sir," Megamind twisted the watch back and the glow disappeared. 

"Alibi?" Roxanne guessed, rubbing the tip of her nose.

"A disguise watch is a very useful thing."

Roxanne was puzzled, "Didn't the men downstairs see you?"

He shrugged, "Even if they did, and even if they were idiotic enough to spout off about getting beaten up by an incredibly handsome blue alien supervillain, I have enough contacts in any jail they get hauled off to to impress on them why their actions were such a bad idea." 

"That must be convenient,"

"It has its moments. Easier than smuggling the memory wipe machine into the police station."

Roxanne narrowed her eyes, "Bullshit,"

He gave her a mildly confused look, "Are you sure?"

Roxanne hesitated, "I have too many memories of you flailing like a Muppet when something goes wrong," she said confidently, "You'd never let me keep all those."

"Perhaps I thought it was rude to bias your reporting skills."

She smirked, "The Howling Hounds of Horror?"

The tips of his ears went pink.

"Thought so,"

"Maybe that's just what I want you to think."

"Sure it is,"

He gave her the mildly confused look again.

"You enjoy fucking with me don't you?" Roxanne accused.

He grinned, "Its the highlight of my week."

She reached up to flick his ear again, "You are such a pain."

He caught her hand before she could do any damage, "You are being remarkably hands on for someone trapped in a cleaning closet with a supervillain, Miss Ritchi."

"Me? You're the one who tackled me behind a desk." she gestured at the door, "You know where the exit is."

"If I'm exposing myself to danger you're coming with me,"

"Fine but you have to carry me," she shifted her weight, "My leg's going to sleep."  
"Supervillain of Metrocity carries Star Reporter out of a cleaning cupboard," he swept one gloved hand in an arc melodramatically, "Imagine the uproar."

"Reporter Ruined! Rhoomba reveals all!" Roxanne snickered.

"What dark deeds were discovered by the dustpan?" Megamind grinned

"Has Metro's damsel been Dusted into Diabolical Demoness?"

"Menaced by the Mop of Malevolence"

"Corrupted by the Cleaning Cloths of Cruelty"

"Ensnared by the Magic Eraser of Evil"

"Bedevilled by the Broom of Badness"

"Seduced by the spray bottle of Supervillainy"

"Ravished by the vicious vacuum of villainy"

"I think I tried to make one of those once. Didn't go well."

Roxanne cracked up laughing. A hand covered her mouth again, "Be quiet Minx," Megamind hissed, his own shoulders still shaking with laughter "or you really will find yourself in peril from the Calamitous Cleaning Cloth of Chaos!" Roxanne gave an appalled squeak and pushed him away, "You started it!"

"I did not! Stop laughing before we really are discovered."

"Okay okay," Roxanne took two deep breaths and settled into her professional smile, "Better?"

Megamind blinked, "Well its not that awful voice."

"Oh you mean this voice?" Roxanne pulled out her get an interview with a corrupt sexist politician voice again and gave him the same empty headed smile, "What on earth do you mean? Why would this voice be a problem?"

He covered her face with his hand and shoved her against a pile of overused cleaning wipes next to a bug trap.

Roxanne pushed him off and knelt over him, pressing him against the shelf with her hand flat on his chest, "Do that again and I will bite you" she threatened. Cold metal pressed under the corner of her jaw and a low hum vibrated in her ear, "I don't believe you're in a position to be making threats Miss Ritchi." he raised an eyebrow at her slowly.

For a bare second she contemplating grabbing for the gun anyway. But his eyes were glinting in the low light and there was something curling up her spine that almost felt like fear.

(Don't push it Roxanne)

She lifted her hand away from his chest and sat back slowly.

He grinned and spun the gun around his fingers gracefully, letting her see the dial set to de-coupage.

"Decoupage" she raised her eyebrows, "Seriously?"

"Do you want me to stick you to the ceiling?

"...no?"

"Clever reporter." He re-holstered the de-gun. Roxanne tilted her head curiously

"Can I see?"

"What?"

"The de-gun, can I see it?" 

He shot her a wary look, "What for?"

"We've got time," she shrugged, "I'm curious."

"I'm afraid I don't allow other people to play with my toys Miss Ritchi,"

"Please?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You've already proven your willingness to shoot me once Miss Ritchi, you can forgive me for not wanting to hand you a weapon"

"Are you kidding? There's no way I'd have skipped firing OBIWaN."

"Even if it was aimed at Metro Man?" Perhaps she'd be an even better Evil Queen than he'd thought.

"Eh" she shrugged carelessly, "He'd be fine."

Well perhaps not.

"I don't know why he was so surprised," she continued, "Wayne knows what I'm like."

"And what is that?"

She grinned, "An utter fucking terror fuelled by caffeine and spite"

That startled a laugh out of him. "Why in the name of quantum entanglement would he say something like that to you?"

"He didn't say that to me, he just knows that's what I'm like" she paused, "My boss said that to me during my last performance review."

"Officially?"

"Unofficially. Officially I am a determined and conscientious reporter who should perhaps rely less on stimulants so I don't bite the heads off my coworkers when they interrupt me two hours before a deadline on the abuse of pharmaceutical patents"

"And what did you say to that?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both?"

"Officially I thanked him for his comments and advised we might be a less hostile work environment if they improved the quality of the coffee in the staff room. Unofficially I told him to stop wasting my time and let me work from home more often."

"And did he?"

"After last time you smashed through the courtyard to kidnap me, he did."

"So glad I could be of assistance Miss Ritchi,"

"It would have been a lot easier if we'd had Topsy set up back then, I had to eat lunch in the courtyard every day for a week."

"You are extraordinarily manipulative, how have I not realised this before?" Was that admiration in his voice?

"Thank you." she preened, "You tie me to the Chair a lot. I had to get creative."

He snorted, "You are a menace"

"I'm taking that as a compliment."

"You would."

Megamind drummed his fingers on the floor. He hadn't kept his hands still the whole time. Roxanne was too used to seeing him leaping about, this controlled stillness was almost freaking her out. Almost.

The side of one finger brushed her the front of her hip, just above her hipbone. Roxanne flinched.

His gaze sharpened, "Did one of them hurt you?"

"No." he prodded the area, she relaxed, "Its fine"

"Hmm" he drew his fingers away lightly and she sucked in a breath. He paused, looking at her, then his smile went positively predatory "Miss Ritchi are you _ticklish_?"

"I will rip your ears off your gigantic blue head."

He smirked, then pressed his fingers against her side. She glared and didn't move. He huffed in annoyance and skated his fingers away lightly. Roxanne's stomach muscles jumped "Oh... knismesis..." he eyed the shelves around them thoughtfully, "I wonder if there's a feather duster in here?"

Roxanne's palm swung at his head, there was a soft smack as his hand caught her wrist before she could make contact. "Don't you dare" she hissed. He gave her a wicked smile. She pinched the tip of his ear and twisted, his eyes went wide.

"Truce Miss Ritchi! Truce truce truce!" his voice was an octave higher and he was twisting frantically.

"No tickling?" Roxanne demanded

"No tickling, I promise Miss Ritchi please!"

She let go and he dropped her wrist. "Awful woman" he grumbled, ducking his head and rubbing at his ear.

"Hey you started it."

"You are much less trouble tied up."

"Less fun though,"

"That's debatable"

"Your sample size is too small"

"Why Miss Ritchi are you offering to take me out?"

"Got the sniper rifle all lined up. How's Thursday work for you?"

He spread his hands, "Sadly Minion retains sole ownership of the planner, I'll have to check my calendar," He cocked his head, listening, the dingy light of the cupboard sent a sharp relief of his pointed ear into shadow. He stood up and pulled down an old white extension cord.

"Give me your hands" 

"Why?"

"So I can tie you up. I'll give you a short hit of the spray and you can start yelling in about ten minutes."

Roxanne sighed and stood up, "Okay give me a second." 

"For what?"

"Presentation," she smirked, "I'll be on air as soon as I'm out of here." She pulled out her stash bag again and grabbed comb, ripping through her hair, then swapped for the tube of mascara. She flipped the phone camera to front facing and pushed it at his hands, "hold this." He slid the extension cord over his arm and held her phone, cocking an eyebrow.

"No mirror Miss Ritchi?"

She finished applying mascara to her left eye before she answered, "The logo on the bag does in a pinch, but you're here so you can make yourself useful."

"Culmination of my life's ambitions, to be mildly insulted while acting as a stand-in for your bathroom mirror." But he held the phone steady as she did her other eye.

"Mm-hm," she recapped the mascara and blinked a few times, no wet lines appeared, good. She switched mascara for lipstick and grabbed his hand to angle the phone correctly. The lipstick was a little darker than she usually wore, but was neutral enough with the black and white dress. She slicked it over her top lip in two strokes, then back and forth over her bottom lip. She pressed her lips together and touched the tip of her pinkie to the corners of her mouth then dragged her finger down her philtrum to emphasise the bow. She made a moue of satisfaction at her "reflection". The screen tilted. She glanced up and Megamind's gaze was fixed on her mouth.

"Almost done," she said, scrabbling for the eyeliner pencil, his eyes snapped back to hers. The stash bag is small, everything fits perfectly when she's organised, but his eyes are distracting, brilliant green burning like acid. He looked away at a pile of cleaning rags and cursed.

"I was going to gag you" she followed his gaze to the rags.

"Absolutely fucking not." she glowered, "Those things are disgusting."

"Its what they would have done. You need a reason to not have been screaming"

"You told me they were idiots"

"Even idiots use common sense"

"Well you should've told me before I put the lipstick on!"

Bright green flashed, "But you make just-been-kidnapped-look so chic Miss Ritchi"

"Ugh!" she dragged the zip of her bag shut and yanked at the decorative sash on her dress. "Use this then," he glanced down then up in alarm as she jerked the sash free from her waist, but the hook holding her dress closed stayed in place. She bundled the tie into his hands and slid her phone back into her pocket. 

He stared at it for a moment, then shook himself and wound the tie around his fingers, snapping it tightly. "Open," he ordered. Roxanne bared her teeth, then opened her mouth. He laid the sash across her open mouth and wound it gently around her head, "Bite down."

Her teeth clicked together through the cloth and she made it clear with her eyes exactly how unimpressed she was with this idea. He glared back and pulled the tie away from her face again "Open up,"

She was tempted to hold on out of spite but she didn't want this thing in her mouth anyway, she spat the tie back out. 

"Changed your mind?" Dark rose lipstick smeared the white piping on the sash edges. Megamind let it fall loosely against her neck and tied a rapid knot at the back of her throat.

"No point making you uncomfortable Miss Ritchi, at least it will look like you got yourself half free," He hooked two fingers into the loop around her neck and tugged to check the tension. Roxanne hadn't been expecting that. She jerked forward and stumbled against his chest, his hands gripped her arms. The extension cord still looped around his arm slid down and knocked a metal spray bottle onto the floor. It clattered loudly.

They both froze. His hands tightened on her shoulders. They waited, five...six...seven breaths but no alarm rang, no feet tramped outside the door.

"I don't think anyone heard" he murmured, eyes still locked on hers. She stared at him, his eyes were hypnotically green in the dim light. His eyeliner was smeared she noticed distantly. 

Eyeliner...

Shit. 

She jumped back and his hands released. She fumbled with her eyeliner. Her stash bag dangled from her wrist as she pulled the lid from the pencil.

She pulled at her cheek, trying to match the pencil to the crease, "Dammit, should have done this first." 

"Allow me," a gloved hand lifted the pencil from her fingers and tilted her face up to the light, "Upper or lower?"

"Both. full upper, half lower"

"Close your eyes." 

She did, letting him guide her face with the hand cradling her chin. She felt two smooth flicks over her upper lids.

"Open." She obeyed. He was looking at her with a focused intensity, his fingers moved to press gently on her cheeks, "Look up." She fixed her gaze on the top of the smooth blue dome of his head as the pencil traced her eye lines, "Done."

She blinked and looked down. His eyes were locked on hers, her chin still held in his long fingers. His thumb was grazing slowly along the edge of her jaw, seemingly unconsciously.

The air in the tiny room was hot and still.

Roxanne forgot how to breathe.

The silence lasted too long, she blinked.

"You um," she gestured at the pencil in his hand, "Did you want to do yours?"

"Ah...yes," he dropped her chin like he'd been burned. He lifted the eyeliner to his right eye and outlined it in two smooth movements, then he transferred the pencil to his left hand and repeated the motion. 

Roxanne stared, "You're teaching me how to do that."

"Some other day perhaps Miss Ritchi," he tucked the pencil back into the bag and zipped it shut. He guided her hands in front of her and started looping the electrical cord around her wrists.

He tugged the cord and stepped back, "Can you get out of these if you need to?"

Roxanne twisted her arms, "Yeah I think so, why"

"Just in case they don't find you" He tapped her nose playfully.

  
"Did you just boop me Mega-" she inhaled the short burst of spray and her eyes rolled back.

  
Megamind caught her as she collapsed, lowering her gently to the floor and resting her head gently on a stack of paper towels "Good luck Miss Ritchi," he murmured, One hand reached out to sweep a hair from her face then pulled back again before it touched her. He disappeared out the door. 

* * *

  
Roxanne woke up seven minutes later and had twisted one arm free of the cable when the police pushed the door open. "Oh hello officers," she said politely.

"Ma'am what happened?"

"I'm not sure. one of them recognised me and shoved me in here, I heard shouting, something about a double-cross and then fighting. I've been trying to get out of here for the last hour."

One of the officers knelt and finished pulling the cord from her wrists, "Are you okay ma'am?"

"I'm," she huffed and pushed away the hands trying to help her up, and stood then gave them her best reporter smile "I'm fine, is there a KCMP van on scene yet? I should go check in."

"Ma'am?" One of the younger officers tried to offer her his arm, she sidestepped him and walked briskly out of the closet towards the elevator, "Ma'am I'm sure you've had a shock, we should really- ma'am?"

"Leave it O'Malley" one of the older officers grunted, stationed by the lift "Miss Ritchi," he nodded as she stopped in front of the lift.

"Can I get out of here Detective Singh?" she fisted her hands on her hips, he hit the elevator button.

"We'll need to take your statement Miss Ritchi," he said as the doors slid open

"That's perfect!" She smiled brightly, "You can do that while I'm giving my report."

She strode into the lift and allowed the detective to follow her, then hit the close doors button against the rest of the trailing officers.

"Unusual to see you in a situation without the blue guy" Singh said casually as the lift started upwards.

"Tell me about it Ajan," Roxanne rubbed her temples, "I'm lucky you found me." She sighed and smiled at him, "How are Fatima and Ravi?"

Detective Ajan Singh perked up at the mention of his family, "They're great, Fatima's started back at work now Ravi's at school, she's started to learn piano,"

"Aww, say hi from me"

"I will Miss Ritchi. We'll still need you at the station later."

"I know." Roxanne pulled the tie from around her neck and blinked at the pink marks. She ducked her head to wrap the tie back around her waist, hiding her red cheeks.  
The doors slid open again and she walked out, two more police tried to stop her, then backed up at Ajan's shaking head

She headed out the doors and down to where she could see Brad and Mike his cameraman "We've just been hearing that the last of the hostages has been found and has been identified as- Roxanne!" He spun around as Mike shifted to catch her in shot. "Hi Brad," she smiled as Mike fumbled to shove the secondary microphone into her hands, "I've just been released by Metro City PD after a group of gunmen wearing bandannas attacked the First Metro City Bank..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go stand in a shower for a minute to really appreciate how small this space is. You're welcome.


	10. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post kidnapping calls are really becoming a thing huh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So between this chapter and the next one things are occasionally going to start getting a little more intense

**_You couldn’t put off the inevitable. Because sooner or later, you reached the place where the inevitable just went and waited._ **  
**_\- Small Gods, Terry Pratchett_ **

Later, much later, that evening Roxanne's phone still hadn't rung. She contemplated her options for a moment then pulled her lilac dressing gown around her shoulders and made a call, "Hey," she said after the seventh ring.

"Miss Ritchi,"

"What did you find out?"

There was a hiss of frustration, "I'm still working on it. I'll let you know."

"Okay,"

There was an awkward moment of silence while Roxanne filled her kettle, eventually Megamind spoke again, "It sounds as though you returned home safely Miss Ritchi,"

"Eventually. I only got home an hour ago."

"Why so late?"

"Work. I had to give my statement at the station, then I had to check in with Wayne."

"Did he apologise for leaving you trapped with a supervillain in the middle of a bank heist."

"You didn't come up at all," Roxanne sighed, "He dug thirty four people and six bodies out of a building today." 

"Oh."

"Yeah, one of them was a seventeen year old apprentice. He's taking it pretty hard. We had to call his mother in to get him home."

"That's an awful thing to happen." Megamind was silent for a while. "I should probably cancel our plans for this week."

Roxanne was surprised, "You would?"

"I wouldn't wish that experience on anyone Miss Ritchi, including my sworn nemesis."

"I mean I'm sure he'd appreciate it but the city's still going to call on him anyway. He's going to spend all week getting cats down from trees or pulling more bodies out of rubble."

"There is an SES in this city for a reason Miss Ritchi."

"The hero has a hero complex, who knew?"

"Well it was a thought. Perhaps I'll push back until Thursday then."

"Yeah maybe." Roxanne leaned against her kitchen cabinet, "Tell you what, I'll keep an eye on him and if I think he needs to get out of his head space I'll let you know."

"You are not the one in charge here, Miss Ritchi," he said warningly

"You owe me a story." She smiled a little, "Don't make me use the voice."

He growled against her ear, "I will inform you as soon as I know anything. If you want to pull your do-gooder boyfriend out of his depressive state give me a couple of hours notice and we can be out causing havoc."

"Oh so you get two hours notice" she rolled her eyes.

"Evil means do as I say not as I do. Though regretfully your own involvement may not be required."

"No fun if I know you're coming?"

"From your behaviour today I've realised I clearly need to damselproof the Lair a little more thoroughly."

"Oh that's no fun."

"Being kidnapped is not meant to be fun for you Miss Ritchi,"

"And that's why you'll never get me to scream."

"Is that so?"

"Screaming is for fun things"

"I'll do my best to work paragliding in some week for you"

"Could you turn the bots into a giant rollercoaster? That could be entertaining," she suggested, amused.

"Don't give them ideas" he muttered darkly and she heard the sound of his slouching into his chair.

Roxanne carried her peppermint tea over to the couch, "What did you do with Jeb? Thanks for getting me away from his grabby hands by the way"

"Please Miss Ritchi," he sidestepped the question, "What kind of supervillain would I be if I let just anyone handle my damsel?"

"Mm," Roxanne hummed and decided she'd find out soon enough once she got the rest of the story, "You did a good job on my eyeliner too."

"I am a villain of many talents." He paused, "I appreciate your discretion regarding my involvement today."

"Yeah well Brad was first on scene, what kind of journalist would I be if I let just anyone report on my supervillain?"

He gave a low chuckle, "At least you didn't need to be on site for the building collapse. Do they know who the property belonged to?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Your nosy reporter skills are second to none Miss Ritchi,"

"Worried its one of yours?"

"I know exactly where my properties are, the closest building I own in that area is on Chase Street."

"Chase Street?" Chase Street was mostly industrial though there were a few small shops including a real estate office next to a coffee shop where she had met Lady Scott to get Wayne home. Come to think of it... "Azure Tenancies, seriously?"

"Are you implying blue isn't my colour?"

"How do you even own that many buildings?" Azure Ten had eleven apartment buildings in total, usually in lower income areas, but they had a reputation for having the best maintenance and rent was cheap and they willingly rented to ex cons. And now that she knew that...

She could hear his smugness echoing down the line, "Ah now that would be telling..."

"Do you want to know who owned the collapsed building?" she asked sweetly.

"Do you know?"

"I do, as a matter of fact. I know all the major real estate holdings in the city thanks to that court ruling with the Landlords Act."

"Yes that was a pity. Who is it then?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"I want to ensure I'm not using the same contractors. A building doesn't just fall apart without reason."

"Fair enough, it belonged to Dexcore."

"Of course it did," he sighed and Roxanne's skin prickled with the memory of cool air rushing over her throat, "I'll be in touch when I know more Miss Ritchi."

"Don't keep me waiting"

"Bossy damsel." He hung up.

Roxanne laid her phone beside her and sipped her tea, contemplating her day and her unusual status as exclusive kidnapee There was an entire Doom Syndicate in Metro City, including some fairly heavy hitters that would be considered major villains anywhere else. Even as unofficial damsel she should be picked up by at least a couple of them every now and again. The fact was it had been four years since anyone had even tried. Who was it? The thing with the Conductor? Wayne had shown up after about five minutes, she hadn't even heard about whatever plan he was attempting before she was back in Metro Square doing the post rescue interview. Come to think of it she had been fairly certain the Conductor had left town afterwards. Idly she wondered if he'd set up anywhere else.

Unlikely, she decided finally, finishing her tea. There would be some mention if he had been. She stood and stretched, rubbing gently over the bruise on her rib from the gun earlier. She looked forward to hearing just what the colourful cowboys had thought they were doing. There was a story there, she could let Brad get away with first on scene for the chance to break into something a little juicier...

Roxanne put herself to bed and dreamed of being pinned by black leather and spikes. Of a thumb grazing her jaw and brilliant green eyes that burned. In the dream she didn't blink, instead she swayed towards him and his mouth crashed into hers.

In the dream they are still behind the desk and those idiots are shouting in the background and they have to be so, so quiet as he slowly pulls the tie of her dress open, laving his tongue along her throat to bite at her breast through the black lace of her bra. In the dream she sucks his fingers into her mouth and he hisses her name over her throat as he pins her with his hips.

Roxanne gasped and woke up, wanting desperately. She bit her lip in the dark and slid her fingers under her pyjamas. She felt swollen and hot and she let the memory of his arm trapping her against him, the acid rage in his eyes, the wicked smirk he told her to make a distraction run through her mind. She pressed two fingers inside herself and then a third, curling inside and rolling her palm over her clit, but it inst enough. She ran her fingertips lightly over the tip of the breast she dreamed of him biting, then dug her nails in. She gasped in relief as her orgasm crashed through her.

Sleep isn't far behind.

When her alarm screams the next morning she doesn't remember waking at all. 


	11. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megamind takes his revenge...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this first part is a little violent, if you have issues with drowning you might want to skip to the first page break. Supervillains are not nice people.

_**“The press waited. It looked now like a great big beast. Soon he’d throw a lot of words into it. And in a few hours it would be hungry again, as if those words had never happened. You could feed it, but you could never fill it up.”** _   
_**― Terry Pratchett, The Truth** _

Megamind contemplated having one of the aquatic bots swim the cube containing Jeb down to the bottom of the lake in a ziplock bag and having it ripped open at half a mile below the surface.

But the sheer fury rioting in his limbs at the sudden shock of seeing ~~Roxanne~~ Miss Ritchi, she is Miss Ritchi, in the grip of that pathetic excuse for a bank robber demanded something a little more personal.

Hovering above the lake a few miles from shore astride the hoverbike, Megamind dropped the cube into the placid surface.

"Aaargh!" Jeb screamed, rehydrating back into full size as he hit the water, "The fucking heck?" The water is calm enough in this area of the lake that Megamind doesn't have to hover too high for conversation and he's able to lean down to glare at the drenched man treading water crudely.

"You made a mistake Jeb," he crooned, "You made a very, very bad mistake. As a matter of fact I really must impress on you just how badly you've screwed up the rest of your remarkably limited remaining lifespan."

"What'd I do?" Jeb coughed as a small wave smacked him in the face, "Oh shit you're that blue guy!"

"You may call me Overlord,"

"Yeah right" Jeb coughed and bobbed in the water, "What the hell is going on? Where're the rest of the boys?"

"Oh no I'm afraid its just you and me" Megamind gave him a feral grin, drifting further away from Jeb's attempts to spit lakewater at him.

"You cant just leave me here!" The would-be bandit paddled in a frantic circle, searching for land or a boat, some sign of help.

"Why not?"

"We're both bad guys, we gotta stick together!"

"Is that what you think?" He bit out "I have more in common with an overdue parking ticket than I do with your miserable attempt at villainy. We might as well" Megamind's face twisted with vicious delight, "be from different planets!"

"But I broke parole to get here!" Jeb hacked and spat more water "I can't get caught!"

"Oh can't you?" Megamind jerked his head behind him, "Then shore is that way. Good luck." He gunned the engine and started circling higher.

"Come back!"

Megamind swerved sharply and sent a wave of spray over Jeb. Leaning over the side of the bike he cackled gleefully at the sodden man.

"I'm back!" The cackling stopped "Would you like to hear about the mistake you made now Jeb? 

"It was just a bank!"

"The bank was a waste of everybody's time," the Overlord of Metrocity glared, "Including mine. Your mistake was in touching what is off limits. Something you and everyone in that idiotic little group of bandits would have known had you thought to check in with oh _anybody_ in my city."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Black dress? Blue eyes? Reckless approach to her own safety?"

"You mean the stuck up bitch?" For a man three miles from shore with no lifejacket Jeb was doing a remarkable job of killing himself faster than the water would. "Why do you care? She was asking for it."

The would be bandit found himself jerked half out of the lake and drawn close to a knife sharp smile, "Do you want to find out how many of your bones I can break dropping you back in the water from half a mile up?"

Jeb spat and pulled his other hand still holding the pistol up, firing wildly. Megamind threw him back in the water. A lucky shot caught the side of the hoverbike and smoke poured out with an ominous roar. Megamind kicked off and dove into the water as it exploded above them.

He should be furious about the loss of the bike. But he can make another.

Instead, as soon as the water closed over his head he ripped his mantle off and _finally_... He'd been holding still and waiting and gripping his very last shred of self control with his teeth from being trapped in that small dark space with her and her ridiculous lack of fear and the feel of her pressed against him and that fucking idiotic thing with the eyeliner she had _no idea_ what kind of danger she was in she is so completely _reckless_. But now there's prey struggling in the water and he is burning with rage so deeply he's surprised the water isn't boiling around him. Jeb screamed again as he was pulled under the surface and the hand that had been holding the gun is suddenly broken in three places.

Its harder to punch someone under water unless you can hit very very hard. 

Luckily for Megamind he could.

Unluckily, he was in his full suit so he couldn't get enough water into his gills or through his spiracles so was forced to stay close enough to the surface to breathe.

Jeb was blubbering and pleading and had lost two teeth by the time the coastguard boat was cruising towards them, drawn by the explosion and wreckage of the hoverbike around them. Megamind lifted the wannabe bank robber's head above water, "Do you see that?" he wrenched Jeb's head around to look at the approaching boat, "There is your salvation," he hissed.

Jeb moaned in pain, clutching at his broken hand, "You bastard! I'll tell them you did this!"

Megamind laughed, it was not a nice sound, "Do you really think they can stop me?"

He pushed Jeb's head under the water one more time for good measure then dove deep to pull his outer suit off and begin the long swim back to the Lair.

* * *

Roxanne didn't hear from Megamind for the rest of the week. Lady Scott stepped up to the plate and made sure Wayne never spent more than two hours at the collapsed building site and Roxanne managed to wrangle him into a superhero day kindergarten appearance where he let a very large group of sticky shrieking five year olds climb all over him until his smile reached his eyes again. 

Roxanne worried about Wayne sometimes. He was no good at saying no to people. 

She was sitting at work reviewing the details of a followup series she was planning to pitch to Max about the asylum seeker interviews she'd done two years ago when her email alert popped up with its little payday fanfare.

Roxanne clicked on the alert and blinked at her payslip. That wasn't right. Frowning she got up and headed down the stairs to payroll.

"Hey Jean, got a minute?" she asked politely knocking at a cubicle wall.

Jean looked at her over steel rimmed glasses, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah," Roxanne pulled her payslip up to her phone, "I was short-paid for last week."

Jean peered at the screen then turned to her own computer and typed for a moment, "Oh no you were paid correctly, you had a half day on Monday."

"Monday," Roxanne stared, "I was in the middle of a bank heist."

"Oh yes but you weren't there reporting or in damsel capacity so its been deducted as non work hours."

"But I reported as soon as I was released?"

"I know and you did get paid for that but Brad was already on scene so he got first reporter rates." Jean smiled at her with the smile of a woman who knows exactly how every penny is accounted for and each one was already in its correct place. "Its all perfectly normal."

"But I'm missing half a days pay."

"You could put in an application to have some of your leave paid out?"

"But this wasn't my fault."

"Well why don't you put in to have it covered under your damsel insurance?"

"Jean I don't have damsel insurance. "

"Well I'm sorry Roxanne but that's really on you." Jean sighed at her look, "I tell you what," she leaned forward, "If you get the story about their charges written first I'll see about making up some of the shortfall in article fees."

"I-" Roxanne's shoulders slumped, "Thanks for explaining it to me."

Roxanne lived comfortably on her salary. Even as an unofficial damsel the city gave her a small stipend each year which offset some of her rent (most cities were aware of the issues of having a damsel with housemates could cause). But she spent a lot of money on upkeep in a professional capacity and missing half a days pay was more concerning than it might have been to someone who didn't have to replace their work shoes in triplicate.

She headed back to her desk, typing on her phone along the way, _I deeply regret not letting you get caught for sloppy villainy_

The response pinged as soon as she sat down. **What happened to not wanting to get caught for sloppy journalism?**

_Sloppy journalism is still paid journalism. I need the details so I can get a story out and get paid._

**I'll have something for you tonight**

* * *

Confederate bandanna had been next to useless. A crime of opportunity. They'd been an hour out of town planning when they saw Metro Man on the news digging through the collapsed building. What confused him was how Metrocity of all places was where they had chosen to commit their attempted crime. Three of them had crossed four state lines to get here. The bank simply didn't have anything significant enough to be worth stealing. All they were after was enough money to set them up for life somewhere with no extradition laws. Any bank in any city they passed through on the way would have done. He had only bothered to go check himself because it was so unusual no one had informed him.

However it turned out, someone from Destruction Worker's crew had seen them and had failed to call it in. Megamind went down himself to have some very stern words with the witnesses in question.

Apparently they'd thought it was a joke.

"You heard," he growled, slamming a very frightened man into a shipping container "A date, a time, a location and a target and you didn't think to at least raise it as a point of interest?"

The man in question choked and gasped pathetic apologies and even with Deacon standing uncomfortably behind Megamind, arms shifting in his power drill prosthetics, he knows no help is coming.

Megamind leaves a weeping mess slumped against a wall and not even Deacon will raise his head enough to meet his eyes by the time he leaves.

He doesn't need them to like him, they just need to fear him. And more to the point they need to do their fucking jobs.

* * *

The lift was out when Roxanne got back from work. She stared in dismay at the out of order sign and looked pleadingly at Carlos.

"I already called them Miss Ritchi," the doorman said helplessly, "They told me they can get someone out tomorrow, Wednesday at the latest."

"Fu-aar out" Roxanne cut herself off as one of her second floor neighbours walked by with their three year old. She groaned and headed for the stairs.

Her phone rang on the eighth floor landing, "Hi," she gasped.

"Ol- are you alright?"

"I think I'm dying," Roxanne slumped into the wall and slid down to sit on the top step.

"What? Where are you? Are you on your way to the hospital?" Megamind demanded

"Huh?" she rested her head on the cool metal of the handrail and tried to regulate her breathing. "No, the lifts out, I'm on the-" she looked up at the door behind her, "Eighth floor. Fuck."

"Why aren't you using the service lift?"

"That's busted too. Been out for months"

"That is a fire hazard Miss Ritchi. Why hasn't it been fixed?" his voice was a low growl. Roxanne arched her neck to rest the other side of her forehead against the metal bar.

"Landlord Satan. I'm pretty sure I've told you that before." She looked up at the long stretch of stairs ahead of her and groaned, "Fuck it, I live here now."

"I'll make a note next time I send Minion to pick you up."

"Did you call just to laugh at my misfortune?"

"No but it is a delightful addition to our conversation. I have the details from certain interlopers if you're still interested."

"Shit yes." Roxanne hauled herself back onto her feet, "Give me an hour,"

"An hour?"

"This is a really echo-ey stairwell and I want a shower."

"...very well. An hour."

"Great, bye" Roxanne hung up and started climbing again.

Megamind hesitated over the key that would send the data packet to Miss Ritchi. He'd just planned to send it to her, but she might be offended if she knew he knew her personal email address. He huffed in irritation and directed a couple of the maintenance bots to pay a visit to a certain address while he waited. 

* * *

Megamind ended the second call feeling significantly wrung out. She had been entirely ruthless. Demanding to know how he knew, what he'd found out himself, who she could chase down for followup questions. She'd put him on hold for ten minutes while she read through the datapack then came back with more questions about who and where and why them? Why Metro? Why that bank in particular? Who suggested it to them? All questions he had been trying to confirm himself. It was frustrating to feel like the uninformed party but Miss Ritchi had apparently taken it as a challenge. 

"I'm beginning to see why you scare people Miss Ritchi" he said once she had settled down into typing up her notes while he waved a batch of brain-bots into spirals and flocking shapes around the lair.

"Yeah, whatever." She snorted, "Did you find out where they planned this or not? Three of them are connected but Green and Blue popped up out of nowhere. Who the hell Craigslists for a bank robbery?"

"I'm less concerned about how they found one another than I am why they came all the way to my city." 

"Mm...If they're as dumb as they seemed in the bank there's no way they should have been able to organise themselves well enough to get that far across country."

"I make it a point never to underestimate stupidity"

"There's stupidity and there's incompetence. Someone was directing them up until they took a chance while Wayne was busy." She hummed thoughtfully, "I wonder if someone else was after something in the bank?"

"If there was anything of real value in there I would know about it"

"Of value to you maybe...I might arrange a follow up interview with the manager"

"You really think that little man knows something I haven't been able to find out?"

"Who says he realises the information is relevant?" Roxanne sounded amused, "Stick to supervillainy genius. Leave the muck-raking to the professionals" He could hear her tying rapidly, sounding terrifyingly gleeful as she muttered about external interference and power plays.

"Why didn't that feel like a compliment?" He waved the bots back to the hive and stretched out with his feet on his desk.

"You can take it as one if you like" she replied glibly, then "Ooh rapsheets."

"You seem a good deal more invested in finding out the backstory of a group of incompetent morons than you are in getting paid Miss Ritchi."

"I'd rather not make a habit of it but what can I say? Looks like you gave me something to sink my teeth into after all."

"I'm delighted that someone got something out of this fiasco" he muttered, she laughed.

"Leave it with me," she said confidently, "I'll have the first article written up tomorrow and see if anyone has it pulled."

"Is one article going to be enough to cover your lost income? And why do you want to see if its pulled?"

"Its going to tell us who doesn't want this story out. If they really are as dumb as they looked I'll get paid, and if there was someone else involved I'll have a lead. I'll still be able to bill for it either way. Are they still in town?"

"They've already been extradited back to their respective jurisdictions for the most part. They had a number of outstanding arrest warrants between them."

"Oh good."

"Relieved they wont be interfering in your day any further?"

"If they were important enough someone would have tried to keep them around. I don't care what they do as long as its not suing me for slander."

"You aren't concerned about them?" 

Two had left the city in traction. A fairly restrained result given how honest Megamind had been about his connections in the local jails. 

"Why would I care? You've given me a _story_ Megamind" She purred the words straight down his spine like an electric current, "I want to know what else is going on" 

"This is a one time deal Miss Ritchi" He said warningly, slouching further in his chair to press his back against the seat, "Not to be repeated".

"Sure it is" Roxanne gave the kind of giggle that had it been heard by anyone who didn't tie her up on a regular basis there would have been concerned looks, careful backing away and perhaps mentions of safety harnesses. "I'm going to make Brad so annoyed" she sounded delighted by the idea.

"You're enjoying this." He accused.

"You had your fun with them already, its my turn to play" she hummed happily, "I'll let you know what comes of it when I see you next. Wednesday right?"

"Don't be nosy."

"But I'm so good at it!"

"I look forward to reading your banned materials Miss Ritchi"

"Uh-huh, say hi to Minion for me. Bye!"

Megamind slumped in his chair and gripped the back of his neck, feeling the strongest urge for a cigarette.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its a good thing these two are made for each other, otherwise they'd be an unholy terror inflicted on anybody else


	12. Melting Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tea with Topsy Round Two. And details of damselling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Two chapters within a week?

_**Granny Weatherwax - who had been watching from a discreet distance - said, in an amiable voice: ‘You haven’t got the morals of a cat, Gytha Ogg.’** _   
_**'Now, Esme, you know that’s not true.’** _   
_**'All right. You have got the morals of a cat, then.’** _   
_**'That’s better.’ - Lords and Ladies, Terry Pratchett** _

The next Tea With Topsy brought Minion, Megamind and a variety of melting moments. 

Roxanne's phone rang, she glanced at the name on the screen then shrugged, letting it ring out. "Not important Miss Ritchi?" Minion asked from his side of the table, marking down details of Roxanne's shooting schedule for the new building opening at Metro City University. 

"Its just Sam," Roxanne nibbled on a yo-yo, "If its important she'll call back."

"Sam?" Megamind asked from the couch with Roxanne's copy of Lords and Ladies. Where he had once again been banished under the understanding he was only allowed to stay so long as he remained quiet and didn't interrupt every five minutes or Roxanne would throw him off the balcony.

It was a work in progress. Roxanne figured she had a fifty-fifty chance of pushing off the fifth floor fire escape at least. Minion seemed entirely too calm about the prospect for Megamind's liking.

"Sam Buchard,"

"The Defenders Damsel representative?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "I'm unofficial, not a pariah."

The phone rang again, Roxanne frowned and held up a hand and answered, "Hey Sam,"

"Roxanne hey, how are you?"

"Good?" Roxanne responded suspiciously, "What's up?"

"I cant just check in?" Sam asked hopefully

"Is that what this is?" Roxanne tucked her foot under her leg and straightened.

"You caught me." The other woman sighed, "I just ran an orientation for a new group and I'm feeling old and jaded and a little salty."

"And you wanted my vinegar to make you feel better." Roxanne laughed, relaxing slightly.

"They're just so young!" Sam vented, "Its all 'what kind of sponsorship deals should I be getting' or 'what if I get rescued by the wrong hero?' what happened to professionalism?"

"I am hardly the best person to be asking that." Roxanne cast a fond look at Minion, "I didn't even do any of the orientation stuff"

"No you just got yourself snatched before we even knew how much of an event Metro City was going to be and you ran with it."

"As if I was going to give up that kind of boost to my ratings" Roxanne enjoyed being a thorn in the Defenders Council side on occasion, they were far too stodgy. She couldn't imagine actually trying become a damsel nowadays with all the rules and limits on press releases, really she was lucky she just happened to be on scene when she was the first time Megamind threatened her. There was a lot more fun to be had in the grey spaces. "You get too caught up with the rules Sam"

"Don't make me audit you" Sam tried to threaten, Roxanne grinned, "You cant do tha-at" she sang, "I'm not officia-al" she winked at Minion who grinned at her.

"I know you're not. You're half the reason we have to run don't talk to the press without clearance reminders every six months."

"I am?" Roxanne was delighted, "I'm not that much trouble am I?" 

"You are" came a villainous mutter from her couch. Minion handed Roxanne a small square of notepaper which she scrunched up and threw towards her lounge.

"Honestly Sam, if its that bad you should just throw the handbook at them and run."

"Oh sweet Jesus the fucking handbook." the representative groaned

"No literally, get the hardcover version and aim for the head, you might knock some sense into them"

"I doubt it," Sam muttered, "You should see the newbie they have in Boston right now."

"Really? How bad is it?"

"She's nineteen."

Roxanne dropped her pen, "The fuck? How?"

Megamind sat up and sent her a questioning look, she scribbled 19yo Damsel onto a scrap of paper and held it up. A look of revulsion flashed across his face.

"She's unofficial."

"Shit. Is she okay?"

"She's a precocious little insta-brat who's going to get herself killed trying to take a selfie on top of a building."

"As part of a kidnapping or..."

"Por que no los dos? Anyway, you should talk to her" 

Oh now the call made sense.

"Me?" Roxanne whined, "I hate the mentoring shit, Sam. I'm terrible at it. Why me?"

"You're old guard, and you're still unofficial. The Defenders won't sign her until she's twenty one."

"She's got powers?"

"Ultra minor glamour, not even enough to hold for more than a hour. Daddy couldn't buy her into the Glamazons"

"No shit, those women are terrifying. Why isn't she looking at some of the other programs then? Don't the Young Idols have an open spot?"

"Not high profile enough"

"Oh, one of _those_." Roxanne grimaced "So how does that make her my problem?"

"C'mn Rox, she's an influencer, you're in the media...you two speak the same language..."

"Sam we really don't."

"Please? I'll owe you a favour." 

Roxanne hesitated, "A favour?"

"A favour" Sam confirmed.

"How big?"

"Anything below hiding a body"

Fuck. Roxanne was a sucker for a good favour, and Sam had a lot of pull. She sucked a breath in between her teeth, "Fine." she groaned, "Send me her number."

"You're the best Rox" Sam rang off and Roxanne's phone chirped with the details, she rubbed her forehead, "Nineteen, fucking hell."

"That seems very young," Minion said cautiously.

"It is," Roxanne responded skimming through the bio Sam had sent, "You guys didn't kidnap me until I was twenty-two."

"We might be evil but we have standards." Megamind said loftily, book laid over the back of the couch as he refolded the paper projectile. "Isn't there a Damsel's Union to handle this?"

"There should be," Roxanne responded absently, "Some sign up under the Sidekick's agreement with the Defenders but its really not designed for noncombatants. Most don't stick around more than three years anyway." she stared a little at the pictures on the screen and made a sound of disgust, "Okay, here we go." 

"You're going to call her now Miss Ritchi?" Megamind asked, carrying Lords and Ladies over to the table to take the last salted caramel melting moment. He set a tiny origami octopus on the table in its place.

Roxanne raised her eyebrows, "She doesn't know the next time she's getting kidnapped" Megamind hesitated then allowed the hit with the hand holding the biscuit, "Touche"

Roxanne stole it from his fingers and stood up, "Be right back," she slipped out of the room and onto the balcony.

Megamind blinked down at his suddenly empty fingers then looked at Minion, "Was she always such a sneak?"

"I don't think she'd appreciate me answering that Sir" sighed Minion who was better acquainted with Roxanne's particular brand of chaos from several months worth of random asides such as "I had to hide in a kitchen cabinet for six hours after the guy from the Russian mob I was tailing saw me at the restaurant" or "That was after I broke my collarbone trying to jump off the fire escape" or "It wasn't a proper hang-gliding school, but we didn't die so..."

Minion had significant concerns about Miss Ritchi's attitude towards her own wellbeing at times. Really it was no wonder she always looked so unconcerned when she could see all the deathtraps were calibrated to miss by inches.

"Hi Macailah," Roxanne's professional tone filtered through the open door, "Roxanne Ritchi from Metro City, I heard you're new to the damsel scene....yes Sam Buchard passed on your number...no this isn't for an interview...yes I'm sure..." she frowned and looked left, "Of course I understand but...that's not the reason I'm calling today...no I really just...no I do know...I don't think I'm the right person to be advising on the best hashtag for a kidnapping..." she rolled her eyes and walked back to the balcony door, "Sorry" she mouthed, sliding the door shut, "Yes I am a damsel...no I...sponsorship deals are not my forte...what else are you..."

Minion and Megamind watched as Roxanne paced back and forth across her balcony trying to interrupt what was obviously a very involved if one sided conversation. At one point she pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at it incredulously, "No!" she cried, audible even through the double glazing, then she stuck the phone back to her ear and resumed pacing.

"I might make some more coffee Sir," Minion stood up, "It looks like Miss Ritchi might need it."

"Agreed," Megamind watched Roxanne push her hair away from her face and cast her eyes towards the sky, "I'm exhausted just watching."

Minion made coffee (apparently Roxanne kept her good coffee beans in the freezer), Megamind stayed leaning against the kitchen bench, reading and glancing at Miss Ritchi's pacing form. 

* * *

"Okay, nope, no thank you Macailah...no this isn't a number I can share...goodbye" Roxanne hung up and resisted the urge to beat her head against a wall. Then looked at the two guests she'd left awkwardly waiting by her dining table. She pulled the door open and walked briskly over to Megamind, who jerked his eyes up from her book. She gripped his upper arms (the only place without spikes) and looked him in the eye. "I want you to know," she said very seriously, "From the very bottom of my heart, just how much I appreciate how incredibly intelligent you are."

Before he could react she whirled away and around the table to rest her palms on Minion's shoulders, "And Minion, you are a wonderful henchfish and your professionalism does you credit." Minion started, then fluttered awkwardly, "Thank you Miss Ritchi, that's very kind of you."

She smiled and patted his shoulders. Then she pulled her phone out and dialled again, "Sam? Its done. And that favour?" she dropped her head back and closed her eyes "Its gonna be a big one."

"Bad?" Sam's voice asked nervously.

"Worse. I could feel my brain leaking out my ears talking to her."

Sam sighed, "I could try to get her into a cadetship with the Young Defenders" she said in the tones of someone who really doesn't want to have to try.

"I don't care what you do. I tried and she is not my problem." Roxanne said ruthlessly, "Though honestly, throw her at whichever teen hero is trying to break their kid next door image. She's going to wind up in the tabloids anyway, someone might as well get some use out of the impending disaster."

"Thanks Rox, I owe you one,"

"A big one" Roxanne reminded her and hung up. She switched the phone to silent and rubbed her temples, "Ugh, save me from idiots." 

Behind her, Megamind was clutching at the kitchen bench trying not to have a heart attack. _From the bottom of her heart...incredibly intelligent_...does she have any idea what she just said?

Roxanne dropped back into her chair and picked up her pen, "That is the extent of the stupidity I am prepared to put up with today."

This was very unfortunate for Megamind as the chair had caught the back of her shirt and he could see a sliver of hip and there merest inch of her lower back and he suddenly understood the phrase brain leaking out your ears all too well.

Roxanne twisted around and looked at him still hovering behind her "You good?" she raised her eyebrows.

He snapped out of his daze, "No Miss Ritchi, I'm evil" he gave her a practised smirk, hoping his ears weren't bright purple.

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "Are you going to loom there all day or am I throwing you off the balcony?"

"Going, going" he unclenched his fingers from the bench and ~~stumbled~~ strolled back over to the couch, falling back onto it with a flump and tried not to press his hands over where hers had rested and grin in a manner completely unbefitting the criminal genius Overlord of an entire city.

"Sixth floor" she sang threateningly. 

"Have to catch me first," he sang back.

She threw a chocolate biscuit at him.

Unseen by either of them Minion rolled his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are all Minion


	13. Hurt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't always go to plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I may have forgotten to add angst to the tags? Not sure how I managed that because I was sure they were in there initially so sorry for surprise angst

_**“Vimes woke in damp and utter darkness with sand under his cheek. Some parts of his body reported for duty, others protested that they had a note from their mother.”** _   
_**― Terry Pratchett, Snuff** _

Megamind's latest plan had not gone well. There was a storm brewing and his head had been spacey with the barometric changes. Miss Ritchi had swapped her lunch break unexpectedly so she was hangry which was always a fucking delight. And Metro Man apparently took issue with the sound from the Decebelian Decimators and threw Megamind into a building hard enough that the last thing he saw was the shocked look on Miss Ritchi's face when the wall came down on top of him. 

He woke up in prison two days later with the Warden looking down on him in disappointment. "I thought you were better than this Blue" he sighed

"Gwha?" Oh great he'd let himself dry out too much. That felt unpleasant. Warden shook his head and held out a cup with a straw. Megamind drained half of it then nodded and Warden poured the rest down the collar of his jumpsuit. Megamind gasped as the water soaked over the fragile edges of his gills. Oh sweet blessed H2O.

"What happened? Did anything-" Was Minion hurt? Was Roxanne okay? They'd been three buildings over but there was something else. Something he was missing. Minion should have a handle on everything else. He'd have broken Megamind out if there was anything big going down. 

"Everyone's fine" the Warden said gruffly. "You broke four ribs and sprained your shoulder. The fish got a message in through I don't want to know who and says no one else was hurt."

Well that was a relief. Megamind shifted in his restraints, the four ribs might be closer to five going by the way his chest was aching.

The warden glared until he stopped moving.

"What?" He snapped, prison suits were scratchy. He should be home in the reef if he wants to heal comfortably. Though the fact that Minion hadn't broken him out yet indicated he was worried enough that he wanted Megamind to stay put and actually heal rather than getting distracted by whatever plan he needed to keep his brain from spiralling down too many paths at once.

The Warden refilled the glass and set it out of reach, "Going to get yourself killed one of these days Blue." he headed for the door, exchanging nods with one of the younger guards who didn't know Megamind as well and had probably been placed under strict orders to refuse any and all gifts, bribes or requests from Metro Cities most notorious criminal.

Megamind rolled his eyes, as if he hadn't heard that for the last seven years running. He was fine, he'd had worse. The only thing he missed this week was...

The post kidnapping call.

Ah.

It had only happened a handful of times. Surely it shouldn't be considered a regular thing.

He should rest and recuperate and not strain anything. 

Megamind smiled at the guard, "Can you bring me my glass please?

He broke out forty five minutes later.

* * *

"Where the hell were you?" It was the middle of the work day but Roxanne picked up on the first ring.

"Jail, Miss Ritchi" he sighed, easing himself onto the low couch hidden behind a bank of Tesla coils in the lair, "Surely you're not surprised."

Was she worried about him?

"Jail I'm used to. You getting flown straight to the prison by Wayne because you wont wake up is not normal!" She sounded angry, the sound of a door slamming behind her.

"Sadly a daring escape is not guaranteed every time."

"You think I don't know that?" she snapped, "You haven't not checked in before. Minion said you'd be fine but..." she trailed off "I got used to talking to you after I guess..."

She'd called Minion to check on him? There was a star in his chest and it was going supernova.

"Why Miss Ritchi I didn't know you cared." he tucked his feet up beside him and beamed.

"You were unconscious when they flew you off! I was-" she huffed impatiently and her voice changed, "Concerned."

"Concerned" he echoed around his grin.

"About the impact to my ratings."

"Of course" His ribs protested his position but he doesn't care, "Please feel free to use your reporterly wiles to convince that airborne imbecile to drop me off at the Lair next time if you are indeed so concerned."

She huffed a small laugh, "Yeah once he stops avoiding me."

"Why would he be avoiding you?"

"After he dropped you off I may have I yelled at him a little." she admitted.

Megamind was shocked. She yelled at Metro Man for him?

Roxanne evidently mistook his silence for disbelief, "...I yelled at him a lot."

Neither of them spoke for a moment.

"Wayne says sorry"

"He does not!" The supernova was suddenly a black hole. Metro Mahn has never apologised for a thing in his life Miss Ritchi should not be lying for him.

"Okay Wayne implied he regretted throwing you so hard," she huffed "I'm extrapolating here. He looked pretty upset when he got back."

"Just regretting he didn't finish me off while he had the chance I'm sure"

"Oh fuck off!" she snapped, "I know when people are lying, its my job. He actually went off script to say this was why it was so important to not underestimate the damage supers can do. Are you happy now?"

"He has a script?"

"Of course he does! If you told him to think on his feet he'd stop to count his toes first!"

Megamind started laughing, "Miss Ritchi please," Oh ow his ribs did not appreciate that "Hearing you say that just made this entire ordeal worth it."

"Worth getting thrown through a building and knocked out for two days?"

"Absolutely. I don't suppose you were recording that?"

"No." there was a low thump as Roxanne hopped up to sit on a table, "Don't scare me like that you idiot."

"I promise next time I break out of prison I'll come straight to you" 

"Ugh, don't do that. Then you'd see how I really live."

"You need a Minion,"

"I do. Does he charge by the hour?"

"More than you could afford Miss Ritchi"

"Damn," she paused and the background noise increased, "Look I gotta go. Take care of yourself okay?"

"No promises."

Megamind stared at his wrist for a moment after she hung up then put his head on his knees, ignoring the twinge of his ribs.

Is he?

Can he have this? He wondered. Talking with Miss Ritchi after the kidnappings? The scheduling...that's for Minion. He might be inviting himself along but he knows he'll never make every session and he's only there at his insistence anyway. 

He's a supervillain, even as Overlord unless he wins against Metro Man (getting less and less likely as evidenced by this most recent disaster) or fakes his own death and disappears his life expectancy is...not long. He has a small island off the coast of Santa Maria supposedly for that exact purpose. Realistically its so Minion has somewhere to go after he inevitably falls. Hopefully the dark side of Metrocity can hold itself together well enough without him. Worst comes to worst Minion knows he can offer Miss Ritchi a haven if the city falls apart. He owes her that much at least. 

He really likes talking to her. 

Oh the kidnappings are far superior of course. He gets to see her in person and dazzle her with his works of mad genius and villainy. But its nice to just hear about her day and the co workers she's annoyed with and to tell her about the games the bots are playing.

He doesn't even think about the bank. He's not even sure what to categorise that as. Take your damsel to work day?

It feels like something for Megamind who isn't the Overlord. Just for Megamind the ~~genius, handsome supervillain pathetic ridiculous alien~~. Just for him.

Its meagre and piteous, but he'll take what he can get.

He wondered at what point Metro Meathead will show up and kick his big blue head in for talking to his girlfriend. 


	14. Dragonfly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genuinely bad bug puns. I'm so sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was originally meant to come after the bank chapters but *vague shrug*

_**“What is your first name, Miss Cripslock?” said Moist.** _  
_**For a moment, the woman coloured. Then she said: “It’s Sacharissa.”** _  
_**“Thank you. I’m Moist. Please don’t laugh. The golems – you’re laughing, aren’t you…”** _  
_**“It was just a cough, honestly,” said the reporter, raising a hand to her throat and coughing unconvincingly.** _  
_**\- Terry Pratchett, Going Postal** _

Roxanne's article about the colourful cowboys wasn't pulled after all. But that wasn't an issue. She made it deliberately light with just enough hints to imply there would be more news forthcoming and set it on the backburner to simmer. Trailing the occasional minor article about who wound up where and how they possibly thought they could get away with robbing the Metro City Bank. It would have been nice to have it all unravelled by the next time she was kidnapped but she was used to letting some of her investigations take months, if not years as she did the day to day performances of on scene reporting. It was one few times she was ever patient about anything. 

For a given value of patience.

She could do with a few less dog and cat show reports but sacrifices did on occasion have to be made. She was on her way to an interview with the dean of the Metro City University about the new building they planned to open when she caught a familiar scent and woke up once again in the Lair. 

She watched Megamind pace towards her out of the shadows and frowned. It had only been ten days. Broken ribs and a sprained shoulder Minion had said. The henchfish hadn't seemed concerned but she watched Megamind get thrown around almost every week. She realised with a certain shock that she didn't actually want to have to finish one of their regular sessions having to report that he wasn't getting back up again.

Wayne was still hiding from her, the coward. He'd known he'd fucked up the second he'd let go and Megamind had gone flying into a brick wall. Bullet resistant armour wasn't worth shit when you have literal tons dropping on you. Wayne had vaporised most of it as it fell but as far as Roxanne was concerned he'd let himself get distracted and she'd reminded him, in as vitriolic tone as possible as he flew her back to the city, that if he couldn't keep up with the showmanship then maybe he needed to go back to those acting classes Lady Scott had signed him up for early on when he couldn't stop putting his foot in his mouth. 

He thought she'd been scared by the proximity of it all but his post rescue speech had been appropriately contrite and he had at least acknowledged that their fights were dangerous and you could never be too careful when facing off against a super. Minion had indicated, once she finally got through to him after half a dozen tries, that Sir would appreciate that footage.

Roxanne shook off her lingering sleepiness and glanced at Minion who gave her a confused look, "Is he okay to be doing this?" 

"Of course Miss Ritchi," a robotic hand patted her shoulder gently, "He's been fine for days. He just had to spend a while setting up for today."

Right. Well she trusts Minion on this. The henchfish had been very protective of his Sir in far less dangerous circumstances so okay, on with the show.

Megamind was waiting at the edge of the shadows, one eyebrow raised, "Worried about me Miss Ritchi? he said silkily, "I'm happy to offer myself for a physical if it would put your mind at ease?"

Never mind. He's fine.

She shrugged casually and changed tack, "You know after the bank I had been wondering why you never tried to take Metro Man out without all the," she cast her eyes around the assorted deathtraps on the battle platform, "Stuff."

There was a blur and he was suddenly at her side, leaning into her space, one hand gripping the back of the chair over her shoulder "You mean like this?"

Roxanne forced herself not to press back into the chair. But something in her face must have showed because he stopped, giving her a flickering uncertain look and she flushed uncomfortably. So he was dangerous. So what? He'd never hurt her. Not in years. He was the one who wound up getting thrown into a building last time. 

Angry at herself for reacting she went on the offensive, "You know Wayne always tells me you're dangerous but I never believed him until I saw you fight in the vault."

"Didn't you?" He stalked back across the room, cloak snapping as he whirled, "Clearly I need to increase the level of threat you are facing Miss Ritchi."

"Going to chase me down yourself rather than have Minion spray me?"

"I think I've already proven I can catch you without any assistance," He flung himself into his chair and smirked at her and oh yes Roxanne remembers those spikes.

"I think already being held at gunpoint would count as some form of aid, wouldn't you?" Roxanne was limited in her options for slouching so she went for an exaggerated shrug.

"Do you want me to untie you and catch you again?" 

"Tempting, but not in these shoes" The heels she had on today were not good for walking, but they worked surprisingly well when for spending half the day tied to a chair.

Megamind threw one leg over the side of his chair and gave her a lazy grin, "Worried you'd lose?"

He can never seem to just sit still. Lounging like a particularly debauched ruler on his throne. _Goblin King_ sang thirteen year old Roxanne in her ear

Needs a crop a slightly older and significantly more troublesome version of Roxanne supplied.

Quiet you two.

She gave him a mild look, "More worried about reacquainting myself with those spikes"

He sat up and frowned, "Did I hurt you?"

"No, but you nearly took my eye out with your collar,"

He relaxed back "Oh but Miss Ritchi you'd look so dashing with an eyepatch!"

"Should have put me on a pirate ship when you had the chance," She tilted her head and looked at him, "So why don't you ever try and take Metro Man out the same way?" She asked curiously. Showmanship is showmanship but she does wonder if he hasn't been holding back. And why?

"I'm fast, Miss Ritchi, not sui-" he cut himself off. "Besides, where would be the fun in a fight too quick for anyone to see and appreciate?"

"You've never heard of a slow-mo replay?"

"I prefer to take my time on things that are worth my while." He leapt up, "Speaking of, its about time that we let your pea-brained paramour know you are missing don't you agree?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, wondering why he still insisted in keeping up that part of the charade without the cameras.

Megamind clapped his hands, "Places everybody!" Brain-bots swarmed around the room, zipping this way and that. One slightly wobbly bot bounced off the doorway attempting to fly out, "Teabag?" Megamind snatched one spiked fin, "What have you? Oh have you been playing in the ga-rage again? What did we say about getting into the WD-40?"

Teabag bowged delightedly, Megamind caught the edge of one claw as the bot attempted to take off upwards again, "No that was not an suggestion, come here!" He hauled the bot down and polished the glowing red lens with a corner of his cape. "Better yes?"

Was that a giggle?

"Good now go back to the roof crew," waving flat claws the bot zipped away

"Teabag?" Roxanne was biting her lip against a smile.

Megamind shrugged, "They name themselves most of the time."

"Evidently, otherwise they'd all have numbers or names like Destructoid the Great and Terrible"

A bot up in the rafters floated down and trilled a query. Megamind glared and pointed at the ceiling, "No she was not calling you, get back up there!" 

That was definitely a giggle.

Megamind folded his arms and raised an eyebrow at his distressingly distressless damsel, "Why do you have to be so much trouble?"

A corner of her mouth quirked up, "Hey you're the one that kidnapped me, that makes me your problem."

"Infuriating damsel,"

"Overly dramatic supervillain."

"You could have just said supervillain, the overly dramatic is implied."

"No it definitely warrants its own" Roxanne tucked her face into her shoulder as she yawned, "mention. Gah sorry"

"Tired Miss Ritchi? Up too late chasing down your next lead?" They had been tweaking the spray formula again, too much valerian?

"No just," she shook herself and blinked at him, "Skipped my afternoon coffee because I was going straight to the university."

"We'll have coffee for you shortly Miss Ritchi" Minion called from across the lair.

"You're my favourite Minion!" Roxanne called back

Megamind glared, "Stop trying to steal my henchfish,"

"Hey I offered to pay him,"

Megamind waved a careless hand, "You still couldn't afford him" Roxanne yawned again, "Make Miss Ritchi's a double Minion!"

"Hm," she blinked at him a couple of times, "Maybe Minion has competition after all,"

He smirked wickedly at her, "Well at any rate I'd hate to think you were bored during your visits,"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "You got me out of an interview with the dean of the university, listening to you is almost a delight,"

"Education is important Miss Ritchi,"

"Of course it is, but the man drones like a hive of bees with no queen."

"Perhaps I should offer to give a guest lecture on villainous monologues"

She grinned at him, "Hey I like the monologue cadence, makes it easier to remember quotes,"

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye then huffed sharply through his nose, "Well as long as you're entertained"

"Depends, did you get me another giant laser again this time?" She looked around curiously.

"Unfortunately Miss Ritchi any and all dangers are aimed squarely in the city today"

"Aw you're no fun."

He gave her a look then gestured for the cameras to blink on so she rolled her eyes and did her best to look unimpressed as the trees that lined Main Street shook and shivered as a cloud of machine parts flew out and combined into a giant insectoid creature that stamped steel legs and roared a gust of flame into the air. 

"Dragonfly?" Roxanne muttered, "Oh my god"

Megamind grinned and turned to the microphone, "Citizens of Metrocity!"

* * *

Roxanne dropped her bag by her door, kicked off her shoes and made a call, "Spanked by the fly swatter of justice was an actual phrase I had to repeat on television today and I blame you entirely."

"What's the matter Miss Ritchi," Megamind laughed "Didn't appreciate your screen time?"

"You could have made that thing look like anything at all!" She slammed her kettle into the sink and started filling it, "You could have made it look like an actual dragon! But no, I had to deal with bug jokes"

"How un-bee-lievably cruel of me" he cackled.

"You are the worst!"

"Why thank you." he sounded flattered, "I must say Miss Ritchi, I thought you did admirably reporting on the fly."

Roxanne shut off the water and pulled a cider out of her fridge instead, chamomile tea was not going to cut it tonight.

"I did not call you for more puns," she growled

"Oh really? Then why did you call?"

Why had she called? Well who else was she going to yell at about this? Wayne was already out for the evening, "To tell you if I get sent insect related paraphernalia for the next week I'm suing you for emotional damages."

"I'd like to see you try," he said smugly.

"You think I cant call on Scott Family lawyers?"

There was a pause, "I wouldn't like to see you try that much."

That's better. Roxanne leaned against her fridge and took a slug of cider, frowning at the smear of scorched dust on her sleeve, "You just had to stick those zappy antennas on the bots didn't you?"

"Of course," he said as though it was obvious "Those were my... _deter-ants_ "

Roxanne took a very deep breath and counted to ten.

Twice.

"Miss Ritchi?"

"I was waiting for crickets."

"And you said you didn't want any more puns," He chuckled low in her ear, "I think I rather like you Miss Ritchi, you're fun."

Roxanne nearly dropped her cider. She was used to being called infuriating, or engaging, or terrifying, or quite a number of adjectives that could also be used to describe Megamind as well come to think about it but fun?

"Wish I could say the same," she countered, pressing her toes into the cold tiles of her kitchen. Wondering at the fact that calling her supervillain serial kidnapper was becoming a regular part of her week.

"Your cruelty wounds me mistress,"

"You would know."

Megamind laughed then yelped as a zap echoed down the line.

"What was that?"

"Some of the bots are quite attached to their antennas" 

Roxanne laughed "Serves you right," she hopped up onto her kitchen bench and swung her feet back and forth sipping at cider.

"Oh you laugh now Miss Ritchi but soon you will fear the great and terrible wrath of my -ow! Boris! What did we say about biting?"

An embarrassed bowg echoed in the background, "Yes you do have very sharp teeth, I know and we- fine! If we play fetch first it might tire you out enough you stop- argh! Not the crowbar!"

"Everything alright?" Roxanne sniggered into her drink.

"Of course Miss Ritchi, I don't know why you'd consider anything less from Megamind Master of all Villainy and capturer of recalcitrant damsels and - yes this one is mine Morris- crowbars!"

He's such a dork. God how is anybody in this city scared of him?

"You're adorable" she said laughing

"Does that make you Moist?

"WHAT?!"

"Wait dammit- no that sounded better in my head- that wasn't what I- oh evil gods what are words?"

Roxanne blinked and made the connection, "Did you just try and make a Discworld joke?"

"I think I fairly conclusively failed at making a Discworld joke Miss Ritchi. Now please let us never speak of my abject failure again."

"You'll really have to be more specific" Roxanne leaned against the cabinets and put her hand over her eyes. How? how does he do this? All leather and evil smirks one minute then flailing Muppet the next.

"Ugh!" He hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really should have planned a naming convention for chapters shouldn't I?


	15. Metro City Spring Festival

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flowers and phone conversations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh look we have an expected number of chapters...that's...that's a lot

The Metro City Spring Festival was a sight to behold. Flowers, food stalls and far more people than usually crowded the Metro City Botanical Gardens. Standing by the podium to announce the opening of the festival, Roxanne had finished filming the mayor's opening ceremony and had moved on to some more interesting questions.

"Tell me Mayor Hanson, with the Renters Association appealing the decision handed down by the judges, how will the Dexcore Conglomerate be responding?"

Mayor Hanson's practised smile dropped from his face, "Well I'm not really here to discuss that today" he sidestepped, looking around to see if anyone else was available he could use as a distraction but KCMP had nabbed the only on podium position available.

Roxanne smiled, "But you do know a number of the major board members, I believe you were even in a fraternity with a couple of them, is that correct?"

Hal had the stairs blocked off with his camera rig, Roxanne is standing directly in front of the only other way off the stage and it would look very suspicious if he either jumps down or pushes her away. They mayor began to look nervous.

"Well that's not city business, its really nothing to do with why we're here toda-"

"But it was your office that supported the Dexcore purchase of the vacant paces that had been set aside for community gardens wasn't it?"

A bright sheen of sweat shone in the midday sun in front of a rather tedious comb over, "Well that's still not-"

Gently, gently, Roxanne let her head tilt in understanding and her smile deepened another millimetre, "It's certainly caught the attention of the local businesses who had been planning to focus on a more community minded area. Has your office spoken with the Small Business Union recently?"  
The mayors assistant was making sharp cutting motions with her hand from off camera, eventually giving up and shoving forward to push Hal out of the way and started directing the Mayor down the steps.

"If you'll excuse me," he pulled on his tie as though it was choking him "I need to get over to the uh- competition winners"

The mayors PA shot her a dirty look as they hurried away.

Hal slid the camera off his shoulder, "And that's a wrap! Want to get some hotdogs? I saw the guy setting up beside the van earlier?"  
Roxanne bit the inside of her cheek, her only concession to not snapping in public, two more minutes and she could have caught a spectacular soundbite for her ongoing coverage of the Renters Association story. "I'm good Hal. Why don't you run the footage back to the office. I'm going to get a few local quotes"

"Sure thing Roxanroonie, I'll have a hotdog waiting for you at your desk,"

"I'll probably be here a while Hal, why don't you just treat yourself." She stepped off the podium before he could grab her arm. Any time she tried to explain the concept of blocking so her goddamn interviewees didn't get away always resulted in Hal attempting those same moves on her and it just wasn't worth the fucking hassle.

Six more months. Six more months and she could earn another merit point back on her licence and then see if she could beg steal or bribe another camera-person to work with once she was allowed to drive the vans again. Preferably someone who didn't leave six day old fries on her seat.

Leaving Hal with the full gear to carry back to the van was rude but she'd lugged it all out while Hal had gotten distracted by the waffle on a stick people so she felt justified in getting the fuck out of there.

She ducked into a crowd of Roller Derby girls all skidding around handing out flyers for their exhibition show later.

"Hey Rocket Rox" A black woman with striped black and green socks greeted her, "Hey Tornadia" she grinned, "How's the crew?"

"Busted bruised and bloody" Nadia proclaimed proudly. Roxanne and Nadia had been on the same team in university. Before Roxanne had unfortunately had to prioritise her camera appearance over rollerderby. Nadia had stuck with it and now coached the one of the local groups part time around teaching, "Coming to watch us later?"

"Wouldn't miss it." Roxanne spied a familiar face and waved at Nadia as the other woman started directing her girls along the different garden paths, "No knocking over toddlers this time Blizzard!" she yelled, Liz "Blizzard" in red socks waved back, "Its fine, they bounce!" 

Roxanne avoided the storm of wheels and meandered towards a food stall bearing a sign with a singing cupcake, "Hey Todd,"

"Hello Roxanne," warm brown eyes smiled at her behind a table laid out with a variety of cakes, "Want to try a hummingbird cupcake?"

"Sure why not?" Roxanne accepted the small plate eagerly and took a bite. "Oh yum" she mumbled with her mouth full "Todd this is amazing!"

"Thank you" he smiled at the praise. Todd Nguyen was the second patissier of the Scott's favourite catering company. That was how he and Roxanne had met, though that was no great secret. It was also how Todd had met Wayne, which was.

Roxanne pulled a piece of sour pineapple out of the icing and bit into it happily, "I'm going to need this recipe, I have a friend who might cry if I don't find out how you got this pineapple to stay crunchy."

"Easy," And that was Todd in a nutshell. Never stressed, always ready with a soft smile and he just exuded a sense of quiet peace, even when he was running around a kitchen whipping cream by hand in the middle of summer. No wonder Wayne was smitten.

"Oh good morning Mister Nguyen," Lady Adelaide Scott appeared beside Roxanne, "Hello Roxanne dear, you look lovely,"

Roxanne swallowed hurriedly and smiled at Wayne's mother, hiding icing sticky fingers "Good Morning Lady Scott,"

"Its Adelaide dear, please" Lady Scott, refined, poised and without doubt the most ruthlessly perfect society hostess to ever grace the cover of Metro City Home and Gardens patted Roxanne's arm gently, "We're hosting a small soiree tomorrow evening, would you be free to join us? I asked Wayne to mention it to you but he never told me your answer?"

Translation: I'm inviting you because I told my son to and he's obviously forgotten.

"Oh I haven't seen him since Wednesday" Roxanne knew her smile was fixed. "And I've been busy with the" she gestured vaguely "Work and getting kidnapped again you know."

Dammit Wayne. He was probably trying to get out of tomorrow. That was fine, he'd grown up doing these events, but he could have at least given her the heads up. She could have scheduled a funeral or a pap smear or something, or actually scoped if there was anyone on the guestlist worth chasing down. Roxanne felt her plans for a lazy Sunday of watching Grand Designs and napping on the couch evaporating to be replaced with an emergency pedicure and/or dress shopping.

Bearding for Wayne had its benefits, but it was hell on her free time. 

Lady Scott gave her a kind smile "Of course dear, so we'll see you there?

"I'll be there, thank you for the invitation" Roxanne nodded. So much for naps.

Lady Scott smiled and drifted away, the crowds parting like the red sea around her.

"Small soiree she says," Todd shook his head.

Roxanne leaned on the table and went back to her icing, "Are you catering?"

"Mattiesse's is" Todd named the company he worked for that handled anything larger than twenty person gatherings at Scott Manor. 

"How many people is it really?"

"The menu says we're catering for one-fifty,"

"Oh goody." Roxanne crunched another piece of pineapple, "I'm going to start getting your schedule instead of relying on Wayne. You're a better indication of I'm required."

Todd gave her a sympathetic smile "Look on the bright side, at least its not an intimate dinner."

Roxanne shuddered. An intimate dinner at the Scott's was usually at least fifty guests, half that again in wait staff and she had to spend the whole time crammed in beside Wayne and whoever had apparently displeased Lady Scott the most as they were usually either unconscionably rude or absolutely terrified of looking at her with Wayne staring over her head on the other side. 

The soirees were more fun. It was astounding what you could find out looking dumb and letting some small or bigtime politician think they could corner you for an "exclusive interview".

Roxanne Ritchi might be the Metro City token damsel, but her investigative reports were the stuff of nightmares to a certain class of people. "Do you know who's coming?" she asked.

Todd shrugged, "A few celiacs, half a dozen vegans, no one new so far as I'm aware."

Roxanne huffed, she should know better than to ask for names from the caterers. "Sure you don't want to play arm candy for the night?" she offered. It was a hollow offer. Neither Wayne nor Todd were interested in being tabloid fodder. Roxanne was a known quantity and therefore was able to get away with not having to hand of Wayne's arm every second while she milked the advantages of high society party access.

Todd blanched and held his hands up "No thank you. I like not having to make eye contact with rich people."

Roxanne sniggered and Todd handed her another cupcake but she pushed it back "Thanks but I cant do that much sweet Todd,"

"For your friend then," 

"He's not here," Minion was running aquifer checks today. He'd refused to tell her any more when she'd asked during Tea tea last week. 

"Okay well let me get you the recipe then," Todd borrowed Roxanne's notepad and started scribbling, "Tell him to let me know how it goes."

"Will do," Roxanne accepted the notepad back and snapped a photo, texting it quickly to Minion. He loved getting new recipes to try. "Say hi to Wayne for me later," Todd blushed under tan skin and ducked his head shyly, pushing his glasses up his nose. "I will."

Roxanne smiled fondly, "You two are adorable. I'll swing by the kitchen and say hi tomorrow night." Sucking icing from her fingers she wandered into the green house to look at the flowers and grab a few soundbites. Her phone pinged with a smiley face from Minion, which was all she ever tended to get from him, but was a nice acknowledgement all the same.

Idly she wondered what Megamind was up to, did he have hobbies other than kidnapping her?

* * *

Roxanne cracked an egg into her bowl of two minute noodles and stirred vigorously, then plopped down in front of her laptop to keep working on the write-up for the festival. Her phone buzzed.

**Miss Ritchi I blame you entirely for this**

_what did I do?_

**Hummingbird cake. Is conducive to neither humming, nor does it contain birds**

She laughed and hit dial, "Bad day at the office?" she teased when he picked up. There was a crash and a noise of inhuman frustration.

"You sent Minion that ridiculous recipe and now I'm banished from the kitchen" Megamind snapped.

"Aww, poor you"

"How is evil supposed to survive on sandwiches Miss Ritchi?"

"He still made you something"

"Vindictively, Miss Ritchi. have you ever tasted a sandwich made out of spite?"

"I cant say that I have"

"I don't recommend it"

"Look on the bright side, at least its not instant noodles?"

"Please tell me that doesn't count as an adequate dinner in your house Miss Ritchi"

Roxanne slurped over the microphone.

"Ugh! Ow! That is awful! Don't ever do that again!"

Roxanne laughed

"I'm telling Minion on you" he accused.

"What's Minion going to do about it?"

"He'll be so traumatised by your lack of care he'll instantly forget all about these hummingbird cakes to make a stupendous feast!"

"Hm, I wonder what you'd be getting out of this"

"I'll have you know my motives are entirely selfless."

"How very un-evil of you"

"Un-evil?"

"Well I can hardly call you good."

"Hmph," there was the sound of him walking across a room then a door opening, "Do you hear this Minion! Miss Ritchi is only eating instant noodles for dinner"

"Miss Ritchi is a functional adult Sir" Minion's voice echoed in the background

Roxanne nearly fell off her chair laughing.

"At least you didn't try to make kievs again Miss Ritchi" the fish added.

"Minion! You promised!" she gasped. 

"More secrets Minion?" Megamind sounded resigned.

"No Sir," the fish answered deferentially, "And nothing like the time you tried to make poached eggs."

There was silence then the closing of a distant door. "You know Miss Ritchi, I'm beginning to think I'm not the most evil being in the Lair"

"You know I think I agree with you." Roxanne closed her laptop and swung her feet onto another chair, "So what's up?"

"You called me Miss Ritchi,"

"I had my hands full, it was easier."

"Ah yes your exceptionally nutritious dinner."

"You can criticise my eating habits when you make your own food."

"Touche" There was a clang and a sound that might have been a sigh before Megamind spoke again, "How did you find the flower show today?"

Roxanne shrugged, "Nice, crowded. Lots of kids. I spent most of it working."

"How delightfully mundane"

"Work is work is work," Roxanne poked at her bowl, "The succulent garden was pretty. But more importantly this means I might get next weekend off." She wanted a nap. A non knockout spray, no-bra, still in PJs in the afternoon lazy day with a nap.

"Stop fishing," Megamind's voice said sternly.

"Shouldn't have kidnapped a reporter then," Roxanne retorted.

"Ah but then who would I rely on for this witty repartee?"

Roxanne groaned and finished her noodles, "You know for once it might be nice if I didn't have to dress up for anyone."

"Have you considered a signature outfit? Something in blue and black perhaps?"

"Sorry, all leather was a look I gave up years ago" After the last time she crashed her dirtbike and was given a choice between a new one and her Dad and Beth offering to pay for her accommodation at university. Given her options were staying at home with four siblings in a three bedroom house or starting a life on her own it had been no competition. Even if she had missed Marnie something crazy.

There was a crash like something had been dropped and a muffled curse, "I'm sorry Miss Ritchi would you mind repeating that?" Megamind said eagerly.

"No"

"No?"

"No. Actually that reminds me..." She needed to work out what she was wearing tomorrow. She'd really rather not have to spend all day trying to find another dress on the remaining half of her day off, "I wear too many hats"

"Is this another clothing thing?" He sounded confused.

"It's a fuck Roxanne's weekend plans thing."

"Don't look at me. I'm already done for the week."

"Scott thing tomorrow night" Roxanne picked up the phone and wandered into her bedroom to contemplate her wardrobe, "No, let me rephrase that, _'A Small Soiree_ ' tomorrow night for which my attendance has been _requested_ "

"Miss Ritchi you've sounded more interested in being kidnapped"

"Well you don't guilt trip me about the kidnappings."

"You would rather be threatened with a death ray?"

"A party invitation is like a hand engraved bullet. A death ray is addressed to whom it may concern."

"You sound...excited?" Megamind said dubiously, Roxanne flopped onto her bed and dropped the phone beside her "What gave it away?" she asked sarcastically.

"Do you need me to arrange an emergency kidnapping Miss Ritchi?"

Roxanne stared at the ceiling for a moment, contemplating.

"Miss Ritchi?"

"I'm thinking about it."

"Wha- really?" aww he sounds excited she thought, then sat up with a groan. "Better not, I already booked in the pedicure. It'd be a shame to waste it."

"You don't enjoy luxury for luxuries sake?"

"Luxury is lying on the couch in my PJs and not having to go anywhere. Everything else is...maintenance"

"The trials we put you through Miss Ritchi" he sounded amused.

"Yeah yeah, enjoy not having to deal with the full fuckery of the female beauty standards."

"What do you know, being an alien _does_ have its advantages. No human beauty standards"

"Don't give me that. I know half a dozen people who would commit murder for your cheekbones"

"To take them out of my face? That seems excessive"

Roxanne laughed.

"And who are these people with excellent taste?" Megamind continued "I can certainly 3D print a replica of my skeletal system. Not worth murder perhaps, but maybe a little light arson? Low risk thievery?"

"Doesn't the entire underworld of Metro City report to you?"

"They do," he replied easily, as if directly and indirectly controlling a third of a city was the same as admitting you owned a red car, "But only a fool turns down an easily exploitable weakness"

"Mm" Roxanne said distractedly, staring at her wardrobe, "Oh shit" 

"What is it?"

"I forgot to ask the dresscode. Damn." she started digging through her wardrobe, pulling out the small collection of formal dresses she had collected over the last few years acting as Metro Man's girlfriend

"I've found black leather works for most occasions." Megamind suggested helpfully

"You would." she retorted, laying out a purple satin halter dress and a ruched silver sheath. Did she still have a strapless bra? Aha she did.

"Most people would feel excited about going to a party Miss Ritchi, trouble in paradise?"

"People get invited to parties," she informed him, "Reporters get told they're going and have to figure out on the fly if they're there for society reporting, which is totally not my thing, or because the host has a vendetta against someone. But she wont actually tell you its all, oh have you met so-and-so, they're terribly involved in that recent spate of puppy kickings but they also donated a wing to the university so you figure it out if I'm asking you to publicly crucify them or not but you better get it right because I can make your life hell if you get it wrong."

"I thought you were beloved by all the Scott Dynasty?"

"I am. That's the problem. If they didn't like me they wouldn't ask." Roxanne dug out one sleek silver pump then went hunting for the other, phone resting on the bed behind her. "The worst part is I think she's trying to be impartial! Like its a gift to be offered more sources than I could ever access on my own but god for-fucking-bid I be allowed to make my own informed decisions on what is worth reporting on!" She found her other shoe and threw it on the bed, "And then if I try to mention that, oh I don't know, if they want Scott Mansion on the cover of House and Garden again they could just pick up the phone because its not like they don't own the whole fucking magazine! But no-oo-oo its all why didn't you mention the new rose garden Roxanne dear? Well I wonder if its because you had the CEO of Pharma-Tech over for dinner and I had questions about the fact that they'e increased the price for epi-pens by three hundred and sixty percent over the past five years!"

Roxanne realised she'd been ranting for a good five minutes with almost no response from the other end. Which was Megamind, who would undoubtedly love the opportunity to humiliate Wayne and by extension, his family.

This was why she didn't talk to people about her "relationship". 

"I'm going to shut up now," she muttered and tried not to hit herself in the head with the sharp stiletto of her shoe.  
"Oh no Miss Ritchi please continue," he sounded delighted, "You had an excellent roll, building up to a full villainous _I'll show them! I'll show them all!_ "

Roxanne thunked her head against her wardrobe door and laughed, "Please don't ever mention that to anybody"

He snorted, "Oh please, who am I going to tell? Villain claims damsel told him hero not all he's cracked up to be, what's next? I threaten the city with a giant robot?" 

"Hah," Roxanne clambered off the floor and changed the subject, "So how's your night?"

There was a pause, like he was waiting for her to realise a mistake, "Nothing special" he responded eventually, "Banished from my own kitchen"

"Minion's kitchen" Roxanne corrected

"Minion's kitchen," he allowed, "Updated the brain-bots systems, lost my favourite spanner to a rather spirited game of fetch and now I'm speaking to you."

"How does your weekend involve less work than mine?"

"That's on you Miss Ritchi. But I remind you Evil Queen is always on the table?"

"Only the table? I don't get a throne of my own?"

"I'm sure we can find you somewhere to sit." he offered silkily.

Roxanne ignored that, frowning at her wardrobe, "Silver or purple?"

"Blue"

"Nope, not dressy enough."

"How dare you? I dress impeccably Miss Ritchi"

"Yeah for the Goblin King" Thank you thirteen year old Roxanne, adult Roxanne will have the phone back now.

"The what now?"

"Labyrinth?" Adult Roxanne can't come to the phone right now, would you like to leave a message? "Bowie? You know, just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave"

"Oh I like that" he purred, "What else does he say?"

"Nothing"

"Nothing?"

"Nothing nothing tra la la?"

"Oh please tell me there's more?"

"You have no power over me"

"Come now Miss Ritchi I was asking nicely."

"I know, I answered." Ignoring the mess she'd made of her wardrobe Roxanne picked up a purse full of nailpolish and went back to her couch, throwing herself onto it with a sigh.

"Emergency kidnapping Miss Ritchi." Megamind offered again, "Say the word and we can have you tied up and screaming in no time."

"You wish,"

"Well I now know you're capable of screaming Miss Ritchi, now its just finding the correct combination of factors to encourage you to do it again,"

"I told you already, rollercoaster."

"The kidnappings are not meant to be fun."

"You're mean"

"No Miss Ritchi I'm evil, pay attention."

Roxanne swept Passionate Paradise over her nails and admired the sheen, then cursed as she smeared the deep purple colour onto her skin. "How are you with your hands?"

There was a pause, "Quite good," Megamind answered cautiously, "May I ask why?"

"I can't get this- fuck! This nailpolish to stop streaking,"

"Ah, for that I'm afraid you're on your own. But have you considered gloves?"

"Don't go with the dress."

"Pity"

Roxanne screwed the lid back on the bottle and drummed her fingers idly on the coffee table. "What do you do as a hobby?"

"Are you angling for an interview Miss Ritchi?"

"I'm stuck here until my nailpolish dries, indulge me."

"I build things,"

"Isn't that work?"

"They say if you do what you love..."

"Spoken like someone who doesn't have bills to pay"

"I write code, or read, if I can concentrate. Or swim, or the bots are always pleased at any attention."

"That still sounds like work, don't you have any lazy weekend habits?"

"I don't relax well." He said flatly "A lifetime in prison will do that to you."

"I thought prison was meant to be boring?"

"It is dull beyond belief. And then you let your guard down and then you get jumped and beaten, or die if you're particularly unlucky."

"Well that's dark"

"Its prison Miss Ritchi, did you expect it to be nice?"

"I guess not" she sighed and blew on her fingers.

"And what are your preferred vices for lazy evenings? Bunny slippers and bathbombs?"

"Close" that reminded her she should charge her rabbit, "Nail polish and Netflix"

"How delightful. Perhaps I should swing by, learn to be lazy."

"Sure thing," Roxanne snorted "I'll paint your nails too." 

"I thought we already established your lack of skill in that area,"

"Meh, I'm making it work." She paused as she carefully layered a topcoat over her dry hand, "Actually do you even have fingernails?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Well I don't know, I've never seen your hands?" Roxanne frowned, "Have I?" She doesn't think so at least. Its always the long gloves.

"Why are you asking me?"

"You're the one with the eidetic memory"

"So its up to me to remember every detail Miss Ritchi is it?"

"Yes?"

"No." He hung up.

Roxanne rolled her eyes and blew carefully on her fingers. Her apartment suddenly felt much emptier in the quiet. She sighed and turned her music on while she waited for the topcoat to dry.

* * *

Slumped on the floor beside a partially constructed battle droid and a plate of spiteful sandwiches, Megamind put his face in his hands and groaned.

He's a masochist.

He really is.

What a mess. The very worst kind of cliche. The villain falling for the damsel.

Oh well. He's been in love with her for years. Why would something as mundane as conversation over dinner do anything to make him any less of a disaster?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are always welcome. I love hearing what people think!


	16. A small soiree and a shiny new hoverbike

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne has a very busy social life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the relevant music for the second half of the chapter (at the page break) to to really set the scene, I suggest the following songs in no particular order (or just the Meg Myers Desire song radio on Spotify):  
> Siren - Kailee Morgue https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKWG4zCALoE  
> Baby - Bishop Briggs https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Mz7iUxdqg  
> Rev 22:20 - Puscifer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4d4yB-cm6E  
> Devil I Know - Allie X https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kwEEwjAdoeo

Roxanne went to the Scott party and did the rounds. She spent far too long trapped in a corner trying to avoid conversation with Eleanor Janus and her coterie of society debutantes who she just knew were cataloguing every time she had shown up in this exact dress before.

Well excuse her for not having a disposable income in the millions and an actual job.

It was another hour and a half before she finally managed to get away and try to talk to some of the guests that were actually relevant to her career. Just in time for Lord Scott to invite them to see his new acquisition and ask Roxanne to "Track down that boy of mine wont you, sweetheart?"

Roxanne bit the inside of her cheek, smiled through her teeth and slipped away towards the kitchens. She waved at Claudio, the head chef, and kicked at one of the massive catering fridge doors with the back of her heel while one of the waitstaff offered her a selection of hors d'oeuvres. "Your dad's looking for you" she muttered. 

There was a clunk like someone had knocked over a shelf and the door opened and a sheepish Wayne stuck his head out, "Hey Roxie,"

"Hi sweetie" she said saccharine sweet, "You done hiding from the crowds?"

"Ah...yep?"

Roxanne reached up to straighten his bow tie, twinkling her fingers over Wayne's giant shoulder at Todd who was polishing his glasses and looking flushed. "Next time you want to hide somewhere to make out with your boyfriend you could at least invite me along so it looks like we snuck out for a quickie," she muttered.

Wayne gave her a scandalised look, "Roxie!"

"I'm just saying, all the interesting people are locked up with Lord Scott and Adelaide keeps giving me judge looks when I avoid the diamond wasps."

"They're not that bad" Wayne defended, nodding at the waitstaff and following Roxanne back towards the ballroom.

"Says you," Roxanne huffed and pasted a bright smile on her face as they entered the golden doors.

"Hey do you want me to drive you home later?" Wayne asked as he steered them towards the party goers gathered around Lady Scott.

Drive, not fly, that meant he was hoping to stay with Todd tonight. "Sure," she shrugged, "In an hour?"

"Done." Wayne grinned happily. They looped the ballroom for a quick see-and-be-seen then angled for the door leading to Lord Scott's business wing, where they found the man in question heading back to his study, a footman carrying a golfbag behind him.

"Ah thank you for finding my son," Lord Scott, a man who always gave the impression he was having a conversation behind a newspaper even when he was looking you in the eye, patted Roxanne's shoulder and clapped Wayne on the bicep, "Come join us for a cigar, junior."

Roxanne spied two senators, a congressman and the CEOs of two major pharmaceutical companies gathered around decanters of port and widened her eyes hopefully at Wayne.

"Roxie you'd like to join us right?" Wayne said as he was ushered into the room. 

"Nonsense" Lord Scott waved her away like the interloper she was, "We'll leave your lovely lady to enjoy the rest of the party." He looked back through her over his shoulder, "I'm sure Lady Scott would love to speak to you."

Roxanne watched the mahogany door swing shut and rolled her eyes. Great, another hour playing nicely with the society crew while Wayne got to hover with the interesting people and smoke Lord Scott's extremely expensive and very tasty cigars.

"Wayne you had better get me a cigar" she muttered, knowing he would hear her. Roxanne didn't smoke, but some of her favourite lecturers at university had been old school type setters who smoked like they were trying to get lung cancer before the next edition went out and she had the taste for an occasional lazy cigar on her balcony after a big night. Then she sighed and went back to the ballroom and spent an excruciating forty minutes listening to Lady Scott and Eleanor Janus gush about the difficulties of finding good help.

"Why some of them, you'd think they'd never handled an antique in their lives" white blonde hair shimmered as Eleanor swept her hand in a glittering arc, flashing her diamond rings to catch the light just so. Just so being directly in Roxanne's eyes. Delightful. 

"Oh my dear I entirely agree," Lady Scott sipped her champagne and cast her eyes at Roxanne, "Wouldn't you concur Roxanne?"  
Roxanne whose only consistent interactions with "help" outside of the Scott Mansion were her doorman and Minion gave her best party smile and said "I'm sure you ladies would know,"

"Oh of course you can call on Metro Man anytime can't you," Eleanor's eyes were icy, "You wouldn't need to worry about handling staff."

"He is handy for getting things off high shelves, yes" Roxanne agreed pleasantly and winced internally as Lady Scott gave her not-amused-at-all laugh and looked up, "Oh speaking of!"

"Hi Mother," Wayne floated down and hovered until Roxanne had to nearly step into Eleanor's hair to give him space to come down and buss Lady Scott's cheek.

"Wayne, what have we told you about dropping in on conversations like this?" Lady Scott gave her son a more genuine smile, Eleanor straightened and turned her diamonds on the drop-in, "You're always welcome to drop in on us, isn't that right?" she nudged Roxanne with one sharp elbow as she aimed a practised society smile at Wayne. He looked unsettled, as he always did when the society sharks were circling. He draped an arm around Roxanne's shoulders and gestured with the half burned cigar in his hand,

"Just came to say goodnight all, I have to get Roxie home."

"Oh you're not leaving already are you?" Lady Scott exclaimed.

"Sorry," Roxanne apologised, "I have work first thing tomorrow."

"I suppose you do need your beauty sleep dear," said one of the hangers on who had materialised once Wayne had arrived.

"Of course, cameras can be so ageing, cant they?" Eleanor murmured sympathetically. Roxanne imagined putting out Wayne's cigar on the glacier silk gown that always managed to sit just right. You'd think the woman had her own wind machine hidden somewhere, which given some of the eccentricities in this room, wouldn't be entirely out of the question.

"I'll have lunch with you tomorrow" Wayne promised his mother which brightened her considerably, "Oh that will be lovely Wayne. I'll have Frances book us in"

"Sounds great, have her text me the details" Wayne waved as he started guiding Roxanne towards the doors

Roxanne gave Lady Scott a smile over her shoulder and received a small nod in return. Awesome. Out without the big goodbyes to all the guests. Her feet were killing her.  
They slipped downstairs to the massive underground garage. Roxanne eyed the chauffeur sitting in his comfortable cubby as Wayne reached over for a set of keys, "Charger?" she asked hopefully.

"You've been drinking, I'm driving." Wayne picked up a set of keys for a subtle sports coupe modified for his frame, "Thanks Henry" The chauffeur nodded and returned to his book, used to this routine. Roxanne's heels clicked across the polished cement towards the light grey car, Wayne floating beside her. She lifts the half burnt cigar from his fingers as he shucked his suit jacket and pulled a giant cream jumper from the back seat over his formal shirt. She flexed her toes uncomfortably and patted him on the shoulder, gesturing with the cigar, "Make yourself useful."

Wayne rolled his eyes but his vision flashed red and the end of the cigar started smoking.

"Thank you," Roxanne starts to lift it to her lips when, "You sure you wanna do that? I know where my mouth's been." Her ride home said casually.

She hesitated, "In the fridge? Seriously Wayne?"

He chuckled and blushed, Roxanne rolled her eyes, "I was kidding about the quickie thing,"

Wayne opened the door for her and gestured her in with one open hand. She ground out the cigar in his palm and threw herself into the seat with a huff. "We're getting burgers on the way home," she ordered.

"Yeah yeah," Wayne slid into the other side of the car and slipped a hand into his pocket, offering her a wrapped cigar with a spectacular gold logo. Roxanne's eyes lit up, "You are forgiven" she allowed magnanimously, bucking in. "Let's go, I want chilli fries."

* * *

Licking paprika salt from her fingers Roxanne dropped her clutch on her side table and eyed her clock. It wasn't that late, sort of. Well it was but she felt like she'd barely had an hour to herself all day. 

Fuck it. What was left of the evening was her night off, she deserved a treat.

She poured herself a drink and lit her cigar on her gas burner, terrible habit but she had no idea where her matches were. Then she dragged the directors chair folded against her wall out to the very edge of her balcony and slouched into it, propping her feet up on the balcony wall and let a lazy stream of smoke drift between her lips. She keyed up some music on her phone and let her mind drift for a while, mentally composing copy and relishing the burning smoke in her lungs.

Say what you will about a Scott Soiree but Lord Scott had great taste in cigars.

"Nice night" came a low voice from her left.

"Go away" she tilted her head back and closed her eyes, "I've already been to the party, you can't emergency kidnap me now."

"Ah but I bring treats from Minion," Megamind paced along the top of her balcony, white cake box in hand, "He says thank you for the recipe."

"He's very welcome. You can leave now."

"Oh but I just arrived,"

Roxanne opened one eye and watched him, same suit as always, but the gloves were sleeker and the mantle studded instead of spiked, every day clothes? "Sorry," she shrugged, "You don't meet the dress code."

"You are a cruel mistress," he stepped down and set the box on her balcony table, then returned to lean beside her feet, arms folded.

She smiled languidly and lifted the cigar to her lips, inhaling rich heavy smoke and holding it in her lungs for a moment, letting it curl over her tongue. Then she pursed her lips and blew a steady stream of smoke at him. He bent forward, mouth open and inhaled deeply, tasting the air with a pink tongue and swallowing her exhalation.

"Noche Dorada?" His smile was knifesharp in the darkness, "Very nice, where did you get that?"

"Consolation prize"

"Oh?"

"I had to play nice with the Society crew while Wayne got to hide in Lord Scott's study with the interesting people"

"I didn't realise that's where all those were being sold. I should have increased my prices."

Roxanne gave him a look, "You make cigars?"

"I import cigars." he corrected, resting his elbows on her balcony wall, "Highly valuable ones that do not come through any customs house"

"Tax evasion Megamind?" She smiled "How banal."

"I probably pay more in taxes than you do Miss Ritchi," His eyes reflected the orange flare as she breathed in burning tobacco, "But unless the cities beloved golden boy has a tendency to fly half way across the globe to purchase those directly, I am the only source, legal or otherwise, of that particular brand on this side of the country."

"Well," Roxanne tipped her head back and exhaled a curling cloud of smoke towards the night sky, "Doesn't that make you special."

There was a scrape as he jumped up to sit crosslegged on her balcony wall, "No Metro Man tonight?" he asked conversationally.

"Now you're asking?"

He shrugged, "I assume he'd have already thrown me off if he was here."

"He might be inside?" 

"And leave you out here alone?"

"Wouldn't be the first time."

"Unlike your stalwart suitor, I'm afraid I couldn't allow you to be neglected Miss Ritchi."

"Couldn't you?" she asked drily. Her feet were beginning to ache from the shoes, she toed them off and let them drop onto her balcony floor, then returned her heels to the concrete barrier that separated her small outside space from the rest of the city airspace. She eyed Megamind sitting relaxed on her balcony and raised her eyebrows when he met her gaze, "Are you waiting for an invitation to use my lift or something?"

"Perhaps I'm enjoying the company,"

"Well that makes one of us,"

"Oh come now Miss Ritchi, I'm sure you have a veritable cornucopia of gossip to share."

"If you want gossip read the tabloids."

"Of course, because the ones detailing your super baby bump are such a thrilling saga"

Roxanne groaned, "They're not doing that again are they?"

"I think this time its twins,"

"Oh wonderful."

"What's the matter Miss Ritchi? Not interested in the zap of little laser eyes?" he leaned back and contemplated the night sky, "Though one would hope the infants would keep their eyes closed until after birth, a cauterised C-section would be rather dreadful."

She glared at him, "Thank you for that horrifying mental image, I'm so delighted you decided to drop by."

"Oh so am I, this is fun!"

"More fun than the rumour that you're not an alien but the lovechild of Elvis and a particularly amorous octopus?"

"I'm not-" he stopped and glared at her, "Elvis? Really?"

She hummed a laugh and sipped her drink.

He gave her an annoyed look but made no move to leave "At least I only stuck to the reputable tabloids. There's no need to be cruel Miss Ritchi"

"You started it." She contemplated blowing another stream of smoke at him but she thought he might enjoy it. She blew a smoke ring instead.

Megamind reached out with one long finger and dragged it through the ring, warping and dividing the smoke into a broken shape. "If I'd known this was a habit of yours Miss Ritchi I'd bring treats every week."

"It's not." She retorted, "But you could always send one of the bots? I like seeing them,"

"And have them run the risk of being melted to slag on the chance Metro Man was in attendance?" He looked offended, "For shame Miss Ritchi, you would sacrifice them so easily."

"Oh he would not" Probably.

"Says you."

"Softie," Roxanne accused.

"Practical," he countered, "I don't enjoy starting things when I'm not prepared."

"You've sent a bot over before?"

"When I'm certain its safe to do so. I'm not so callous with my toys."

"Aiming a giant laser at me not withstanding,"

"You are anything but a toy Miss Ritchi," his eyes gleamed, "I might even be willing to admit I find you quite interesting, your appalling taste in company aside."

Roxanne met his eyes over the rim of her glass, "Is that so?" she mused, "And here I thought I was spending quite a lot of time with a very charming alien."

He rocked back a little and grinned at her "Oh?"

"Well Minion is such a sweetheart," she gestured towards the box, "He sends me treats after all."

Megamind laughed, eyeing her dress, silver satin falling away from her legs where the slit was riding up to her thigh. Dangerous, dangerous damsel. 

Roxanne arched her back and slumped further down in her chair, "How did you get up here?" she asked, twirling her glass to let the ice clink against the sides.

He produced a glowing blue cube, rolling it over his knuckles, "I thought it would be rude to take up your valuable lounging space."

"Hoverbike?"

He nodded, "New prototype"

Roxanne sat up a little, now that was interesting. "Can I see?"

Megamind cocked his head, "Perhaps. May I borrow some water?"

"You cant just lick it?"

"Not if you don't want to accidentally try to swallow half a machine if it dehydrates on top of you."

Roxanne laughed, "How many times has that happened?"

"More than I'd like," he muttered.

She felt a smile curling her lips and tipped back the rest of her drink, then offered him the glass with its half melted lump of ice. "This do?"

"Well enough."

She held the glass steady as his fingers chased the ice, then twisted in her chair as he leapt down and paced out an empty space in the gap between her bistro table and her current seat. He laid the glowing blue cube on the floor of her balcony and clenched the ice in his gloved fist until a steady line of droplets started falling. Standing away from the cube he held his dripping hand over the dehydrated hoverbike until one of the drops made contact and it whooshed back into full size.

It didn't look complete, sharp steel and unpolished chrome where his usual ride had enamelled patterns and sections for storage. This one looked stripped back almost to the frame work.

What it did look was very, very fast.

"Well now," Roxanne said in the tone of someone who's just opened their payslip to find an unexpected bonus, "Aren't you pretty?"

Green eyes gleamed at her from the other side of the hoverbike, "Thank you," Megamind said modestly, "I was worried you only liked me for my brain,"

Roxanne ignored that, instead eyeing the empty spaces where storage caches and smoke bombs might someday be found. "Are you going to kidnap me on this one?"

He laughed again, "Ahaha, no. That would be extremely dangerous." He tapped a space between the handlebars "I shouldn't even be riding it in the city, the obstacle alert isn't calibrated to the brake system yet because the whiplash would kill, well anyone."

"So its fast?" Fast is good. Fast is very good.

"Oh its much more than that," 

Even better.

Roxanne went to take another drink then remembered her glass was empty, she sat up to set the glass down beside her and wandered over barefoot to admire the sharp angles of the frame, cigar still curling smoke in her other hand. Her nails made a clack-clack sound as the tapped her fingertips on the handlebars. Megamind watched her trail her fingers over steel and chrome and the last of the ice crunched in his fist.

"So how fast is it?" Roxanne asked curiously, wondering if hopping onto the seat would look like too much of an invitation for a last minute kidnapping.

"Not sure yet," Megamind eyed her cautiously as she stroked the leather seat, "I rarely go above two hundred kilometres an hour, but this one can definitely go faster," Roxanne turned an interested look on him "For all that I'm unlikely to test just how fast any time soon," he continued.

Roxanne petted the sleek nose appreciatively, "He doesn't deserve you" she told the prototype, "I would find out."

"Would you now?" He eyed her dress again, "What a pity you told me you already gave up the all leather look."

Roxanne rested her crossed wrists on the seat and grinned as she leaned on the hoverbike which as the name suggested, hovered between them, "But I'm already dressed to match," she indicated the silver of her dress and the chrome of the bike "Leathers are only important if you hit the ground."

"You think you wouldn't fall off?"

"I think if I fall off anything from seventeen stories up then bike leathers are going to be the least of my worries." She pressed down on the bike, feeling the antigravity field push back against her weight and eyed the buttons on the handle with interest.

Megamind gripped the handlebars and leaned close, "Get off my bike Miss Ritchi"

She blew a coil of smoke past his ear and gave him a Cheshire smile "Ask nicely,"

"Please" The word growled in his throat.

Roxanne stepped back before he gave in to the temptation to pull her onto the bike and take off for the Lair. She strolled around the bike and leaned against her balcony wall, hands tapping lazily on the bricks as she drew in the last of her cigar and regretfully stubbed out the final remains in a failed attempt at growing tomatoes. "Not going to offer to take me for a ride?" she asked, watching him tweak something on the brake system.

"Perhaps if you were still out and about, Miss Ritchi. But it looks to me like you're already home."

"You've never heard of a joyride?"

"Did you forget the part about the lethal whiplash?" he answered, not looking up.

"Did you forget you haven't figured out how fast it can go yet?"

His head twisted around and envy green eyes met hers with a grin, "Are you offering to assist with a time-trial?"

"Why not? I'll let you hold the stopwatch and everything."

"I think" he paused and looked her over again, barefoot and silver as moonlight, elbows propped behind her as she arched her eyebrows at him in challenge, "Not."

Well if he was going to be like that about it.

"Get off my balcony Megamind"

He kept one hand grounding the bike and touched the tip of his tongue to a sharp canine as he turned to face her, "Ask nicely"

"Now"

He laughed and swung himself onto the hoverbike. Long fingers flickered over the buttons and the engine roared. He leaned his elbow on the handlebars and rested his cheek in his hand as he looked back down at her. The brilliant green of his eyes half hidden under lowered lids, "Such trouble" he murmured, amusement grazing his sharp features.

Roxanne felt a wave of heat rush over her that had nothing to do with the roar of the engine.

"Mm," She said noncommittally, still eyeing gleaming chrome, "See you Tuesday?"

Megamind hissed a laugh between his teeth, "Close, Miss Ritchi, but I'm afraid-"

"Don't you dare say it"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the flirting with lethal intent portion of the fic


	17. Splinter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't always go to plan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for glass wounds if that's not your thing

_**Vimes was aware of the circle watching him; a lot of the watchmen were peering around the doorway now.** _  
_**'Saw this happen once,’ he said aloud, and added mentally 'in ten years' time'. 'It was in a bar fight. Man grabbed a bottle, didn't know how to smash it, ended up with a hand full of shards and the other guy reached down and squeezed.' There was a satisfying groan from the crowd.** _  
_**Terry Pratchett - Nightwatch** _

The Refractalator wasn't working. 

Megamind was halfway inside the mirrored chamber poking at the wiring when it sparked and he yelped and slid out very quickly.

From the Chair Miss Ritchi was watching him curiously, a mug of coffee cradled in her hands and the crumbs from one of Minion's muffins scattered across her lap. "No good?" she asked raising an eyebrow.

"Oversized hunk of animatronic garbage-ow!" Megamind kicked the nesting spiral shape sullenly then leapt back and cut the power as it sparked at him again. "It looks like today is your lucky day Miss Ritchi. You wont even need to scream for assistance."

"Aw, and I so would have done it today too." 

He whipped around to stare at her and she winked over the rim of her cup. He let a tired smile flicker then glared at the machine. If a slinky had a baby with a disco ball it would look...nothing like this and would probably be about twice as useful.

The massive lens from the top part of the mechanism sat on the control panel. One of the brain-bots, Rain-3 from the looks of it, was apparently snoozing inside it. Megamind patted its dome, feeling depressed "Go get some help and put that away" he ordered. The bot floated up and chirped, he scrubbed his knuckles over the glass, "Yes yes, I know you're very strong, you're the strongest bot there ever was."

Rain-3 chirped again and flexed their claws proudly, grabbing at the edge of the lens.

There was a giggle behind him. He turned and raised an eyebrow at the delectable Miss Ritchi who set her mug on the floor beside her and was brushing crumbs off her skirt with her bound hands.

"You're bots are adorable" she said grinning, "I just want to cuddle them."

"Well they do take after their Daddy" he said hopefully.

She rolled her eyes at him and a look of alarm flashed over her face, "Hey watch out!"

He spun and leapt backwards just as Rain-3 succeeded in dragging the lens off the control panel to shatter in an explosion of shards on the floor. He caught the bot as it wailed in alarm, flinging bits of broken glass from its claws. Agony shot down his wrist as claws latched around his arm.

"Stop! Stop!" he pulled Rain-3 down and cradled the screeching brain-bot, subvocalising commands _calm down, its alright, you're okay_ "Code: Stand down!" 

He spun to check on Miss Ritchi, she was further away she should be fine, in his arms Rain-3 slowly quieted and settled.

Miss Ritchi was staring at the pale blue forcefield humming around her, a perfect semi-circle of glass shards on the floor around her, "The fuck?"

Oh thank the evil gods. The shield generator worked.

Of course it worked. He's a genius. But thus far today it seemed to be the only thing that had worked successfully and he thinks he might have just thrown himself into the pile of glass shards if it hadn't.

"Sir is everything alright?" Minion rushed in and halted when he saw the wreckage, "I'll get the broom." He hurried out again, calling for more bots to start clearing away the glass.

Megamind set Rain-3 on the control panel and shushed the bot, "No no, Daddy's not mad. Just stay there alright" He tried to pat its dome and missed. 

That's...strange...why are his fingers sticky? And why does his head feel fuzzy? How ridiculous. Getting thrown into a wall hurts much less than this. He blinked down at his fingers and noticed the lacerations on the tips of his gloves. Splinters of glass glistened in the welling blood dripping onto the floor. Oh there's a piece of glass in his primary median nerve, no wonder he feels like he's torn a battery open with his bare fingers. Vaguely he registered someone calling his name.

"-mind, Megamind! Hey supergenius! You're bleeding! And why am I in a bubble?!" Miss Ritchi demanded.

"It's not a bubble, its a B.A.U.B.L.E." he responded automatically.

"What?"

"Barrier Against Unexpected Blasts Lasers Etcetera" He'd tried to make it BUBBLE but he couldn't get the acronym to work.

"Very clever. Why am I in it?"

"Its a personalised hermetic forcefield" _She thinks its clever,_ "And I'm very glad to see at least one thing I've built work properly today."

"Oookay" Miss Ritchi blinked at him through the blue glow of the forcefield. She looks so pretty blue. She's looking at him oddly. Is it because he looks extra blue through the shield? He can't help that he was blue already.

"Megamind come here," She ordered frowning. No, he likes it better when she's smiling.

Her mouth quirked up. Ah yes like that.

She tilted her head to one side, "Megamind?"

Yes Miss Ritchi

"Do you need help?"

Help? What does he need help for he's the greatest Supervillain alive and why is she doing that thing with her lip its very distracting...

"Megamind" she said again, still biting her lip, "Can you turn off the hermetic forcefield?"

That is absolutely a thing he is capable of doing.

"Can you do it now?"

Sure why not? 

The blue shimmer disappeared.

"Megamind I think you should sit down."

Excellent idea. He'll do that right away

"Stop!" 

He looked up, half way bent to the ground. Not sit down? Okay.

Miss Ritchi looked behind him, "Minion can you bring the big evil chair over please?"

Suddenly there is a seat behind his knees and he collapsed into it like a puppet with cut strings. "Sir give me your hand," 

Hi Minion, hows my favourite fish?

"Hello Sir," his hand is being lifted in robotic fingers and something is pinching and a piece of really quite long glass is coming out of his finger and " _YEEAAAOOOOOOW! Cocksucking son of a cunt!_ "

Minion grabbed his wrist before he could stick his fingers in his mouth "You have more glass in there Sir" the henchfish said sternly, "I'll get the first aid kit." He released Megamind's arm and pushed the chair close to the clear space around Miss Ritchi then clumped away.

Megamind sat in the chair and stared dully at his hand. The glass is gone and he can think clearly again. Damn, he liked these gloves. He needs to find something more protective that will let him still use fine motor skills. Maybe a carbon fibre weave?

"Hey," Miss Ritchi was looking at him curiously, "You back with us?"

Megamind wanted to bury his face in his hands except no can't do that, hands are full of glass. Well one is. The other just has a couple of superficial lacerations, maybe a splinter or two. But he should probably get the shards out before he heals over them. He sighed and started trying to pick splinters out of his fingers. His efforts were hampered by the gloves and the deep violet blood dripping onto the floor.

"Hey, hey stop," Roxanne leaned forward, too far away to actually grab him, "You'll do more damage."

"I'll heal." he said flatly.

"Megamind," she was giving him the same look she'd given Metro Man when she yelled at him about her phone, it was a very don't-push-it-with-the-stupid look. "Stop that. Wait for Minion to get the first aid kit."

"Here you are Sir," Minion offered a bowl of saline solution and a large first aid kit emblazoned with lightning bolts. Megamind dipped his hands in the water and hissed, swishing his fingers to knock loose what he could. Minion handed the bowl to a waiting brain-bot who zipped off then came back with a smaller bowl of clean water. 

"Miss Ritchi," Minion said formally, "Could I ask you to take a look at Sir's hands? My own are-" He held up gorilla fists, "not suited."

"That's not necessary Minion" Megamind cut him off, glaring. "I can manage fine. Just take Miss Ritchi home"

"Sir," Minion glared back obtusely.

"This is not a discussion Minion,"

Minion snorted a series of bubbles and held the first aid kit in Miss Ritchi's direction.

"Yeah okay, gimme" Roxanne held her cuffed wrists out for Minion to undo the carbiner and accepted the kitbox. "Are there gloves in here?"

"Ah, no" Minion looked awkward, "It shouldn't be an issue but we don't have much call for human sized hand shields..."

"See Minion, there's no point-"

"Am I going to go into anaphylactic shock if I touch your blood?"

"Of course not, that's absurd. Miss Ritchi there's no need-"

"Oh enough," She grumped, squeezing hand sanitiser over her hands and rubbing it in, "Just come here and let me dig into you with a pair of tweezers."

"That is not very reassuring Miss Ritchi," he turned his glare on her. Minion took the broom he was carrying over to the glass pile.

"Wasn't meant to be" she laid a white sling across her lap and gestured. She was still tied to the chair, he could escape if he needed to. Sullenly he rolled over, glass crunching under the wheels of his chair.

"Hand," she demanded. He offered the less injured one, she brushed it away and grabbed carefully at the wrist of the bleeding one, "Okay now hold still," she held a pair of tweezers and carefully started pulling bits of glass out of the bloodstained leather around the tips of his fingers and laying them carefully on the sling.

Megamind slouched forward and held his wrist as steady as possible. After a while his hand started trembling. Roxanne took his wrist gently and rested it on the top of her knee and bent over his fingers again.

"Thank you" he said ungraciously as the pile of splinters continued to grow.

"No wonder you wear gloves." Miss Ritchi commented, ignoring his tone. "I'm surprised you don't have your hands bound up in oven mitts if you react like that."

"External damage is fine," he replied, wincing as she drew out a particularly large piece, "Lacerations to my primary or secondary medial nerves result in" he twirled a finger beside his large blue head.

"Yeah I noticed," Roxanne frowned, "Can we take the gloves off? I cant tell if I'm getting all the glass here."

Today is already a disaster, what else has he got to lose?

Megamind's hand went to the buckle at the top of his arm, then hesitated, "Looks like you get the honours yet again Miss Ritchi."

She looked up and laid the tweezers carefully in her lap. The amount of glass she'd already managed to collect was nauseatingly large. Her palms rested on his bicep as she undid the first buckle, then the second, then slowly peeled the layer away from his arm, careful of the spikes. His suit continued under the glove all the way down to an inch above his hand.

"Ah" she paused as she got to his wrist, looking at the shredded leather, "Do you want me to try and pull it off in one go? Or finger by finger?"

Megamind could feel the blood drying against his skin inside the glove, either way was going to be unpleasant. "Just get it over with," he sighed.

"Okay," Roxanne rolled the leather up until she had a good grip, "On the count of three, everybody say evil." She glanced at him and he nodded, bracing himself.

"One...two..." she yanked the glove off with a sucking tear.

"Fucking Ow!" he yelled.

"Three" she dimpled at him

"Evil." he breathed, "I knew it was coming but that was still evil."

"Mm-hm" She picked up a piece of wet gauze from the bowl and started dabbing gently at his fingers. He winced as the loose threads caught at the tears in his skin. He would heal, by the day after tomorrow there would barely be a scar. But right now it hurt like he'd jammed acid covered needles under his nails. Roxanne wet the gauze again and stroked slowly at the sticky blood drying between his fingers.

"You really don't have to be doing this Miss Ritchi" he said quietly.

"Its fine" she shrugged, picking up the tweezers again, "This is going to get pokey. Tell me about the hermetic forcefield"

"Why?"

"Because you need a distraction and I want to know,"

So he did. Explaining the reaction times and the response circumference. She asked intelligent questions about how long the protection should last and if it was a movable or immovable power source. He expanded on how it could be calibrated for liquids, solids and gases but struggled with all three at once.

"So don't take it out in foggy sleet" was her only comment.

She kept pulling glass out of his hand and dabbing at the blood that had thankfully slowed to the occasional drop. "I think that's all of it," she said finally, turning his hand over to see if any more glints caught the light "I don't think you'll need stitches but you shouldn't ask me to do that regardless."

"Band aids will do." he muttered. She nodded and rummaged in the kit, finding a box of band aids and a tube of antiseptic cream. "You ready?" She asked, unscrewing the tube, he grit his teeth and nodded. She dabbed antiseptic onto his fingertips and blew gently. Megamind half leapt off the chair with a strangled scream.

"Whoa!" She grabbed his wrist "Did I hurt you? Should I take this stuff off?"

"Nguh" his chest heaved and he blinked at her rapidly, "N-no, its fine- I just- higher sensory input than humans" he mumbled, dropping back into the chair.

"Higher-oh" that is an extremely dangerous smirk she's wearing while she's cradling his hand and oh no.

"Miss Ritchi don't. Please. I'm begging you"

"My my how the tables have turned," she said archly, wrapping a bright blue food safe band aid around his finger.

"Miss Ritchi you have never begged me for anything in your life. It is extremely unfair that between the two of us I reached that milestone first."

"Is it?" she rested his hand on the side of his chair and gestured for his other one, "Is there some sort of tier system I've meant to have been going through? Screaming...begging...what comes next, crying or pleading?"

"I'm fairly certain the only thing I've managed so far is to make you gasp and try to hit me."

"Is this about the bank? I did apologise for that." She took hold of his other wrist and peered at the torn leather.

"And the opening night of La Boheme last year,"

"You scared the shit out of me while I was trying to find my seat in the dark," she retorted.

"I know, that clutch of yours made a particularly effective blunt force instrument."

"You dented the corner with your shoulder, it hasn't been the same since,"

"Good, it was very pointy."

Miss Ritchi was frowning at his hand, "Was this one cut? I can see the tears but no bleeding."

"Probably means I've already healed over it," he shrugged "I'll scrape the shards out later."

She gave him an appalled look, "With what? A cheesegrater?"

"No Miss Ritchi," he responded sarcastically, "On a rock"

She shook her head and reached for the buckles on his arm "Stop being dramatic"

"Never!" But he held still as she slid the straps through the buckles and eased the leather down his arm. 

She was more careful with this hand, tugging carefully at the edge of each finger to loosen the glove and sliding it carefully off. 

"You do know this side is less injured Miss Ritchi"

"You do know you could have told me your hands are ridiculously sensitive" she retorted, lightly running the pads of her fingers over his hand and oh, why did he tell her that, that is so very distracting. She wiped the tweezers on a clean corner of the sling and pulled his hand close to her face, "Okay I think there's only one or two in here."

Even through the pain her breath in the palm of his hand is...hahaha. He's fine. Stop staring and say something genius.

"Why are you helping me?"

Not that.

She paused and looked up at him as though she didn't understand the question. "You're hurt" she stated as if that explained everything.

"You've seen me hurt before,"

"Yeah, usually when you're fighting Wayne and I have to stay out of the line of fire."

"But why are you helping me?" He's caused her enough trouble over the years she should be smugly laughing and demanding Minion take her home. 

"I came off my bike when I was younger," She said absently, angling the tweezers blades over another splinter, "Caught gravel all up my left side. Marnie was at a sleepover so I had to wait almost two days for her to get home and pick it out. That was," she wiped another speck of glass on the sling, "less than fun."

"You didn't have anyone else to help you?" That made no sense. She has a father and a stepmother and an indeterminate number of step-siblings.

She glanced up at him through her lashes, her eyes are so blue "Not without getting caught" she smirked. She pressed the point of the tweezers against his finger and he jumped, pulling his hand away.

She grabbed his wrist, "No Muppet flailing while Roxanne is holding sharp toys" she said sternly.

"Muppet flailing?!"

"Muppet flailing" she repeated firmly, picking up a group of safety pins and opening each one to look for the sharpest point. She selected one and unpinned it from the group. "You've got one more under there, I'm going to get out for you." She ran her thumb over the pad of his first finger and laid the sharp edge of the pin against his fingertip.

"Miss Ritchi I don't think-"

She stopped, "Right, medial nerve. Sorry"

Megamind looked down at their hands, long and blue with violet blood still caught under his nails, cradled in warm freckled pink, "Its fine," he sighed, "Go ahead."

Roxanne hesitated, then held the pin to his finger, "Scream if this hurts"

"Oh sure make me do all the work" he muttered.

There was a sharp prick and Roxanne pulled the pin away, a speck of glass glinting on the point "Got it!"

Megamind flexed his fingers and held his breath as she dabbed more cream onto his fingers and finished bandaging his hands. Roxanne watched him eye the replacement gloves flown over by one of the bots longingly. "That's probably a bad idea right now," she said quietly, stroking one plaster flat over the side of his finger. 

Megamind should move away, but her hands are warm and its a terrible moment of weakness that just to be touched for the barest moment, feels so nice. He rested his other hand over hers and she looked up at him startled, "Thank you" he said quietly and far more sincerely than before. "You didn't need to do this."

Instead of answering she took both of his hands again and gave them a last once over, "I think you're good," she announced finally running her thumbs over the insides of his palms.

"Evil," he corrected automatically and she gave him a crooked smile.

Her fingers twitched, like she wanted to grasp something then stopped and she looked down then up at him again.

"Ha," She was smiling, "You do have fingernails."

* * *

It was Minion that dropped Roxanne home. Megamind offered her the choice between the bag and the spray then just as she was gearing up to tell him precisely what he could do with that reeking potato sack Minion hit her with the spray anyway.

Rude. 

Minion let her out in the alley behind her apartment and offered her another cake box with more muffins, "Sir probably didn't say thank you, but thank you from both of us Miss Ritchi,"

"Oh no he did," Roxanne was texting Max to let him know she'd work from home for a couple of hours to make up for today. She missed Minion's startled blink as she looked up and accepted the box, "Thanks Minion you really didn't need to."

"Not at all Miss Ritchi. We appreciated your consideration today." Minion fluttered his fins, "I know Sir can be a handful when he's been injured. I'm sorry we had to rely on your assistance."

"No big," she shrugged, "Don't let him give you grief about it,"

The fish looked resigned, "He'll try."

"Hit him with the spray," Roxanne suggested. Minion gave her a look as though to say _I wish it were that easy_.

"See you next week?"

"Goodbye Miss Ritchi"

Roxanne waved her way past Carlos and tapped her fingers idly on the cake box as the elevator drifted up to her floor. What a day. She sighed and glanced at her phone. She owed Max two hours minimum to make up for today, it was already quarter to five. Fuck it. She'll start at six.

She opened her front door contemplating the implications of a supervillain who has a failsafe for the damsel's safety. Then disregarded them immediately as too complex to be handled without therapy or alcoholic assistance. They're probably just there for things like today. No point maiming her if no one can see it.

Today had been...interesting. Not the first time something had failed to work, but the first time they hadn't tried to pretend it wasn't just a minor setback. And definitely the first time she'd been allowed anywhere near Megamind while he was injured.

She knew what his hands look like now. That felt like a weirdly intimate thing to know. 

And more than that he let her poke around his hands with tweezers while he was bleeding and had fingers full of glass. She could have caused some serious damage if she wanted to. Its a little hard to hit someone with a de-gun or the spray when you cant press your finger on the trigger. 

Its like he trusts her.

Roxanne tripped over nothing.

She put the box of muffins down and went to scrub her hands as she prodded the idea like a sore tooth.

Does he? She likes to think she's gotten to know him fairly well over the years. She knows he hates being cold and he eats more sugar in a day than she can stomach in a week. He's intelligent and hates idiots and he builds his own deathtraps and he has surprisingly nice hands.

And okay fine its not like she hasn't whiled away the odd hour contemplating what it would be like to pin him to the control panel and peel him out of that suit with her teeth. She's tied to the chair for hours every week. There's only so many times she can count the number of brain-bots hiding in the rafters.

There's leather and sarcasm, she's only human after all. 

Roxanne poured herself a glass of wine and slumped into the directors chair on her balcony. Tipping her head back she sighed as the late sun painted her skin.

"Hey Roxie" a giant alien face was hovering over her own.

"Gah!" she jerked and wine splashed onto the balcony floor. "Fuck Wayne! Wear a fucking bell or something!"

Metro Man laughed and hovered on the edge of her balcony in a sitting position, "Sorry. Did you get kidnapped today? 

"Yeah," she sighed, "But it was a no go. Refractal something-or-other didn't want to behave."

"I figured when you weren't at work."

"I checked back in at four but there wasn't much point going in for an hour, I'll work on some stuff tonight to make up for it." She swirled the remainder of her wine around the glass and contemplated the alien sitting in front of her. "Hey can I ask a question?"

"Shoot"

"Have you ever checked out what's in the chair he ties me to?"

"I've seen it, but I haven't really looked. You're usually in the way. Why?"

"Turns out there's a hermetic forcefield stuck in there somewhere."

"Oh. That's cool" Wayne rested an ankle on his knee and grinned "I wonder if its that blinky thing in the back?"

"There's a blinky thing in the back?"

"There's two. And a few other things stuck in the arms and legs"

"How many?" she demanded.

"I dunno Roxie," he shrugged and rubbed the back of his neck, "Its not like I've counted. But I think there's eight? Or maybe ten? I've never figured out what it all does."

Roxanne considered that, "Its weird that he's never tried to threaten me with anything built into the chair."

"From what you've said maybe they're not meant to be threats" for a guy with the critical thinking skills of Kronk, Wayne could be remarkably perceptive at times. He tilted his head and listened, "I gotta go, there's a pileup on the freeway." he looked tired all of a sudden, "Glad you're okay."

"I'm always fine. Don't stay out too-" there was a blur of white and he was gone "-late."

Roxanne went back inside and replenished her wine.


	18. Itchy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surprise mini chapter! Hooray!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everyone can thank Monday's_child for this extra mini chapter as I had no intention of writing this until their comment woke something in me

If you had asked Megamind if he had ever appreciated getting hurt in his three plus decades on earth the response would have been a resounding _Fuck No_. 

However.

Given the utter disaster that was today he would be slightly amenable to perhaps implying a minuscule degree of acceptability in having his hands tended by someone who actually took his heightened sensitivities into consideration.

The fact that it was Miss Ritchi was certainly an added bonus.

While he would like to be reliving every microsecond of her warm hands gentle on his skin (and ruthlessly efficient with a pair of tweezers), the memory was somewhat corrupted by the fact that healing _itched_.

He groaned and tried not to clench his fists. No delicate work, no coding, he couldn't even hold a pen for Evil's sake. And Minion had already organised to take over his meetings with the various factions of his city for the next few days so he couldn't even backseat drive on those. Itchy _and_ bored. Was there any greater curse? He squeezed his eyes shut then blinked them open and tried to focus on the last chapter of The Light Fantastic, book flat on his lap and braced open by his palms. Miss Ritchi had been right, the first two were better off skipped.

Nevertheless. What kind of evil would he be if he let something as simple as a book defeat him? Probably something about as pathetic as a giant headed alien moping on a couch mooning over his damsel. 

He gritted his teeth and forced himself to take in the last few pages.

_...They headed along the quay and into the city, two dots on a dwindling landscape which, as the perspective broadened, included a tiny ship starting out across a wide green sea that was but a part of a bright circling ocean on a cloud-swirled Disc on the back of four giant elephants that themselves stood on the shell of an enormous turtle. Which soon became a glint among the stars, and disappeared._

There. Done. Finished. Now he could- his shoulders slumped. Go back to doing nothing while he waited for his fingers to heal.

Damn.

He really wished he could put his gloves on.

Fuck. Ow. Do not gnaw on fingers.

He wished Miss Ritchi would call. Except she was probably working late to make up for today. He felt the entirely unvillainous urge to apologise for the inconvenience. What if she'd had dinner plans?

Well if he'd stopped her from listening to the great flying idiot drone on for hours he'd probably done her a favour.

Uuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh. He kicked his feet up on the couch and glared at the ceiling The Refractalator would have looked amazing too. The prisms set under the mirrors would have given it a rainbow of lights around its head like a cobra's hood.

"Hey you!" he called to a bakers dozen of brain-bots playing swarming games. Another brain-bot bowged from the other side of the lair, "No not you Hey You, just hey one of you in general"

One of the bots ducked away and bowged in front of him hopefully.

"Which one are you? Oh Monday"

Oh Monday bowged.

"Audio only, deliver this to Miss Ritchi," He held up the book carefully, "And no biting. Stand by for message," he coughed twice then adopted a more villaineous tone, "Miss Ritchi, You'll be pleased to note I have defeated your lesser books and look forward to things only improving from here." he spoke towards Oh Monday and another bot swooped down to snatch the book first.

* * *

Roxanne looked up from her laptop, article on the rash of small fires, bins and letterboxes that had been flaring up around the eastern district half written in font of her. There were two brain-bots hovering on her balcony, jostling one another in front of the door. She recognised one, the other looked newer, no nicks on its jaws yet. 

She sighed and stood up, pushing the door open to fold her arms and wait, "I'm pretty sure a lack of teamwork is what lead to things going wrong today," she said mildly. The bots untangled their claws and bobbed, abashed. The familiar looking one offered her a book.

"Oh thanks," she took back her copy of the Light Fantastic back with a pat to the bots glass dome. The other bot hovered self-importantly and started playing an audio recording as it begged for pats as well. Roxanne listened with one eyebrow raised as the formal message devolved into an argument over the book and the message "-yes no Daddy can't do pats right now, Oh Monday stop that... fine both of you can go! Yes thank you go...go go go... why are you still blinking at me? Oh shit end recording!"

Roxanne laughed, "Good bots," she cooed, "I guess someone has to give you pats then." she scribbled her fingers under steel jaws and eye-stalks went half lidded with pleasure. "Wait here,"

Oh Monday, who was a little overly excited to be getting pats went to follow Roxanne inside but was stopped by Friendly's claw. Daddy had Rules about Miss Ritchi's house. No bots inside without Daddy. Not even a little bit. And no chewing the furniture. 

Roxanne slid the Light Fantastic Away and eyed her copy of Night Watch thoughtfully. Would that be mean? It would definitely be funny. And it was one of her favourites...

Fuck it. Thematically appropriate or die.

She stuck a sticky note on the relevant page with a scrawled smiley and a "Could be worse!" and headed back to the bots.

"This is for Megamind," she said seriously, "And you're going to be careful with it," the bots bowged and Friendly magnanimously allowed Oh Monday to cradle the book carefully in its claws, "Tell him to take it easy, and no fighting over who gets to carry the book okay?"

The bots bobbed in agreement and flew off. Roxanne rolled her eyes fondly and went back to her article. 

* * *

Megamind looked up from his bored contemplation of the battle station ceiling (he should decorate it, maybe add some glow in the dark stars or something) and desultory thoughts about inventing a light display keyboard that didn't require a flat surface, when Friendly and Oh Monday flew back in bowging excitedly and dropped a book on his chest. He winced as a corner hit one finger then sat up eagerly at the realisation it was another Pratchett. He picked it up carefully and blinked at the interpretation of the famous Dutch painting on the cover. He had an odd fondness for that painting. Haunt Seb used to have him practise oil techniques on copies of the missing parts of the slashed painting.

He read until he found the sticky note then started laughing even as his fingers twinged in sympathy, "Well played Miss Ritchi" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am off to the beach for 10 days from tomorrow (Yay holiday!) so I will either be incredibly productive or drop entirely off the face of the earth. Who knows which? But all your lovely comments and kudos keep me writing
> 
> Yes the cover of Night Watch is a parody of the Rembrandt picture. Is Roxanne going to get her book back with the cover extended and the missing bits filled in? Probably.
> 
> Thanks to Dal for the loan of Megamind's prison uncles :)


	19. Uninvited

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bloop bloop fuck you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for ants and a panic attack this chapter. Poor Roxanne gets my personal phobia because write what you know? More like write what you NOPE!

Kamala at Reception waved as Roxanne walked back into KCMP from Hop Kee's Friday lunch special, "Hey Roxanne, got a sec?"

"Sure" Roxanne dodged around Brad who was shuffling past with a hand full of memos, "Whats up?"

Kamala pushed an oversized envelope towards the edge of her desk "Have you signed Val's card yet? We're all putting in for the baby bouncer," Roxanne slid out a glittery card with a picture of a pram and the caption "Can't wait to meet you!"

"Right, I didn't realise she was so close," Roxanne pulled out a pen and scribbled a short congratulations message. "How much do I owe you?"

"Oh whatever, most people are putting in about ten dollars"

Roxanne handed back the card and raided her wallet, "I've got a twenty on me, When are we getting the bouncer?"

Kamala slipped the note under the card and started going through her purse looking for change, "Oh Yumi is picking it up before the shower on Sunday"

"Oh." Roxanne hadn't realised there was a shower happening. Usually the KCMP family parties were a rotating roster of whoever wasn't working that day and she had this weekend off. She'd been planning to see if Yumi wanted to meet for brunch at one of their favourite cafes.

"Do I hear my name?" Speak of the devil, Yumi appeared behind Roxanne, giving her a friendly bump on the shoulder.

"We're just signing Val's card" Kamala was still digging through her bag, "Do you have change for a twenty Yumi?"

"Sorry 'Mala, no cash on me. What did you need it for?"

"Change for the baby bouncer," Roxanne bared her teeth in a grin at Yumi, "What kind are we getting anyway?"

Yumi paled.

"Oh its this cute hedgehog one" Kamala put in, "Sorry Roxanne I thought you saw the email last month." She looked up and blanched at their faces eyes flicking between Yumi's pale face and Roxanne's tight smile.

"No. I didn't."

Kamala looked mortified, obviously unaware Roxanne had been kept in the dark about the baby shower.

"Hey, neither of us knew," Roxanne kept her tone light, tucking her wallet back in her purse "I've gotta get back anyway,"

"But your change-"

"Don't worry about it," She started heading for the lifts, leaving Yumi to deal with a embarrassed Kamala, "Call it hazard pay" She shoved the elevator button forcefully and glared at the line in the doors, willing them to open faster.

Ding!

Finally. Roxanne waited for the discharge of people and stepped inside, jabbing at the door buttons. Yumi slipped in just before they closed, "Roxanne-"

"Is it because I don't want kids?" she tried to joke.

"It's not you!" Yumi put in quickly, "Its just...Val's family and her playgroup are all going to be there..." she looked desperately awkward before muttering, "They're pretty nervous about any plus ones."

"What?" Who the fuck would she bring to a baby shower? Except oh Wayne went crazy around kids, and they went crazy for him, treating him like a superpowered playground. "I wouldn't bring Wayne if they didn't want me to."

Yumi gave her a look, "That's not who we were talking about."

"Who? Megamind? He wouldn't-" Roxanne bit her tongue, knowing she couldn't say anything about Monday's kidnapping being the only one for the week. "He never bothers with anything related to kids" she tried.

Yumi looked uncomfortable "I guess you'd know."

"Right." Roxanne took a deep breath and tried not to feel hurt. You didn't even need to be a journalist to realise Megamind never tried to kidnap her more than once a week. And he avoided anything involving children like the plague.

"Val wanted to invite you." Yumi touched her arm, Roxanne smiled at her brightly.

"No you're right. No one knows what's happening in my week, least of all me most days" she lied through her teeth, "Val should do whats best for her family."

"Most of the people here know you only get picked up once a week"

"You make it sound like date night" Roxanne laughed brittley.

Yumi gave her a pained look, "We should have told you at least."

"Yumi," Roxanne took a deep breath and grinned at her coworker, "It's fine, really. What would I do around a dozen babies anyway? Interview them for Diapers Monthly?"

"I'm really sorry,"

"No its fine." Roxanne gripped the strap of her bag, "Who's on Sunday? If someone wants to go I should offer to swap."

"Rox..."

"Yumi I said its fine." The elevator dinged for their floor and she strode out of the lift and back to her desk without looking back. 

Slumping into her chair Roxanne wished she hadn't taken lunch so early. She could really use an excuse to get out of the office right now.

She could see Yumi heading towards the anchors desks where Val sat. Roxanne jammed her earbuds in and stared at her computer. The worst part was she couldn't even blame them. Not inviting someone in danger of getting kidnapped was a perfectly reasonable reaction (except for the part where Megamind hated kidnapping her in the middle of something where he couldn't control the crowd). Her coworkers didn't need to make it some big secret.

Still it would have been nice to be asked. 

Roxanne glared at her mouse as her computer decided to have a moment and relive its past life as a snail. For fuck's sake she didn't even like babies. They just cried a lot and you couldn't leave them alone like a pet or a cactus. That wasn't even touching not wanting to deal with the inevitable "So...when are you and Metro Man going to start looking at options?"

Last time someone had asked them that Wayne had gone on for forty minutes about how much he loved kids and Roxanne had stood there with a fixed grin and wound up the unfortunate recipient of half a dozen fertility clinic and adoption process referrals.

Val gave her an embarrassed look as she hurried past to the newsdesk, Roxanne did her best to give her a warm smile and shut down any attempt at a last minute guilt invite by stating she was planning to help her sister with wedding stuff anyway (surely Marnie would need something).

Val looked exceptionally relieved at that and Roxanne spent an uncharitable afternoon wishing Megamind was due to blow up her office and kidnap her today.

* * *

Saturday morning, Roxanne walked into her kitchen, opened the window to breathe in the scent of the mint and coriander growing in the windowbox and felt a light tickle on her hand. She looked down.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Fuck no.

She flinched back and scrubbed her arms frantically, eyeing the thin crawling black line travelling from the herbs to her pantry with growing horror. Her sugar bowl was so covered it looked like it was writhing.

Fighting the urge to scratch her own skin off she fumbled for her phone and dialled, "Heyyy... um this is really stupid but I need you to please come emergency kidnap me before I set my kitchen on fire?"

Shocked questions echoed down the phone.

Roxanne turned to grab a cloth from the sink and let out a short whimper at the mass of ants clambering over one another in the drain as the voice in her ear finally caught up with her brain.

"What? Now? Miss Ritchi are you alright?"

She hadn't.

She pulled the phone away from her ear and stared at the blue dot on the screen.

She had.

"No its stupid, its fine I probably woke you, _dontworrynevermindbye_ " she hung up.

Oh shit.

* * *

Megamind blinked down at the phone in his hand. He was intimately acquainted with the hallmarks of a panic attack. But usually people try to run to safety when panicking, not away from it. So why was Roxanne, brilliant, driven, fearless in the face of deathtraps Roxanne calling him of all people in the middle of one? And why did she think her kitchen needed to be on fire?

Dread curdled in his gut.

"Minion!"

* * *

This was ridiculous. She was fine. They were just ants. Ants for fuck's sake. Just lots and lots of tiny black ants with little prickly legs crawling through her kitchen and out into her home and through her clothes and her books and- Roxanne tried to pull air into her lungs. This was _stupid_ she was _fine_ they were _just ants_. She'd dealt with this before. She'd spend twelve hours cleaning everything she couldn't immediately throw out and would scrub her skin raw after they were all dead just like last time.

She had Ant Rid under the kitchen sink, and bug spray and ant sand. Just a few steps away, right there, right within easy reach, right where the ants were crawling and would drop off into her hair and burrow down into her skin and-

There was a roaring in her ears that drowned out all other noise. She could taste blood in her mouth where she'd bitten through her lip. She clenched her fists and forced herself to take a step and smash her heel down on one ant that was investigating the grout between her kitchen tiles. 

The ant moved.

And ran across her foot.

Along with three of its friends.

Roxanne shrieked and leapt backwards, smacking into a spiked shoulder. Long hands clamped firmly down on her arms and pulled her away from the kitchen.

"Miss Ritchi," _Shit shit shit_

She was lifted to sit on her kitchen table.

"Miss Ritchi." _Nope nope nope not happening_

Gloved fingers brushed the ants from her bare feet

"Miss Ritchi!" _No no no-_ Hands slammed down either side of her hips. The bang made her jump and she finally focused on the green eyes glaring at her with some concern.

_Oh fuck_

"You're here" she whispered. _Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck_ he'd seen her freaking out over a fucking ant infestation and acting like an idiot and this was so not cool and there were still ants in her kitchen and. Roxanne buried her burning face in her hands, "Fuck. I'm sorry, you didn't need to come."

"Miss Ritchi you sounded scared -" Yep. Great. Seven years of kidnappings and he finds out she's terrified of tiny little insects. 

"No!" she babbled, "Its fine its really stupid-" Hahahahahaha fuck she's a moron. Not even scared of reasonable things like spiders or public speaking or getting fucking blown up by a giant robot, just fucking ants in her house.

"Miss Ritchi..." Oh great now he sounds annoyed, good going Roxanne you weirdo

"I just -they get in the cupboards and food and I cant-" Cant deal, cant breathe, just call your serial kidnapper to fix it. Sure. Excellent rational thinking there Roxanne. First prize. "I'm sorry I shouldn't have called you-"

"Roxanne." Long fingers clamped down on her thigh, grounding her to the sharp edge of the table pressing into the back of her knee. The other hand cupped the back of her head, steady pressure on her skull. "I want you to press back against my hand," Fingers shifted in her hair, "For a count of three. Can you do that?"

She hunched her shoulders and nodded jerkily.

"One..." She dragged in a breath and pushed back.

"Two..." The fingers on her thigh shifted to lace with the ones on her head.

"Three..." Roxanne pushed her head all the way up and slumped back to lean on her hands. Staring at the ceiling so she could blink away tears "Thanks...sorry, you didn't have to come."

The hands slipped away, she missed the pressure.

"Its fine. Myrmecophobia is unpleasant but there's nothing unusual about your reaction."

"Myrmecophobia?"

"Fear of ants"

"Oh. Great. So there's a word for the crazy."

"Its a phobia Miss Ritchi, its not supposed to be rational."

"But its not even ants, its just ants inside!" she hiccuped, still staring at the ceiling, "I did that whole show on the body farm last year and I was fine with it!"

"One expects insects on corpses Miss Ritchi, not in one's own home."

"But its so stupid!" She could see him in her peripheral vision, stepping over to the kitchen and making an interested noise at her sink. He fiddled with the watch at his wrist and spoke quietly for a moment in a language she didn't recognise before twisting it off again and glancing over the benches.

"Really its quite impressive how many of them there are...how did they manage to get so high?" 

Roxanne made a small noise at the thought of her building crawling with ants.

"Ah its a nest in your window box, I see..."

"Throw it off the building."

"What?"

"If you don't I will." Somehow. When she can get into her kitchen again. Maybe she can just move?

"That's a pity given you finally got your coriander growing properly"

"Don't care. I want those little fuckers dead."

"How delightfully bloodthirsty of you Miss Ritchi" she heard the fridge door open and the sound of water being poured into a glass.

"I'm such an idiot," she moaned, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face again. Footsteps echoed back towards her, stopping in front of her feet.

"You are anything but. You had a symptomatic reaction to a phobia and you were smart enough to call for assistance." There was a clink as the glass was set beside her.

"Sorry"

"And stop apologising"

"Sorry" 

There was a frustrated growl, "Troublesome reporter, now I know you're doing that on purpose."

Roxanne felt a smile pulling at her mouth and peeked over her knees, "...sorry"

Megamind was standing in front of her, one hand on his hip, smiling faintly as he rolled his eyes, "I've let Minion know what's going on. He's on his way over to help rid you of your uninvited house guests."

Roxanne flushed, "That's...no he doesn't need to do that."

"Too late. I think he's planning to reorganise your pantry as well," he sounded amused.

Roxanne gave a pained groan, "No..." Minion was going to be so disappointed in her with the excess of Mi Goreng she had in there. That thought was almost enough to distract her from the ants. Almost. "I asked you to kidnap me and instead you're cleaning my house."

"Honestly Miss Ritchi after all the times I've inconvenienced you, I think you're entitled to demand my assistance on occasion."

She gave an awkward laugh and reached for the glass, sliding her feet down from the tabletop "Do ninety-nine kidnappings and the hundredth is free?"

"Sure, why not? Probably work better than the frequent kidnapping card" He waved a hand and grinned at her. Roxanne curled her toes up away from the floor and fought down how ridiculous she felt about the whole thing. Asking a supervillain for help. How embarrassing. And he'd come too, even more humiliating. 

Megamind rocked back and forth on his heels as he watched her stare at the glass for a moment before she took a sip and sniffled again. She glanced up and him and flushed again then looked away, "Will Minion be here soon?"

"Soon enough," he pulled a piece of chalk out of a pouch on his belt and scraped a line along the grout of her kitchen tiles. 

"Chalk?"

"The dust gets into their joints," he tucked the shortened stick away and dusted off his fingers with a grin, "They wont cross it"

"Oh. Good to know" Chalk is getting added to her shopping list immediately.

Roxanne rubbed her fingers over the condensation on her glass, "Do you think Minion would give me a hug?" She asked quietly.

Megamind's expressive face shut down entirely, "You can ask him when he arrives, I'm sure he'd be delighted." He turned away to dehydrate the hoverbike resting on her balcony outside and close the balcony doors. Roxanne hadn't even noticed the they were open. That must be how he arrived so quickly.

"Thanks," she sniffed and scrubbed her hand over her eyes, still fighting the urge to scratch off her skin, "I'd ask you but you're all spiky." She clenched her teeth down on her tongue because fuck's sake Roxanne, seriously?

Megamind froze, "Do you- that is? Do you want a hug Miss Ritchi?"

"Yeah," Roxanne stared down at her feet, "I kinda think I do."

"Ah." There was a rustling sound, then a click. A collar and spiked set of pauldrons was set down on the table beside her, followed by a long black cape. Roxanne looked up, he was still wearing the leathers and a deeply uncertain expression "I can ah-?" His hands fluttered up then down, "If it would help?"

Roxanne nodded and reached out, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. His hands wavered, then came to rest gently at the small of her back, cautious of the spikes still on his gloves. Roxanne breathed in and allowed herself one long exhale to hold on to him as tightly as she could. She felt his arms tighten in response and the weight of his head leaning against hers.

A rhythmic knock sounded at the door, "That will be Minion Miss Ritchi," he spoke into her hair, "Shall we let him in?"

"Yeah, okay" Roxanne gave him one final squeeze and let go. Shifting towards the edge of the table she let her feet dangle above the floor and hesitated.

"Would you like me to get you your shoes?" he asked gently.

"Yes please"

He crossed the room and opened the door to a bulky figure that looked like a mashup of Egon and Stanz from Ghostbusters, complete with grey jumpsuit and a basket of cleaning supplies. Roxanne blinked and giggled a little wetly, "Nice outfit,"

"Thank you Miss Ritchi," Minion replied primly, blinking a little at the sight of Megamind sans mantle and cape kneeling by the shoe rack in Roxanne's closet, "I've left the car in the alley Sir, I wasn't sure if Miss Ritchi needed a lift somewhere."

"Ah good thinking," Megamind carried a pair of flats over then frowned when he realised he had two left shoes in his hand, "Why do you have two of the same left shoe?"

"Because the bots chew on them."

He tutted and shook his head "I'll have to update their routines. They should know better." He tried to find a right flat and gave up, instead bringing a pair of sandals.

Minion was setting out a selection of cleaning items and picked up Roxanne's broom to start sweeping the ants on the floor into a corner before hitting them with a blast of bug spray "Leave it to me Miss Ritchi, you go with Sir and I'll clean this up."

Roxanne looked at her kitchen and winced "No, Minion I cant ask you to do that"

"Its not a problem Miss Ritchi," the henchfish said happily sweeping "Even if they try to get in the suit I can have Sir run it through the nitro chamber to get them out.

Roxanne glanced back at Megamind, "You have a nitro chamber?"

"I do." he nodded, "I use it for controlling some of the more proactive items in the Lair so they're kept out of harms way," He gestured towards the door, "Is this a kidnapping or not Miss Ritchi?" he teased mock impatiently.

Roxanne felt a smile flicker over her face and held her hands out as though for ropes, "I don't know, I'm not unconscious yet,"

Megamind glanced at Minion who was giving him a look, "I think we can dispense with that for today," he allowed uncertainly. 

Roxanne finished her water and busied herself slipping her sandals on her feet as Minion handed Megamind a set of keys, "This shouldn't take more than an hour Sir, Miss Ritchi. But you might want to be outside while I get this cleaned up." 

"Thank you Minion, we will rely on your cleaning expertise," Megamind swung his cape and mantle back over his shoulders with a flourish then held out a hand to help Roxanne off her dining table, "Come along Miss Ritchi, let's leave Minion to get this sorted."

* * *

Down in the alley with the Invisible Car...

Megamind slid into the drivers seat, gripped the steering wheel and allowed himself exactly one point seven seconds to relive the sensation of Roxanne Ritchi's arms.

Evil gods she had been so _warm._

The way her face had pressed against his shoulder, leaning her weight against his chest. The second time she squeezed him he nearly died.

He doesn't let himself think about the sensation of her hair brushing his mouth, the way the scent of her lingers. To think about that behind the wheel might actually kill him.

He jerked upright as the passenger door opened and Roxanne peered inside, "I always wondered what the inside of the car looked like," she said curiously.

"Kindly don't leave the door open for the world to see Miss Ritchi," he said curtly. She jumped and scrambled inside, slamming the door behind her then flinching at a speck of what turned out to be dust on her leg that she scrubbed at frantically, "Sorry," she mumbled, folding her arms across her middle. 

Megamind considerately pretended he hadn't seen anything and turned the engine over.

"Fucking ants" Roxanne groaned, buckling up, "Its weird isn't it?"

"All phobias are weird Miss Ritchi. People have reactions to all manner of things. Clowns, spiders...public speaking"

"Yeah I never understood that one"

"Oh me either" the reporter and the supervillain shared a look of mutual incomprehension then simultaneously shrugged.

"Is there somewhere we can go?"

"Anywhere you like"

Roxanne looked down at herself and winced. Denim shorts and a faded white top with what had once been red polka-dots. Not exactly the well put together broadcaster she usually presented herself as, "Can we just drive for a bit? Or go somewhere there aren't many people?" she asked, "I'm not really dressed for public consumption."

"You don't want me to deliver you to a friends?" He pulled smoothly out of the alley and manoeuvred expertly between the Saturday morning traffic.

Roxanne flushed uncomfortably, of course he had better things to do than hang out with her while she kept jumping at every tiny flicker for the rest of the day, "You have stuff to do," she muttered.

"Nothing that I can't reschedule." His eyes slid over to hers for a moment, then returned to the road, "I'm considering today an interesting experiment where you elect to have yourself kidnapped for once."

* * *

They ended up at the end of an old pier by the far end of the docks. Roxanne sat down on the edge and leaned against a bollard, dangling her feet above the lapping water.

After a moment, Megamind joined her. 

"Did you ever wind up finding all the explosives?" she asked, shading her eyes to look over the water.

"No thanks to the flying menace, but yes" he responded, crossing his arms and leaning against the painted wood before voicing a concern that had been growing in his mind, "Why didn't you call Metro Mahn?

Roxanne shuddered and he regretted bringing it up, if his damsel wants to call on him for rescue, who is he to complain? "I did say I was trying to not set my kitchen on fire."

"Ah, reasonable," he acknowledged.

Something chirped and Megamind glanced at his wrist, "Excuse me a moment," he stood up and twisted the dial on his watch. A tiny voice echoed out, speaking something that Roxanne thought sounded like Russian. Megamind answered in the same language, then twisted the dial and spoke again in Japanese, then twisted it off and the voices disappeared.

"How many languages do you speak?" Roxanne asked interested.

"Nine fluently...a dozen or so more I can usually muddle through on." He made a vague gesture, "That or whoever I'm speaking to is too afraid to tell me that I've called their mother is a gangrenous camel." He gave her an evil grin, "Being terrifying has its advantages."

Roxanne stared, "Holy shit, how?"

"Jail is extremely boring Miss Ritchi,"

"I wish I could do that."

"Go to jail? Overrated. Though if you're keen to commit any crimes I'd be more than happy to assist..."

Roxanne rolled her eyes and gave him an amused look.

"I can swear in another twenty six," he offered.

"What really?"

"Prison is a remarkably thorough tutor in some respects Miss Ritchi,"

"Then how come you're always going in about "Oh for Evil's sake!" or "By all that is dark and wicked!"

"We are broadcasting to the city Miss Ritchi, we do try to keep things..." he trailed off and his ears flushed, Roxanne raised an eyebrow, "Somewhat family friendly" he muttered.

Roxanne cackled, "Oh my god you're like the PG-13 of supervillains! Massive destruction and explosions but no blood and only one F-bomb!"

"Oh fuck off" he told her grinning and she laughed harder.

"At least I'm not like Metro Mahn, my public cursing is at least a little bit entertaining"

"Oh no Wayne actually swears like that. Kelp kittens is about the closest he gets to anything rude"

"Ha, you never heard him in high shool then"

She blinked at him curiously and he changed the subject before she could indulge her curiosity further, "The only one who swears on camera is Minion,"

"Minion doesn't swear!"

"He most certainly does! Haven't you ever seen him blow bubbles when he's frustrated? He is a remarkably foul mouthed fish"

Roxanne covered her mouth with her fingers and giggled, "That's- oh my god that's hilarious, bloop bloop fuck you"

"More you've got to be fucking kidding me," he imitated the fishy tones.

"Aww poor Minion"

"Really he's the lucky one,"

"How so?"

"Oh come now Miss Ritchi, you know what its like to want to swear on camera and have to behave."

She shot him a look of understanding commiseration, leaning back against the bollard and swung her feet over the water "You have no idea how relieved I was the first time I heard you say fuck"

He snorted, "You've heard me say worse than that,"

"Oh definitely. But it was the first time you felt relatable. Like you were a person and not just a persona."

He blinked a little at that, "I'm trying to remember when that was..." 

"Excavator of Eradication"

"That thing?" Megamind laughed, "Oh gods don't remind me of that disaster!"

"Mm the whole drunken teetering into the fountain was a bit of a debacle" She gave him a cheeky grin and he buried his face in his hands and groaned.

"I had thought I'd -aha- eradicated that memory," He muffled through his fingers.

"I'll remember it for you," Roxanne said loyally, "I can take it out and relive it on nights when I need something to cheer me up."

He glared at her through his fingers, "I'm delighted my misfortune makes you so happy"

"Hey you give me a front row seat to every show, you can't blame me for remembering what happens"

"Its my own fault for kidnapping a reporter," He looked remarkably relaxed lazing against a painted wooden bollard, one foot hanging over the water, skin bright blue in the sunlight. Roxanne felt something in her stomach unclench and her shoulders dropped for the first time in what felt like hours.

"So twenty-one languages..." she said thoughtfully, "English, Russian and Japanese? What else?"

"Oh plenty, German, Italian, Swahili, Kaurna, Esperanto...Earth syntax always follows particular rhythms. Once you've learned a few it gets easier to add more."

"Say something"

Megamind gave her the look everyone gives someone when they are asked to display a talent, "Like what? Which one?"

"All of them," she shrugged, "Do one of your evil monologues,"

He raised an eyebrow at her and she grinned, "This is a kidnapping after all" she said invitingly.

He laughed, "Beware Metrocity!" he started in Parsi, "For today you will feel the true wrath of Megamind, incredibly handsome genius supervillain!"

"I have kidnapped the lovely Miss Ritchi" he continued in Urdu, "Or rather today she kidnapped herself" she recognised her name and obligingly crossed her arms behind her back, pretending she was sitting in the Chair and winked at him. He jumped up to pace behind her to hide his blush and switched to Latin.

"Of course without much notice I'm afraid we have no deathtraps or creations of destruction handy to threaten you with," Swahili "And we certainly don't want the great flying idiot showing up so I can't even use my de-gun so clearly" he planted one hand on the bollard behind Roxanne and gestured grandiosely out towards the lake, "The only possible option is to threaten to throw you in the water!" He declared in German.

"You'll never get away with this!" Roxanne laughed, picking up her cue.

He leapt up onto the bollard beside her and leapt from one to another as he kept going in Arabic "Of course if I threw you in the water now I'd have to fish you out again and even I'm not wiling enough to swim in this part of the lake."

Roxanne turned to keep him in her sight and leaned on her hand again as she tipped her head back to feel the sun on her skin. 

"Miss Ritchi I see you've escaped your bonds!" Megamind exclaimed in Mandarin "Vexatious creature what am I going to do with you?"

She raised her eyebrows at him.

"I'd give you this city on a silver platter," he threatened in Welsh, "I'd let you strip every secret from my mind and burn Metrocity to ashes to keep you warm in the flames."

She smiled brilliantly and he switched to Russian, warming to the subject, "Impossible damsel, how am I supposed to concentrate when you look at me like that?" He carried on in Spanish, "I could live forever in your eyes," as his hands started showing off in ASL "I would break myself like waves on a reef to have you tell me you love me"

"Dual wielding," she noted, glancing at his hands, "Fancy"

He flicked his fingers at her and started pacing again, cloak snapping as he whirled, "Alas I only have one mouth, and though it speaks many languages, it is my heart that speaks the loudest," he proclaimed in Romanian, "And it beats and beats and beats until it could break through my chest with love for you," his Hungarian was a little rusty but she didn't seem to notice.

"And if you ever tell anyone of this I will have you disappeared faster than the propagation of light in a molecule"

"Was that Klingon?"

"Stop interrupting," He switched to Finnish which she should have much less chance of understanding, "A hundred hearts would be too few to carry all my love for you."

"But I'm good at it!" she laughed.

"You are good at driving me to distraction," he retorted in Navajo, before changing to Gaelic, "Gods below know what you'd do with the truth, I might even finally hear you scream." he waved a finger in her face and she snapped her teeth playfully

"Ah ah ah Miss Ritchi," he teased in Thai, "None of that now you delightfully infuriating damsel of my heart."

He leaned on the bollard above her and finished in style in French as she watched him, "If you had any idea how much danger you are in from my heart I think you might just kill me...but as long as I live, I remain yours." He bowed with a flourish as she applauded politely, "Impressive," she grinned.

"High praise coming from you Miss Ritchi," He folded his arms and rested his weight on the painted wood. 

"I took a semester of French in high school" Roxanne said conversationally, Megamind nearly swallowed his tongue.

"Oh?" he replied in a strangled voice.

"Mhmm," she gave him a knowing look, "Would you like to know how much I remember?"

He can definitely outswim her. He'll just jump straight into the water and abandon the city and spend the rest of his days living at the bottom of the lake. Roxanne tucked her hands under her thighs and tilted her head "Quelle chance demain est un jour férié" she said triumphantly

"What." Why is she saying _What luck, tomorrow is a holiday?_

"That's all I remember," she shot him a sly look and broke into peals of laughter, "I knew it!" she cried, "What terrible thing did you actually call me?"

"Oh no Miss Ritchi I said nothing that wasn't entirely true." His heart was still somewhere up in his throat and he swallowed a couple of times to try and settle himself.

"So which languages were those? I kinda recognised most of them but there were a couple I have no idea."

He looked at her a little nervously, but either she really hadn't heard his linguistic confession or she was a more exceptional liar than he thought, "Which ones did you get?"

"French," she smirked, "I got the Russian?" she glanced at him and he nodded, relaxing by degrees, "German,and Japanese and ASL and Chinese"

"Mandarin," he clarified.

"And the...was that Italian?"

"Latin." He dropped down to sit braced against the bollard next to hers, "There was also Parsi, Welsh, Romanian, Navajo, Urdu and Levantine Arabic plus a couple of others"

"Levantine Arabic?" 

"Its a dialect in Jordan,"

"My parents wanted to name me Jordan," Roxanne said "but my mother" her voice went flat on the word "got a little loopy on the happy gas and was adamant that I be called Roxanne"

"Roxanne suits you Miss Ritchi"

"Yeah I've grown into it," She was looking at him out of the corner of her eye, "You called me Roxanne earlier,"

"You were panicking. It was that or slap you...I didn't think you'd appreciate being dehydrated."

"Oh I'd've slapped me too" she shrugged, "But I just realised you never call me Roxanne,"

"I'm well aware of your name Miss Ritchi,"

"I know, you say it all the time during the broadcasts," she frowned thoughtfully, "But you never actually call me by my name,"

Megamind swallowed nervously, "Professionalism even in supervillainy, Miss Ritchi" To use her name without her permission, well he has standards.

Roxanne considered that. He was the only person she knew who never tied to turn her name into some kind of nickname, something she appreciated more than most people realised. Roxanne was just as many syllables as Roxie. The fact that Megamind of all people never tried to address her with some ridiculous alternative said a lot about the other people she hung out with. She gave him a hesitant, curious look.

"Ask Miss Ritchi, I can see it gnawing at you whatever it is."

"It might be too personal," she hedged

He raised an eyebrow at her, "I'll be the judge of that"

"Okay, but you don't have to answer if you don't want," she bit her lip, "What did your parents call you?"

"Oh," he flushed lavender to the tips of his ears, "Well I was only eight days old when they flung me out into the stars, so I didn't have a formal name yet, but ah, they used to call me-" he gave a sort of trill with a melodic hum behind it.

"Oh," that was unexpectedly sad, "I don't know if I can pronounce that."

Megamind looked confused, "Why would you need to pronounce it?"

"But its-" she reached out and touched his arm, "Because its your name?"

He stared down at her hand on his wrist and she yanked it back sharply, "Megamind _is_ my name Miss Ritchi. My people chose their own names once they were old enough. Calling me-" he made the trill-hum again "would be like saying 'Whose a cutesy wootsie little love, its you! Yes you are!' every time you wanted to address me."

Roxanne laughed delightedly, "Oh well then I definitely have to figure out how to say it."

"I'm going to regret having told you that." He sighed with no real malice.

"Probably. So how would you say Megamind in your language?"

He gave her a sharp look, "Why do you need to know?" 

Roxanne shrugged, "Because its polite?"

"Because you're a nosy reporter,"

"That too"

"Oh all right," He gave a whistling trill and click, with a lower bass hum. Roxanne was looking at him, "Say it again," she prompted gently, he did.

"Okay," Roxanne tucked her hands under her thighs and tried to hum, whistle and click all at one. 

Megamind fell over laughing.

"Hey don't laugh!" She poked at his arm, "I'm trying! Not all of us can be evil genius polyglots" she tried again, but she couldn't get the hum and click to work at the same time.

Megamind laughed harder.

"Your larynx isn't built for my language Miss Ritchi" he gasped, clutching his stomach, "But you just did an excellent job of introducing yourself as a small piece of cheese!" He pressed a hand to his eyes and kept laughing until Roxanne was genuinely concerned he wouldn't be able to breathe. Finally he sat up, managing to restrain himself to small chuckles each time he looked at her, "Thank you Miss Ritchi I haven't laughed so hard since I cant recall."

Roxanne huffed in exasperation then grinned, "Well I guess you need something to make it worth getting out of bed in this morning," She looked around the docks, "I spy with my little eye something beginning with..."

"You."

"What?" She frowned and looked towards the city shoreline, "Umbrellas?"

"...good guess Miss Ritchi."

His watch beeped again and he glanced down, "Ah, it seems Minion is done."

"Already?" Roxanne would never admit she'd lost track a little of the whole reason they were out here in the first place.

"He assures me your apartment is now ant free if you'd like to conduct an inspection yourself."

"Right," She probably shouldn't abuse his time given she'd pulled him away from whatever he was supposed to be doing today. She scrambled up and held out a hand to him, "Thanks for doing this," she said blushing as she pulled him upright.

"Can't have anything else scaring my damsel now can I?" he answered easily, as he lead them back to the Invisible Car.

"Mm," Roxanne turned before she got in and snapped a quick picture of the sunlight on the water, "Its nice down here," she said surprised, "In an industrial sort of way,"

"It has its moments," Megamind agreed, he'd practically had these docks rebuilt from scratch in his starting years in a villain. Now almost nothing came in or out of the city without his knowing. Not as impressive as a giant battledroid, but important nonetheless. He turned the invisibility on the car off from his wrist rather than fumbling around for the door handle. Roxanne made a snorting giggle.

"What?" he said defensively, brushing nonexistent road dust from the fins.

"Piranha car!" she said gleefully, snapping a photo of the toothy grill.

"Invisible car," he corrected haughtily.

"Not right now its not. Why is it so spiky if you always keep it invisible?"

"Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it shouldn't look awe inspiring and evil."

Roxanne was still snapping photos of the car.

"You are far too excited about this," Megamind said shaking his head.

"Come on how often do I actually get to see the car," she pointed out.

"That is a completely valid point and if you keep that up you'll loose front seat privileges"

"Yeah yeah," she rolled her eyes "Can I drive?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Aw"

"Pouting will get you nowhere,"

"How about blackmail?"

He looked startled, flushing lavender, "Blackmail?" he squeaked, oh no she did know what he'd said. Roxanne snapped another quick photo of the embarrassed look on his face and checked the gallery.

"I mean I'd hate to have a photo like this run next time an article goes up," she teased, dodging away from him. Really it wasn't that bad of a shot, there were worse stills from battles in the past, he just looked nervous and his ears were bright fuchsia. 

Megamind caught her wrist and fumbled for the phone, "Oh no you don't!" he grinned, "If I'm having bad photos you are too!"

She laughed and tugged the phone away, "Doesn't work for you remember!"

"It will while you're still touching it!" Her thumb was still on the camera button, "Say cheese!" 

Thank goodness the camera in her phone was exceptional as he nearly knocked them into the car he was laughing so hard when she tried to whistle-click-hum his name again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who suggested the myriad of languages Megamind speaks, you all get a brain-bot named after you
> 
> Body Farms are very interesting places. Ants can fuck right off though.


	20. Sunday lazy Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne attempts normal human interactions. It fails terribly.

Sunday morning Roxanne woke up early and decided just because she wasn't ~~invited~~ _going_ to the baby shower was no excuse to not do something with her day.

She made herself a leisurely brunch of chocolate chip pancakes topped with strawberries and bananas, spent a lazy hour sipping coffee on her balcony with her copy of _Thud!_ and did two loads of washing.

Then she picked up her phone and texted Marnie to see if she needed any help with wedding planning.

_All good Annie!_ came the response a moment later, _Engagement shoot today!_

_No problem! Have fun lovelies! :)_

Okay, Marnie was busy. Yumi was...at the shower along with most of the people she worked with...she called Wayne.

"Hey Roxie, what's up?" there was clattering in the background "Hi Roxanne!" Todd called from what sounded like Siberia.

"Hi Todd. Not much, just seeing what you're up to today?"

Wayne chuckled, "Hopefully not much more than eating myself sick on cupcakes, Todd's experimenting with flavours." There was a muffled sound and Todd took the phone 

"Roxanne, tell me what do you think of Metro Man-go?"

Wayne groaned in the background.

"As a name? Great. As a cupcake flavour not sure."

"Hmm, I wonder if it would work better with dried mango in a muffin?"

"You're the expert" Roxanne stretched her feet out and propped them on the balcony wall, "Need another taste tester?"

"Wayne get out of the cream!" there was a crash and an embarrassed chuckle, "Thanks for the offer Rox but _someone_ just tipped a bowl of whipping cream on the floor and Wayne don't clean it up with your shirt there's cloth right...there..."

"That kind of baking huh" Roxanne laughed, "I'll let you two deal with the... _cream_ "

A breathless laugh echoed and Todd hung up.

Roxanne set the phone down, she liked Todd, he was good for keeping Wayne on track, and he made a mean cupcake.

Well it looked like she was flying solo today. She would...hmm. She could check in with Nadia? Except it was end of the school year and she'd be flat out so...

Her washing machine sang its little song of finished and Roxanne went to throw her clothes in the dryer, frowning at the state of her laundry floor. Maybe some cleaning was in order. Her kitchen was entirely too spotless thanks to Minion and it made the rest of her apartment look shabby.

An hour and a half later, her bedroom was spotless, the dust bunnies under her couch had been banished to the bin and her bathroom looked brand new. Roxanne jumped down from where she had been dusting her light fittings and sighed. It was only eleven thirty.

What about... aha! She grabbed her phone off the balcony and dialled the Metro City Racetrack, "Hi, I was wondering if Tai was working today?"

"Tai's on leave ma'am," said the voice that wasn't the person who accepted a sly hundred in lieu of a licence with only one demerit point remaining, "Was there something I can help you with?"

"Uh...sure what are your licence requirements for bikes?"

"Full licence with no probation in the last five years is fine. Are you interested in booking a lesson?"

Damn

"I'll think about it. Do you know when Tai'll be back?"

"After next week ma'am, would you like me to take a message?"

"No, thanks anyway, bye"

"Have a nice day ma'am"

Roxanne stared at the phone in her hand and sighed. Her dryer beeped, she went to pull out more washing, maybe she'd get her outfits ready for next week?

Forty minutes later, Roxanne was considering the red skirt in her hand, it was fine for a standing report, but would look a little short in the Chair. Though if she paired it with that gunmetal boatneck top...and added that wide navy belt that made her waist look fantastic. Did she still have a matching pair of those nude pumps? 

Hmm... she dug out the shoes and frowned at the alligator bite marks on the left one. Maybe not. She threw the shoes back in a sudden huff. What was she doing? It was a gorgeous sunny day and she was wardrobe planning for next weeks kidnapping.

Retail therapy, she decided, Get out of the house and maybe see if we can find the right bra for under the bridesmaid dress. Hell buy the shoes if she could find them.

It might be nice to have someone to go with...

Stop it

Roxanne sighed and flopped back on her bed on the pile of outfits. It was fine she was only a tiny bit...

Just a little...

Barely slightly...  
 ~~~~

~~lonely~~

Did she actually have no other friends she wanted to hang out with? Come to think of it most of the people at work tended to avoid her during the week until after she was kidnapped.

That was...kind of insulting actually. No wonder Yumi never wanted to get Hop Kee's Monday special with her.

She had other friends. Just no one interesting enough she wanted to hang out with right now. She arched and pressed her thumbs into the ache in her lower back. Getting old sucked. She missed the days when she could party all night and crawl in the next morning not even worried if she might get kidnapped. 

She was half stalking some old college buddies on social media when she realised the futility of her search. Her work colleagues were posting photos of the baby shower. Opening presents and toasting with juice. That was a very cute hedgehog baby bouncer she was never supposed to know about. Even Hal was posting photos of himself at a LAN surrounded by Cheetos and other socially awkward people in pizza stained shirts drooling over an over-endowed under-dressed elf maid. Even Hal had friends to hang out with! Hal!

That was mean.

But still! Hal!

Roxanne dropped the phone over her eyes and groaned.

How had she never realised people never wanted to hang out with her until after her weekly kidnapping? Or invited her out for a drink unless Wayne was there?

Come on! It wasn't like Megamind or Minion were even scary.

Okay they could be sure but it wasn't like they ever kidnapped anyone else anymore. Even the collateral damage was controlled as much as it could be.   
Roxanne pulled up a short back and forth of conversations and tapped out then erased a variety of messages.

_Hi_ -delete

_I'm bored_ \- delete

_What are you up to?_ \- delete

_Want to come shopping?_ \- definitely delete

_What did you think of Nightwatch?_ \- Too personal abort abort delete

_Is two emergency kidnappings in two days needy?_ \- Yes extremely. Delete

_Stop being a moron Roxanne and go have a normal human interaction_ \- she double checked she deleted that one twice. Stop fucking moping and go shopping already.

She threw herself off the bed and grabbed her keys

* * *

Three hours and a giant soft pretzel later, Roxanne was now the proud owner of two new pairs of nude pumps, a delighted owner of a particularly fun pair of moon and star sparkly earrings and an ambivalent owner of a half decent work shirt that she wouldn't mind if it got destroyed in the next kidnapping.

And a passion mango juice.

Bags swinging, she paused in front of a boutique offering a frankly spectacular red bra in a window display.

"Were you looking for something special today?" a woman with a short silver bowl cut bobbed a welcome at her as she stepped inside. 

"Something for under a bridesmaid dress," Roxanne was still looking at the display.

"Of course dear, we have some lovely strapless options"

"Oh its got straps," she gestured across the top of her bust, "Its just across here"

"Well lets get you fitted and we'll try some options."

The chattering bowl cut led her through the store and kept up a litany of questions about the wedding "Oh your sister, that's lovely" her work, "I thought you looked familiar" and the weather, "They're saying we're in for an awful summer, its hot enough already for me." as she fitted Roxanne and paraded a stream of full cup, balconette, minimiser, plunge and strapless bras through the change room.

"There are no good," Roxanne said finally, holding two handfuls of hangers out through the curtain.

"Ah Thank you" her hands were unburdened, "Did you want to try this one dear?" the hand proffered "I saw you looking at it when you came in. I'm afraid we don't have the red in your size but we have it in black?"

Roxanne slid the black one on and looked at herself in the mirror... _well now_

  
"How did you go dear?" the lady asked as she stepped out of the dressing room "These two thanks" Roxanne held up the bridesmaid and the navy bras. "Did you have the matching set?"

* * *

The lovely lady from the lingerie store directed Roxanne to a small cafe where there was apparently a rotating bookclub for drop ins so bags in tow, Roxanne took herself along to check it out.

She was greeted with looks of neutral welcome that rapidly turned into the kind of avaricious greed Roxanne was used to seeing when her interviewees were hoping Wayne would show up as one of them recognised her. Roxanne suppressed a growl as she was vividly reminded why she didn't try to meet people outside of work and asked what book they were reviewing.

From the blank looks she got in return this bookclub was apparently less for literary review and more for a chance to gossip while a terror of shrieking three year olds were set loose in the kids section behind Roxanne's seat.

She gritted her teeth and smiled through a particularly high pitched whine. She'd been threatened by a whirring deathtrap of sawblades that sounded more pleasant.

Maybe it was for the best she wasn't invited to the baby shower. 

She politely ignored the not so subtle digging for gossip on Metro Cities favourite boy and even less subtle queries about its least. If the other ladies were under the assumption Megamind was still in jail who was she to disabuse them of the notion. Otherwise she could practically set her watch by the tick tick tick down to "Oh shit supervillain attack?" panic and one lot of screaming was already enough. 

"Its my weekend off," she told them firmly and for some reason they believed her. That or they were just more interested in gossiping about how Brenda from playgroup didn't feed her kids organic mushed carrots strained through a hand woven wheatgrass sieve.

Twenty minutes later she barely escaped with her life after she agreed with one of the other attendees that traffic downtown on a Thursday was a bitch and copped an earful of "Oh but better than being kidnapped by that awful evil creature!"

Roxanne very politely did not throw her under caffeinated long black over the woman and her I-want-to-speak-to-a-manager's haircut, but it was a close call. She's the one getting kidnapped. She's the only one allowed to bitch about his ridiculous plots and hoverbikes and not making fun of her for being scared of ants.

Of course she knows how bad the traffic downtown is! Does she not spend half her workday in a newsvan? But no it was all "Oh nothing could be as bad as being threatened with certain doom!" and "Wasn't she so scared until Metro Man came to save her?" as though one afternoon a week of inconvenience completely obliterated every other minor irritation in the world.

Clearly none of these people had ever met Hal.

Roxanne "accidentally" knocked the carafe of water over the table as one of the little shriekers ran past and in the mad scramble to rescue phones bags from the puddle she dropped her mug back at the counter and left without another word. 

Maybe she could take her new outfit for a spin tonight? Far less chance of children at a bar.

* * *

Roxanne walked into the bathroom and set the shower running. She glanced down as she kicked off her clothes and

Ah

Well that explained back ache...and the chocolate chip pancakes...and the pretzels...and the sudden desire to make herself look like sex on heels even if she never got to actually do anything about it all that was left was the screaming void of misery and a good cry and she'd be fine.

Damn. Probably not worth going out tonight then. Just her and the misery void. Joy.

Roxanne stayed under the water until her skin wrinkled and she had successfully skirted the edges of the whirlpool of despair. Then threw on her cosiest pjs and meandered towards her kitchen for a hot chocolate.

Bowg?

Roxanne blinked and looked up at the bot floating at her balcony door "Oh its you"

Bowg! The bot spun and presented her with the etched plate bolted to its side. In sharp slashes the word FRIENDLY gleamed at her like a shout.

"Are you Friendly now?" Roxanne opened the door "Are you bringing me another book back?"

Bowg, Friendly drooped, no book.

"Did Megamind send you?"

If a bot could look bashful Friendly had it in spades.

"Just came by for a visit then?" Roxanne reached for the cup of pens sitting on her kitchen bench and tossed a bulldog clip, steel jaws crunched delightedly, "Well I guess its nice to see a friendly...face?"

Oh no

Roxanne's face crumpled.

Friendly spun frantically, crying! Crying not good! Designation: Daddy would be mad. Hesitantly, the bot reached out just past the doorway (still a Good Bot, still outside) and patted her shoulder with one claw.

Roxanne hiccuped and pressed her hands over her eyes "I'm fine Friendly I knew this was coming." She sniffled and forced herself to breathe in and out slowly, then gave the bot a small smile "See?"

Friendly looked like it didn't believe her. 

"C'mere," Roxanne held her arms out and tried to motion the brain-bot inside. Friendly hovered at the doorway. Inside...okay? Designation Roxanne_Ritchi says come in...

Friendly really wanted to come in. Friendly also didn't trust that Designation Roxanne_Ritchi was as okay as she said. 

"Please?" She held her arms out again. Friendly made up their mind that this fell under Patrol Duties and obediently bobbed inside.

Inside! Inside! Inside! 

The other bots were going to be so jealous!

Roxanne beckoned the brain-bot into her living room and settled on her couch. Friendly floated in front of her, dome tilting curiously, Bowg?

"Good bot Friendly" Roxanne cooed, Friendly's claws wriggled in delight. Good bot! Good Bot!

Good bots get pets and to play fetch and Inside!

"Can you keep a secret?" Roxanne asked quietly, smoothing her dressing gown over her knees and patting them invitingly.

Bowg!

Friendly folded their arms up and nestled on her lap, Roxanne petted the dome, watching plasma arcs follow her fingers and sighed, "Its really lonely being part of the big battle between Good and Evil." she told the attentive bot, "I'm glad Megamind has you and Minion for company. You're very lucky" She laughed a little and rested her head on the cool glass, "I think it finally clicked yesterday. I hadn't realised how good it felt to just joke about it without someone trying to turn it into a lecture about being safe and making how I'm terrible life choices. It's...nice" 

Friendly nuzzled her with its eyestalk and did its best to purr, silently filing tonight's data under Secrets > Confidential > Friendly Eyestalk Only. 

* * *

The next Tea with Topsy brought Minion and eclairs on the hoverbike, along with a purposeful Megamind who immediately began installing a small black box in her kitchen window frame.

"I have decided that your apartment requires some additional features Miss Ritchi" he stated, pulling a tiny screwdriver from who knows where.

"Is that a bug?" Roxanne asked, leaning over his shoulder. She was not okay with having her apartment wiretapped.

"It's an Anti-bug. It has a ultrasonic radius of seventy feet which should be enough to prevent any further insect incursions into your apartment"

"Oh. Wow, thank you."

"You're welcome. I couldn't have my favourite kidnapee screaming over something as small as an earwig when even I with my magnificent brain haven't managed it yet" He finished screwing the tiny box to the windowsill and pressed a small button on the top, a tiny red led blinked on. "If it stops working let me know, but it should be good for six or seven years."

Roxanne definitely wasn't going to hug him. He was all spiky "Wow, that's- thank you Megamind that's amazing...would you like coffee?"

"I-" his eyebrows went up at her praise and he smiled slightly, "Yes thank you Miss Ritchi, that would be lovely"

Roxanne bit the inside of her lip and turned to get the caffeine symbol mug down from the cupboard.

"Sir?" Minion interrupted sounding as though he would rather be saying anything else _Biva if you're still listening you need to find Mante and strangle him_ "You have the territory meeting today."

The smile slipped, "Ah, so I do. What would I do without you, Minion?" He shrugged at her, "Sadly I do have other matters to attend to today Miss Ritchi, but thank you."

"Territory meeting?" Roxanne asked, setting the caffeine mug back on the shelf.

"Overlord business" his expression changed to one of dramatic villainy and he waved a finger at her "And don't even think about using your reporterly wiles to find out more!"

The side of her mouth curled up as she glanced from his finger to his face and flicked one eyebrow skyward, "I used to bite people who put their fingers in my face"

Megamind grinned, "Is that a threat or a promise?"

"Sir..." Minion had his dome in his hands.

"Yes, yes Minion I'm going. I'll drop the car off at the end of the street for you later."

"Thank you Sir"

"Do let me know if you have any issues with the anti-bug Miss Ritchi."

"Sure," she followed him to the balcony where the gleaming chrome of the hoverbike rested. "Did you figure out how fast this thing can go yet?"

"Significantly faster than would be legally allowed had it been a commercial vehicle." he answered smugly.

"Really..." Roxanne gave the hoverbike a speculative look. "Thanks again for the anti-bug and the," she gestured in the direction of her kitchen window "everything."

"Not at all." 

"Oh, wait a second, " Roxanne darted back inside and to her bookshelf, where was it- where was it? Aha! She grabbed the book and dashed back outside, "Here!" she thrust The Fifth Elephant at him, "Seeing as you cant laze around on my couch today"

Megamind accepted the book and stowed it carefully, "Thank you Miss Ritchi, I shall leave Minion in your capable hands." 

"We'll have fun plotting your inevitable downfall"

He rolled his eyes at her and sped away in a gust of wind. Roxanne went back inside to spend the afternoon on eclairs and planning and tried not think about fast hoverbikes.

* * *

"So the anti-bug, was that one of his old inventions?" Roxanne was scrolling through her phone, searching for wedding shoes.

Minion looked up from where he was putting away his planner, "No Miss Ritchi,"

"Oh," she looked up in surprise and frowned "I thought things like that had been on the market for ages."

"Inferior ones perhaps," Minion sniffed, "Sir hadn't made anything using ultrasonic subharmonials in a long time. I think he appreciated the challenge." They walked towards her door, Minion switching on the disguise generator back to Gaston Bubbles as he went.

"Wait so he made that in a week?" Roxanne opened the door and stepped back.

"Two days, Miss Ritchi."

"What? Seriously? He just makes something whenever someone mentions they need a thing for the fun of it?"

"No Miss Ritchi," Minion glanced at the phone in her hand, "He does not." he gave her a small bow and closed the door behind him

"Huh."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne doesn't hate kids in this fic, but she has no desire for any and lacks the mental energy to want to deal with them.   
> Bra shopping is the worst
> 
> Biva and Mante gods on Megamind's home planet and are from my oneshot The Shoal


	21. Spidercrabs and surprises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Megamind has a good news day that mostly feels like a very confusing feverdream and he would like to go back to bed now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look who finally got a clue!
> 
> This chapter caused me so much pain. So much.

Today's Evil Plan involved a massive spidercrab battle droid that loomed and stomped heavy clawed feet as it rumbled ominously off to one side in the Lair. Megamind was striding back and forth across the battle platform, extolling its virtues as the greatest fighting machine ever created, how it would lay waste to Metro Man and City alike. Roxanne sat chained to the Chair in the middle of a wheel of slowly approaching saw-blades on a separate platform ten feet in the air. She was humming the Imperial March under her breath as she waited and was trying not to smirk at the way Megamind kept accidentally matching his pace and his monologue to the beat.

Megamind finished his challenge and threw himself into the big evil chair with a spin, Roxanne rolled her eyes, "Showoff" she called down.

"Professionalism!" He countered with a wicked smirk, "As I was saying Miss Ritchi, I hardly think it appropriate to-"

"Okay guys I was kind of in the middle of something, can we wrap this up quickly?" Wayne appeared between them in a blur of white, cape askew and glove fringes tangled.

"Quickly!" Megamind leapt up and paced towards the hero "Oh no Metro Mahn," you are not defeating my Spidercrab of destruction anything like quickly! As a matter of fact you wont be defeating it at all!"

Metro Man twisted his head around and jerked his chin in greeting, "Hey Roxie," He looked uncomfortable, rubbing awkwardly at his neck.

"Hey Wayne," Roxanne shrugged rather than try to wave with her hands behind her back, "Cape's crooked,"

"Yeah I know," the superhero sighed and fumbled with his collar.

Megamind growled in irritation, "A little professional courtesy wouldn't go astray! I'm not having anyone misjudge my inevitable victory because you look sloppy!"

Metro Man dropped his hand and cracked his neck "Ugh fine!" he grumbled and Megamind saw the red bite-mark on his throat.

Megamind knew full well how hard Metro Man's skin was. He'd spent hours trying to get so much as a scratch on the bastard during some plots. Concussive bruises healed in minutes. Impacts that would leave humans so much meat jelly smeared on the ground he could heal from in a matter of hours, if they even inconvenienced him at all.

For Metro Moron to have a mark like that, when he's had Miss Ritchi tied up here for the last hour...something was very wrong.

Megamind was suddenly incandescent with rage. He slammed off the cameras and stalked towards Metro Man, shaking in fury "You- you what is wrong with you!" he snapped a hand out to point in Roxanne's direction "Your girlfriend is tied up in mortal peril, facing certain death! And you're off- what? Screwing some bimbo? How dare you!"

Metro Man looked deeply confused "What?"

"Your neck you-" he trailed off into dissonant trills and shit he hasn't lost his words like that in a long time. They've been playing this game for years but suddenly Megamind is fifteen years old again and wants nothing more than to rip Wayne Scott's stupid head from his stupid fucking neck.

Metro Man actually looked sort of alarmed at that, he held up his hands patting at the air gently, "Okay wait a minute little buddy, just hang on-"

Megamind was still ranting "-golden child of Metrocity- given every opportunity! How could you do that to Miss Ritchi!"

Oh this was really bad. Miss Ritchi was going to be devastated. She's never going to want to talk to him again after she finds out about this, "She deserves better!" he hissed furiously.

"Whoa whoa, wait" There was a blur and Roxanne was suddenly unbound, cuffs lasered through and out of the Chair on the floor beside them "I think we need to resolve something here,"

Megamind turned to Roxanne who was flicking her eyes between the two of them, evidently puzzled.

"Miss Ritchi I am so sorry," He babbled, "I had no idea this would- you didn't- I never-"

Roxanne tilted her head and smirked suddenly at Metro Man " _Wayne Scott_ ," she said in a voice like she's just been handed the keys to her very own hoverbike "Is that a hickey on your neck?"

Okay yes thank you excellent question but the tone was all wrong and now Metro Meathead was gazing sheepishly at her as he blushed, "Maybe? You guys sort of interrupted our lunch date."

Roxanne was laughing as she shook the super-heated bits of steel carbiner from the cuffs still circling her now unbound wrists "Lunch, huh?" she quirked an eyebrow and the hero dropped his shoulders, chuckling awkwardly, "C'mon Roxie when else do I get to see Todd?" 

"Oh please, you saw him on Sunday,"

"And its peak wedding season! We spent the whole time trialing new cake flavours!"

Roxanne gave the superhero an amused look, "I'm sure you were just slaving away cleaning the kitchen for him," innuendo dripped from her voice.

Megamind had never seen Metro Man turn that colour before. It did nothing to improve his opinion of his nemesis.

"You're such a brat," Metro Man huffed.

Roxanne grinned, evidently entertained, "How is Todd anyway?" 

"Going to be pretty pissed that I didn't just hyper-accelerate you out of here and get back before he goes back to work?" Wayne replied, cheeks still red, "But other than that, pretty good"

"Aw diddums"

Megamind was prepared to put it in writing that he officially had no idea what the fuck was going on. 

"Why the hell is this funny!" He burst out, and they both turned to look at him, he gestured frantically at Roxanne, "Shouldn't you be offended that she's tied up- or she's supposed to be- and in mortal danger?!"

"Ha!" Metro Man slapped his knee. It was the dorkiest thing Megamind had seen him do since grade six, "I wish I had an excuse to tie Roxie up, its the only way she stays out of trouble!"

"Hey fuck you"

Megamind turned on Roxanne, "Shouldn't you be reigning down the fires of vengeance? Demanding access to my lasers to watch him flee for his life against your wrath?"

Roxanne's eyes lit up, "Ooh, can I?"

"Roxie..." Metro Man said warningly and sighed when she stuck her tongue out at him, "You're not the boss of me Wayne."

"That's because you told me it was a conflict of interest for me to own your news channel,"

"Hey I didn't fight my way through three Defender's Council tribunals just for you to buy my TV station because you got told to diversify your stock portfolio." She retorted, she turned back to Megamind, "Lasers?" she asked brightly.

"No," he scowled blackly, "He's your boyfriend! Why aren't you angry?"

"He's not-"

"I'm not-" Hero and damsel spoke over one another then paused and exchanged looks, Roxanne held her palm out to him in a this-one's- on-you gesture. Metro Man looked at Megamind awkwardly, "Look can we call timeout for a second?"

Megamind folded his arms impatiently, "Yes fine, whatever. "Could someone please, for the love of all that is dark and unholy, actually explain what is going on? Why wasn't I notified about the possibility of another damsel!"

"Because there isn't one." Wayne explained, clarifying nothing.

There was a beat as Megamind and Roxanne glanced at one another but Wayne seemed to think this was all he needed to say.

"I understand this might be difficult for you," Megamind snarled, "But could you please provide just a little more context," 

Metro Man frowned at Roxanne, "I thought you said he already knew,"

"I did think he already knew," she held up her hands in a shrug, "He knows everything that goes on in the city," 

That's very flattering to hear but not precisely accurate right now. Megamind groaned and shoved the heels of his palms against his eyes, getting out of bed this mor- ...well two days ago, was a mistake, "Who the hell is Todd?" 

Metro Man blushed and scruffed his fingers through his hair, setting his toothpaste quiff into disarray, "He's my boyfriend" he mumbled in a disgustingly sappy tone.

"He's your- then what about Miss Ritchi?"

"Are you kidding?" The superhero floated upwards as he gestured towards his not so apparent girlfriend, "She's the one who told me to go for it!"

"I did!" Roxanne called from where had stepped over to say hi to a couple of the brain-bots hovering off to one side. She held up one hand and tapped it against the claws of the closest bot, KayBee, who hesitantly bapped back, "High five! Good job!"

"Why would she do that?"

"Because he was piiiiiining" Roxanne glanced over her shoulder and gave Wayne a shit eating grin, "And writing really bad poetry," joan-ollo, the other brain-bot, was nuzzling her other hand excitedly, eager to learn the secrets of the high five, "It was so bad, seriously. I used to dream about getting kidnapped just so I could get away from him trying to rhyme cream and butter with heart's a-flutter."

Megamind shot Metro Man an appropriately disgusted look.

"It was a first draft!" Wayne defended.

"It was an affront to the written word and I stand by my decision to burn it."

"Good call," Megamind muttered, wait no he was getting distracted, he whirled on Metro Man and jabbed one long finger at him, "Todd? Todd who?"

"Todd Nguyen"

"No absolutely not." The supervillain folded his arms and glared, "Unacceptable. There isn't even any alliteration! I am not kidnapping anyone called Todd!"

"Damn straight" Roxanne muttered under her breath.

"Well good because Todd is off limits!" Wayne snapped.

"That is not your decision to make!" Hero and villain glared at one another.

"I am the supervillain! I take who is most important so that you respect the level of threat! What the fuck are you going to do if I accidentally threatened both of them at once!"

"Relationships can change but people can still be just as important! Just in a different way!"

"How could anyone not be as important as Miss Ritchi! She's been your girlfriend for seven years!"

"No she hasn't!" 

"Hey what does this button do?"

Megamind and Metro Man looked up with twin expressions of terror. From her position, leaning arms folded against control panel Roxanne cackled loudly.

"That is not funny!" Megamind growled.

"Kinda is," she laughed, "You suck at explaining things," she told Wayne who looked like he was practicing deep breathing exercises.

"I am in agreement with you there Miss Ritchi," Megamind shoved Metro Man's chest with his de-gun, "If you have a- a Todd why are you always taking her to parties?" His brain was whirling, how had he missed this? What kind of information gap does he have in his network that he'd never heard of Metro Man having a new partner? Miss Ritchi had even complained about having to attend that soiree the other week. Was Metro Man just stringing her along?

Metro Man eyed Roxanne hopefully over Megamind's blue skull. 

"Uh-uh flyboy." She shook her head, "Your relationship, your report. I don't know how much Todd is comfortable sharing."

Wayne sighed, "Roxie, please," he looked at her pleadingly.

"Ugh, you are such a fucking coward," she rolled her eyes, "Short version," Roxanne stated impatiently, "Wayne and Todd are dating. Todd's shy, Wayne's a coward who hates going stag to parties and I am a nosy reporter who likes getting free access to every high society function and the sources therein so we agreed I would stay on as the public significant other."

"And how long precisely has this been going on?"

"About eighteen months?" Roxanne guesstimated.

"Twenty months next week," Wayne said with a goofy grin.

"You kept this from me for twenty months?" Megamind was furious, "You idiot!" he raged at Metro Man, "You completely compromised the last two years of plots! Not to mention put Miss Ritchi at incredible risk!"

"That's pretty rich coming from you Mister Knock-me-out-and-tie-me-to-a-buzzsaw." Roxanne snorted, "Besides, it wasn't anything we hadn't discussed before."

"Roxie staying damsel was part of the agreement," Wayne added cheerfully, "Pretty sure she would have killed me if she stopped getting kidnapped," he muttered in an undertone. 

Megamind raised an eyebrow, evidently waiting for more than that. 

"Look Roxie invested a lot of her career into all of," Wayne waved a hand around the Lair and gestured at himself and Megamind, "It wouldn't be fair to ask her to give that up when I've found someone else,"

"And what does your boyfriend think of all this?" Megamind sneered the word and Metro Man scowled.

"Don't." He said warningly.

"Don't you "don't" me you block-headed bastard!"

"Buddy if you make this into a homophobic thing-"

Megamind pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to breathe calmly, "I. Grew. Up. In. A. Prison." he snarled, "If anything I have a far better set of ethics about all this than you! You, apparently, could be doing an enormous amount of good for the queer community but you'd rather hide behind Miss Ritchi-"

"I mean I wouldn't want to face her at sword point but-"

"That's because she is a menace!"

"I know right?"

"Hey!" Roxanne interrupted "I write your bylines misters, both of them!" She kicked at Wayne as she reached out and flicked Megamind's ear, Metro Man bounced in the air in surprise, "Don't be rude." She told Megamind firmly, "We're both public figures. You know what the tabloids can be like," she poked him in the chest, "It sucks but I didn't come out of the cabinet when I was trying to get a job, you don't get to decide what Wayne and Todd do."

"I thought it was the closet?" Megamind tried not to rub his fingers over his ear.

"Not if you're pan," she smirked.

"Roxie," Metro Man groaned, he looked at Megamind, "She tells that joke every time."

"Because its funny and I am hilarious."

"Its not and you're not. You just think you are."

"Megamind thinks I'm funny,"

"Megamind thinks blowing up a fountain in the middle of the city is funny,"

"Now you're both doing this on purpose." Megamind growled, his head was spinning and his ear was aching and he still only had half an idea what was going on. "So you two," he gestured between them, "Together or not?"

Roxanne and Metro Man glanced at one another and shared a mutual look of having to reach into the sink to clean out wet food scraps barehanded.

"Purely platonic" Wayne confirmed, "Don't get me wrong, I love her but," he gave a supersized shudder, "She bites if you try to interrupt her while she's chasing a lead."

"I do," Roxanne confirmed happily, "My orthodontist knows to just bill Wayne direct nowadays,"

Megamind blinked and tried to shake his brain into order.

Miss Ritchi is not dating Metro Man.

Roxanne is not dating Wayne Scott.

Roxanne is single (presumably? Possibly? Further information required)

Roxanne. 

Roxanne is an (unofficial) damsel and is not even dating the hero

Is that even allowed?

Technically yes but that means...

Roxanne is not dating Metro Man

She could have simply declared herself off limits for the wedding. She could have declared herself off limits for life. Even in an unofficial capacity. She didn't even need to try to organize her calendar with Minion.

Roxanne is not dating Metro Man.

Yes thank you brain we got that memo can we please concentrate on the relevant information here?

Roxanne is not dating Metro Man.

Yes. The damsel is single and she's apparently been letting you show up and disrupt her life for the better part of the last two years without even the questionable benefit of Wayne Scott's romantic interest. And for what? Well her career obviously but two years is more than enough time for her to pivot towards news anchor...

Roxanne is not dating Metro Man

Right. That is...definitely something he can just fit into his worldview like it hasn't just thrown every interaction over the last two years into complete disarray.

Roxanne was eyeing him with a slight wrinkle of concern in her brow, "Megamind, seriously I thought you knew,"

"I kidnap you, I don't monitor every aspect of your life Miss Ritchi!" he snapped, shoving the unexpected revelation firmly into a box marked "Problems for later to keep Evil Geniuses up at night" and turned angrily to Metro Man, "I am not a party to these agreements, so I suggest you start explaining just what you expect to be happening here because I am not about to re-calibrate the entire Evil Lair on the off chance your private paramour decides to go public!"

Wayne sighed, "Todd doesn't want to deal with the public, even Mother doesn't even know,"

"Yeah you really need to tell her," Roxanne said offhandedly.

"But Roxie," he whined.

"Tell. Her. Wayne if anyone is going to understand it is her, okay?"

"Okay," the hero's shoulders slumped, "Will you help?"

"I'll supply moral support," Roxanne said loyally, Wayne barked a nervous laugh, "Isn't that what you named your taser?"

"I'll supply that too."

Metro Man groaned and scrubbed his hand through his hair again, "If she doesn't know it stands to reason you probably wouldn't either," He told Megamind "I don't know why Roxie thought you would." 

"Because he has the biggest sexiest information network in the state," Roxanne responded avariciously.

They both blinked at her, she smiled widely, "I'm gonna go make friends with the Spidercrab, you boys have fun sorting this out." She clapped her hands and practically skipped across the floor towards the enormous robot which tilted its optical input at her curiously.

"Thing has the safety on doesn't it?" Metro Man said out of the side of his mouth.

"It's a giant battle droid!" Megamind exclaimed, Wayne gave him a look, "Of course it does, I'm a supervillain not an idiot." Megamind glared up at his nemesis, "Besides I doubt Miss Ritchi is interested in directing it on a rampage downtown."

Metro Man stared at him "Are you sure about that?"

"I think she would have accepted my offer of Evil Queen if she was interested don't you?" 

"Roxie doesn't care about evil she just wants to go fast!"

Excuse sorry what now? "The hell does that mean?"

"Look all I'm saying is you see her try to race you in your dad's vintage charger one time..."

Megamind groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose again, completely missing Roxanne ducking under the Spidercrab frame to look at its shell mounted laser turrets curiously, "I hate everything about today."

"Who wants coffee?" Minion called, clumping in with a tray, "Miss Ritchi I've been trying these ginger biscuits I think you might like but I..." He trailed off as he took in the tableau of Metro Man and Megamind glaring at one another while Roxanne was playing with the Spidercrab, encouraging it to lift one limb at a time, stand tall and crouch down. She looked like she was having the time of her life. 

"Uh Sir?"

"What?"

"Metro Man's here Sir,"

"I'm well aware Minion. We're in timeout"

"And Miss Ritchi is untied," 

"I'm aware of that too."

"Oooookay?" the fish said slowly, handing the tray off to a Owl-in-a-basket, "Has there been a change of plan Sir?"

"There's been a change of something alright!" Megamind flung up his hands, "Apparently this one" he jabbed one finger at Wayne "Has a whole other romantic partner we were not aware of!"

Minion didn't look surprised. 

Megamind stared at his fish, "Minion?" What new betrayal was this?

"Well I knew that Miss Ritchi wasn't seeing Metro Man...exclusively Sir," Minion fluttered uncomfortably, "It would make sense if Metro Man wasn't either." Wayne's head went up and he looked at Roxanne curiously, "Since when were you dating again?"

Over by the Spidercrab Roxanne looked puzzled and folded her arms, "Minion," she asked deceptively sweetly, "What are you referring to?"

Minion looked deeply embarrassed, "I...Sir asked me to collect you from your house one day...and there was someone in your bed Miss Ritchi...with you"

Roxanne's gaze went flat and angry "What the fuck Minion? I thought we agreed my bedroom was off limits!"

"You were asleep!" he waved frantically, "The door was open! I closed it and told Sir you were sick!"

"When was this?" She looked slightly mollified, if a little annoyed.

"Years ago Miss Ritchi"

"July three years ago" Megamind offered, he wilted under her scorching glare, "That's the last time you were sick! This is the first time I'm hearing of any of this!"

"July?..." Roxanne frowned, then her brow cleared and she looked slyly at Metro Man, "Oh, Paula." 

Wayne went red.

"Who is Paula?" Why does everyone have surprise additional paramours except him?

"Paula's an old friend. We used to hook up in college when we were bored." Roxanne shrugged "She was over for a conference and looked me up for old times sake," she smiled maliciously at Metro Man, "Paula is one of the reasons we have the no showing up when Roxanne's screaming rule, don't we Wayne?" 

"Roxie" Metro Man buried his face in his hands, "I apologized for that so many times"

"I know. She really appreciated the use of the Scott villa on her honeymoon last year."

Megamind gaped. Minion reached out with one finger under his chin and his jaw clicked shut.

"Whatever you're imagining it has nothing on what actually happened," Roxanne smirked.

"I've never looked at a Scrabble board the same way" Metro Man muttered.

Scrabble?

Minion rolled agitatedly in his dome, "We're not going to have to recalibrate the whole Lair are we Sir?" he asked nervously, "Everything is built to accommodate Miss Ritchi,"

"Is it?" Roxanne asked curiously, the hero and villain ignored her but Minion gave her a small nod, gesturing at the deathtraps and holding his hand up at Roxanne's height.

"I have no idea Minion." Megamind stated flatly, "I'm still waiting to hear the explanation as to why it took you two years to inform me about all this,"

Metro Man opened his mouth and hesitated.

"That's because Wayne's a cradle snatcher!" Roxanne crowed gleefully, one arm slung around one of the Spidercrab's legs as she swung around giddily.

"He's twenty six!"

"That's still an eight year gap flyboy"

Metro Man glowered, "Marcus" he said clearly. 

Roxanne blushed and stopped swinging, "He was only three years younger and he'd just spent eighteen months in a timeloop so he doesn't count! And it was only a one night stand! And I told you that in drunken confidence!"

"Marcus?" Megamind said bewildered

"Former New York damsel," Wayne added helpfully, "Skinny guy, wears a lot of black, works at a modern art gallery"

"When did you even meet him?!"

"At the Damsel conference four years ago." Roxanne mumbled, avoiding everyone else's gaze.

"I thought you weren't invited to those?"

"I went as a reporter." she shrugged, waving away her embarrassment, "I love my job, it gives me a lot of wiggle room"

Metro Man laughed, "No shut up" Roxanne pointed at him, he waggled his eyebrows at her, "Shut up. Shut up, I hate you."

"What? Megamind said bewildered.  
"She got stuck trying to climb through the vents in-" Wayne started confidentially before Roxanne launched herself across the floor and straight up to plant her feet on Metro Man's chest, one hand twisted in his collar and the other slapped over his mouth.

"I. Will. End. You." she hissed, flushing bright red. Metro Man reached up and plucked her off by the back of her shirt, depositing her on the floor again. Roxanne twisted and scratched at him like an angry cat.

For some reason Metro Man seemed to think this was funny.

Roxanne glared at him and turned to Megamind, "Can I have a laser?" she demanded.

"Ask nicely" he responded automatically but Roxanne was already distracted by the spidercrab lowering its the turret lasers mounted under the shell, "Oh aren't you a clever thing," she crooned, the battledroid clanked at her happily.

"I'm pretty sure those can't hurt me but I'm more concerned that thing is listening to her," Wayne muttered.

Megamind scoffed and waved a signal at the bot, "Timeout you, that means no lasers,"

The lasers drooped towards the floor sadly. Roxanne pouted and went back over to console the Spidercrab by tying to teach it to high five with its front claws.

"So..." Metro Man trailed off awkwardly, "Are we good? Todd is off limits right?"

Megamind gritted his teeth.

"I mean I can take you to jail now," Wayne continued, but I'd rather not leave Roxie here alone but if you want to take a break I can go finish lunch we can do this in an hour or so?"

"An hour?" Megamind exclaimed, "Need I remind you Evil doesn't work to your schedule Metro Mahn, any more than it does Miss Ritchi's!"

"See," Roxanne called, "I told you Wayne, this is why you need a planner"  
"Roxie..." the hero whined, trying to appeal to Roxanne, then Minion but receiving no sympathy "I'm not buying a planner, anything I plan is just going to be disrupted anyway."

"Well we certainly could have started a little later if we'd known," Minion put in primly.

"We most certainly would not!" Megamind objected, "Evil waits for no Todd!"

Metro Man huffed then glanced over at the Spidercrab droid and did a double-take, "Is she allowed to be up there?"

Roxanne had scrambled up the narrow ladder attached to the front leg and was petting the glowing dome, "Whose a good destructor bot hmm?" The bots eyes were glowing satisfied dull half circles "I bet we could climb up Metro Tower you and me, wouldn't that be fun? Are you fast? I bet you're so fast"

The bots engine rumbled in a low purr.

It was a sight that could be summed up as fantastically sexy.

"She is not." Megamind growled, mentally fixing the picture in his mind, "Get down from there!"

"Yeah yeah," Roxanne flapped a hand dismissively and kept stroking over the plasmafied glass.

"Roxie could you not pet the giant robots please" Metro Man asked plaintively.

The grin she shot them was genuinely terrifying, "I'm just showing my appreciation for clever fingers"

Megamind never realized Metro Man could turn that colour, "That is not appropriate" the super hero muttered, then "I thought strip scrabble was meant to be hands free"

Hands free strip scrabble...what.

Roxanne did something frankly obscene with her tongue curled around one canine and winked.

"Roxie!"

"Fine, I'll behave."

"I really wish you wouldn't" Megamind murmured his brain having finally caught up with what was being implied. A significant portion of it had been distracted by Miss Ritchi perched on top of a giant battle droid with shell mounted lasers. Roxanne grinned at him, "See!" She leaned forward her legs tucked up beside her, like a pinup come to life, "He doesn't mind!"

That is not helping

"Roxie!" Metro Man looked appalled, she cackled delightedly. Wayne folded his arms, "You're trying to cockblock me on purpose aren't you?"

"Fucking sucks doesn't it?" she grinned.

"I thought you liked Todd,"

"I do like Todd, but this is very entertaining"

Metro Man looked at Minion, "You might as well hit her with the spray again, she'll be super annoying for the rest of the day now"

"How dare you I am a fucking delight!" Roxanne tossed her hair. 

Metro Man sighed, "I'm begging you" he looked pleadingly at Minion, "If I try and fly her home now she'll try and jump off half way home again"

"I tried that one time!"

"And you nearly broke your neck!"

"Eh," She waved a careless hand, "I'm fine"

Megamind should have felt insulted that they're ignoring him, and concerned that Miss Ritchi is still on top of the Spidercrab. But he's still trying to wrap his head around the fact that Roxanne is apparently single and the comment with the clever fingers and...

He had the strongest urge to just sit down and let the world spin on without him for a while. Minion shot him a concerned look that he waved off with far less sanguine care than he currently felt "Fine, fine Todd is off limits" Megamind shook his head, "I trust you will inform me if there are any further developments I need to be made aware of?"  
Wayne looked relieved, "Yeah of course! Thanks buddy,"

Megamind nodded morosely. He's going back to bed, he decided. He needed a nap. Or a coma.

"Look on the bright side," Metro Man patted his shoulder consolingly, "At least you wont have to re-calibrate all the giant lasers and stuff?"

"Oh so Miss Ritchi is staying on?" Minion asked brightly.

Metro Man grimaced, "Have you tried telling her no? She said she's not letting some little jumped up influencer from the Defender's Council take away her ratings boost."

"Oh that's good," Minion said, satisfied, "Miss Ritchi would you come down please?" he called, "I think we're ready to begin,"

"Kay!"

The Spidercrab lowered itself down obligingly until Roxanne could clamber off the shell and onto the floor, she was grinning widely as she slid down "I want one!" she declared.

Metro Man looked horrified, "Roxie, no"

Roxanne flipped him off, "You don't get a say in this" she turned eager eyes on Megamind and clasped her hands in front of her "She's gorgeous! Can we go downtown on her?"

Megamind felt the day, which was already slipping very quickly, spin entirely out of his control, "I am not rebolting the Chair to the Spidercrab just so you can go for a joyride Miss Ritchi,"

"No," She pouted "Don't make Georgie carry the Chair"

"Georgie." He echoed flatly

"Did you just name the robot Georgie?" Metro Man asked curiously.

"She looks like a Georgie"

"Her name is not Georgie and you are not taking her downtown" Megamind argued.

"Are we not doing that today?" Roxanne looked disappointed, "But you could tie me to her mandibles!"

_Roxanne will kill me if I stop her getting kidnapped_ , Megamind remembered, "Miss Ritchi I will thank you not to choreograph your own kidnapping."

"Roxanne if you go downtown on the spidercrab I'll have to stop her" Wayne warned.

Roxanne gasped and spread her arms protectively in front of the giant robot, "Don't you dare hurt Georgie!"

"Stop calling her that!" Megamind snapped

"Why not?"

"Because that's not her-its name!"

"Well what is its name then?"

"It's a Spidercrab! it doesn't have one!"

"Why not? You named the lasers?"

"Those are the lasers! Will you please get back in your seat so we can finish this properly?"

"Make me!"

"Nope" Metro Man looked up at the ceiling and sighed with enough force that his feet brushed the floor, "This is not my problem." He gave Megamind a sympathetic look, "If she tells you she'll keep to the speed limit she is lying." He glanced at Roxanne, "Yell if you need me Roxie"

"Say hi to Todd for me"

"Will do. Bye Georgie"

He was gone in a blur of white. The spidercrab waved a leg, traitor. Minion took the now cold coffee back to the kitchen.

Megamind tried to recall when Roxanne and Metro Man had started treating one another differently. Was he certain they ever had? She'd never simpered and fussed unnecessarily, it was part of the reason why she was his preferred damsel after all.

He waited awkwardly for Roxanne to notice him again, "So... I'm guessing the breakup was amicable then?"

"What breakup?"

"You and Metro Man?"

Roxanne rolled her eyes, "Megamind we were never dating in the first place."

What

_What_

_WHAT_

The shock must have shown on his face. Roxanne stared, "You didn't know?"

"Miss Ritchi I called him your meathead boyfriend all the time!"

I thought you were being sarcastic! Or trying to insult me!"

"Why would I be sarcastic about that? And I would never insult you!"

"Then why did you think we were really dating?"

"Oh I don't know the media circus? The tabloids? The fact that you were always on his arm at parties? You said it yourself it was deliberately manufactured!"

"It was a cover! He could dodge debutantes and I got access to VIPs at parties! I thought you were smart enough to figure that out!" She poked him in the chest, right above the lightning bolt on his suit. "And what about you then? With all the- the flirting!"

Flirting? "Banter! That was- that was pre-camera banter! And any so called "flirting" you thought was going on was merely an attempt to seduce you into being my Evil Queen!"  
Roxanne gave him a look that Megamind was fairly certain he had patented some years prior. It was the _nice try but you're not fooling anyone_ smirk with the tilted eyebrow and had she gotten that from him?

Irrelevant.

Megamind laid down his trump card, "If you weren't dating, then what about the fact that he told me to stop talking to you!"

"He what?!"

"Every time he dragged me back to jail it was always 'I I don't think the way you speak to Roxanne is appropriate' and telling me to stop delaying so long before turning the cameras on."

Miss Ritchi looked furious.

"Okay" Roxanne put her hands in front of her, "Hang on a second." she stepped back, drew in a deep breath and shouted " _WAYNE YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING HIMBO GET THE FUCK BACK HERE_!"

Well. That was a moment he was going to treasure until his dying day.

There was a blur and Metro Man reappeared "What?" he snapped, his hair was even more rumpled and shirt was unevenly buttoned.

Roxane poked her finger into his chest "Why would you tell Megamind to stop talking to me?"

Metro Man was definitely looking aggrieved, "Because it wasn't talking."

"There! You see?" Megamind jumped in, "Banter! like I said"

One advantage of being a seven foot tall flying alien is that its really easy to look down your nose at someone. "It was absolutely not banter"

"Excuse you it absolutely was banter"

"No. Banter is what you and I do on camera. What you two do is...honestly I don't know what it is. Flirting with lethal intent? Either way I'm not standing between the two of you for fear of instantaneous combustion."

"So even if you weren't dating you still had to police mine and Miss Ritchi's actions"

"Yes." Metro Man scowled, "I did. Because I didn't want to show up to rescue Roxie one day and find you two under a cape on top of one of the giant lasers!" 

That was an oddly specific aversion.

Roxanne suddenly became very interested in the floor.

"Miss Ritchi?" Minion was loathe to interrupt, but if this Evil Plan wasn't going ahead today, there was only a few minutes before Miss Ritchi's usual afternoon time-slot, "Didn't you say you hoped to be reporting on the outcome of the Landlords vs Tenants appeal if you weren't kidnapped today?"

"Minion!" Megamind was appalled, "What happened to Evil!"

"But Miss Ritchi doesn't want Metro Man to hurt Georgie," Minion pointed out reasonably, "And she was very protective of that story not going to the other reporter,"

Roxanne blinked "Fuck!" she grabbed Metro Man's arm, pointing with her free hand at Megamind, "This conversation is not done. Wayne? You are going to drop me at work right now and you are going to stay there because I am not done yelling at you yet!"

* * *

Of course directly after that, a fire ripped through one of the outer areas of the city and Roxanne spent the next three days at work, only stopping long enough to fall into bed when she wasn't sleeping at her desk and there wasn't time for any conversation at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spidercrab, spidercrab  
> Doesn't fit in a taxi cab  
> Got long legs, lasers too  
> Glowing eyes, and her spikes are blue  
> Look out! Its Georgie Spidercrab


	22. Naps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roxanne gets to sit in the big chair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was meant to update Rings first but that one is still coming along, I certainly haven't abandoned it or anything else. But I am only one author and very small, I'm trying...

After three days of round the clock live fire coverage of a blaze not even Metro Man's powers could easily suppress, Roxanne wasn't sure whether she was coming or going. She had fallen asleep at her desk more often than her in own bed, running out into the night to provide coverage of new areas, contained blazes and directions for people seeking support. 

Then she would fall back into her chair at work and help run the life feed, advising which shelters were full, where people could bring donations and update the tally of injured and killed while the office admin staff brought round after round of coffee until she was ready to vomit at the smell of it.

She recalled waking at one gut churning moment to find Hal way too deep into her personal space holding her arm to wake her.

She should probably feel bad about punching him as an automatic just woken up response, but she was to tired to care. And now he wouldn't get within three feet of her which was a nice change.

By the end of the third day she was so tired she had nearly forgotten her own name. Her veins were more coffee than blood and it took her boss three tries to get her attention while she stared at him blankly from her desk chair. 

"Ritchi. Ritchi!"

"Wha?"

"Earth to Ritchi." Max looked like shit, rubbing a tired hand over his bald spot, brown shirt and green tie crumpled from sleeping at his own desk. "Get out of here Roxane. We've got enough covered to run us until tonight. Go home and" he yawned so deep she could see his tonsillectomy scars, "Get some sleep. I need you back here for follow up interviews with rescue crews at ten tomorrow."

"I-" Roxanne's jaw cracked as she caught his yawn, "Sure Max" she stumbled out of her chair, blinking at the office. The morning team were scurrying about, passing notes and brushing powder onto the anchors faces, getting ready or the seven AM broadcast. She pulled her bag over her shoulder with aching slowness and wove unsteadily around the rushing crew, plodding one foot in front of the other.

"Hey Roxaroo want a ride home!" Hal jumped into her path, forcing Roxanne to lean against the wall to get around him. His eyes had the manic hyperfocus that told her he'd probably just downed his seventh 5 hour energy drink in the last twenty four hours.

"No," Roxanne was sure there was another phrase she should add, some sort of codified manners system ingrained since birth, but her exhausted mind failed her. 

"C'mon Roxolla, you can nap in the front seat! I cleaned out the old fries and everything!"

"No...Fuck off." Ah there it was. Excellent phrase. Learned it at her grandmother's knee. Easily applied in all social situations. Said once and conversation done.

Hal's eyes narrowed, and he moved to stand in front of her again "Geez Roxie why you gotta be such a bitch? I'm trying to be nice."

Conversation not done? Rude. She just wanted to get home. Roxanne's fist clenched around the strap of her bag. Hal's eyes flickered down-up down-up from her fist to her face and he shrank back in fear, "Fine! Get a cab in rush hour traffic then!" he slammed off the wall of the corridor in his haste to get away.

Roxanne growled and kept plodding. Just to the end of the corridor...just across the foyer... just down the steps...just outside the building to the too bright light...just to the end of the block...

She stumbled against the wall of a building and slumped around the corner with the nearest taxi rank into a cloud flowing out from a can held by a cybernetic gorilla arm.

_Oh good._ She thought muzzily as the unmistakable scent of knockout spray hit her nose. _Now I don't have to find my way home._

Roxanne woke up, not any less tired, but marginally more alert after the enforced half hour knockout spray stint of unconsciousness. She was tied to the Chair, sitting in the middle of the control room of the Lair. Megamind was sitting facing her in the Big Ee-vil Chair, shoulders slumped, arms resting on his knees, hands dangling loosely towards the floor. He looked as exhausted as she felt. His mouth looked drawn and all the eyeliner in the world couldn't hide the dark circles under his eyes. 

He blinked at her, then looked away when she blinked back, realizing she was awake. He made a concerted effort to sit up and draw the de-gun, then fell back with a groan, weapon resting in his lap.

Roxanne scrunched up her face, trying to think of something witty to start the conversation...she was just...so tired... 

Megamind's head rested against the high back of the chair. The wings were padded with soft looking black leather. It was probably a great chair to curl up in... "Is that chair as comfy as it looks?" she heard herself ask as if from very far away.

Megamind gave her a tired grin, "Why Miss Ritchi," his voice sounded rough, "Care to drive in the seat of Evil?"

"More thinking it looks great to nap in" she yawned, "Fires...god I'm so tired..."

Megamind blinked at her, then slumped back even further "Evil Gods me too. I don't think I've slept in three days." He ran a hand down his face, scrubbing at his chin.

"Hey I was working..." She objected blearily, "What's your excuse?"

"I owned a couple of buildings in the area," he grimaced, "I've been trying to get my tenants resettled...but there's barely enough space to go around."

"Oh..." She blinked, "Shit...are your people okay?"

"Shaken and upset, a few instances of smoke inhalation." He waved a tired hand "Most lost the majority of their possessions. I've been co-coordinating relief packages for the past eighteen hours." 

"Are they mad that you burned their building down?"

Megamind didn't even look offended, "It wasn't me Miss Ritchi. If I had, I would have arranged for their personal belongings to be removed and had everyone out of the danger zone."

"Right...sorry" He was good to his people. She'd done enough research into Metro Cities underworld to confirm that a dozen times over.

He snorted, "I'm a Supervillain, it was a fair question."

"Yeah but you're one of the good ones," she sighed.

He blinked at that, either out of surprise or exhaustion, "I am not."

"One of the fair ones then," she frowned, why were they debating semantics of supervillainy, "You're a fair-" she yawned, "Overlord at least."

He chuckled tiredly, "A rousing endorsement,"

"D'you know who did it?"

"Nosy reporter," he grinned tiredly, Roxanne tried for a wink, that was really more of a blink that lasted probably a second or two longer than needed, "I'm waiting on a report from Hot Flash to track down the perpetrators," he informed her around a yawn.

"Hot Flash? Fire hair lady? Boytoy mansion?"

"That's her."

"Are you sure she didn't do this?"

"Without my authorization? She wouldn't dare."

Roxanne slumped back in her restraints "Fuck this week. I just want to crash on the couch and fall asleep watching a movie."

Megamind sighed, "That sounds so unbelievably attractive right now." He heaved himself out of his chair and with a couple of tries managed to slide the gun back into the holster at his thigh, "Would you consider a rain-check Miss Ritchi?" He trudged around her chair and started pulling at the knots on her wrists. "Next Wednesday perhaps?"

Roxanne let her head droop, relief mingling with exhaustion, "You sure? I can try if you really want to?"

"No no. I'm not doing this today, its not safe with either of us this tired." The ropes fell away, Roxanne pulled her hands to her front and rubbed her wrists.

"Okay..." she yawned again, "If you're sure."

"I'm sure." 

She felt the thunk of his skull leaning against the back of the chair and reached over her shoulder to pat his head, "Thanks Megamind."

"Don't mention it, I have a reputation to protect." The ties around her ankles hit the floor. Roxanne pulled her feet forward and pointed her toes, groaning as she stretched her tendons.

"Hey if you haven't called Wayne out yet I bet we can drag this out long enough to grab a nap?" she suggested sleepily.

A tired chuckle behind the Chair answered her, "Miss Ritchi if I fall asleep now I can guarantee there will not be anything more evil than leaving my boots on the couch happening today." 

Roxanne rolled her shoulders and stood up to stretch, "Hey I wont tell if you don't."

"Don't tempt me." Gloved hands gripped the back of the chair and Megamind pulled himself slowly upright.

Roxanne gave him a small smile and shuffled over to the big evil chair "What was the plan for today anyway?" she asked, prodding the wings. _Yep, soft._

"Oh just a-" he yawned again, "Battlesuit. Nothing special really. Honestly I should have given it another week but I thought I should do something to draw the attention back away from the fires."

"Mmm, you haven't gone quiet for more than a week in a while...people will probably think you're building up for one of the really big showy ones" Roxanne slid into the big chair of Ee-vil and gave it an experimental spin. "Huh, it is comfy," She spun again and tucked her feet up beside her. "Okay g'night" she cuddled into the side of the chair and closed her eyes.

"Miss Ritchi..." Megamind stared. There was a part of his very large and very tired brain that was screaming to take a photo of this. Many photos. Hell, he should be commissioning a life size oil painting.

Roxanne didn't move, "Shh, sleeping."

"That's my chair."

"No. S'mine now"

"Its in my Lair"

"I'm the Mistress of Evil, its fine."

He barked a tired laugh, "Miss Ritchi, please."

"Nuh-uh. You stood up. Void and forfeit. That's the rules" She cracked one eye open and eyed exhausted amused look he was giving her, "You can sleep in my chair if you want?"

He laughed and reached out one long foot to hook under the wheel, jerking the chair forward. Roxanne yelped, grabbing for the chair arms. He braced a hand on the tall back in an effort to keep himself upright.

"There's a couch by the wall that is much more comfortable Miss Ritchi, I assure you,"

Roxanne craned her neck to see here he was gesturing. Against the far wall was a black leather couch, tucked behind a bank of Tesla coils. A dark grey blanket draped over the cushions. "Too far. I live here now." 

"Troublesome reporter" Megamind pushed the chair in the direction of the couch, stopping just by the armrest "Here."

"No." Roxanne snuggled in deeper into the chair and breathed in. It smelled like him, leather and machine oil and cold water. It really was ridiculously comfortable.

"Up, Miss Ritchi."

"Make me."

Megamind growled something low under his breath and she felt his arms sliding around her waist and under her knees. Then with a sudden motion she was tossed onto the cool black leather of the couch. Roxanne made a noise that was definitely not a shriek and pushed herself up to glare, "Hey!"

"You failed to defend your territory Miss Ritchi," Megamind dropped himself into the chair and leaned back, propping his feet one on top of the other at the end of the couch where her own feet rested, "To the victor go the spoils..." He tilted his head back and sighed, closing his eyes.

Roxanne groaned and crawled further up the couch, mashing her head into the armrest. "Whatever, wake me in an hour." She shut her eyes again and tucked her arms around her middle.

"Done." There was a creak of leather and a tug from the back of the couch behind her. A soft heavy blanket piled over her waist and was smoothed up over her shoulder. She flailed with one leg and kicked half of it over his feet.

Luckily for Megamind, when Minion entered a few minutes later with snacks, he was able to take enough photos for both of them. Roxanne snuggled under a soft grey blanket, and Megamind, feet on the couch, at an acute angle to Miss Ritchi. The pair of them dead to the world.

Minion crept back to the kitchen and let them sleep for three hours before gently waking them and ushering Miss Ritchi home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay they got to be cute. Let's all have a nap to celebrate

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is love and makes the chapters come faster. Come follow me on tumblr at https://buginateacup.tumblr.com/ for more eclectic nonsense


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